Mirror // Van McCann

49. A Late Christmas Present

20-December-2017

It's been a month since the mirror was shattered. A month since I last saw Amy and Van, and a lot has happened ever since.

In early December, I took the MCAT. That was the longest and most stressful 7.5 hours of my life and I wish I never have to do it again. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am glad to be done with it. I don't know how I did; I felt it went okay. All I have to do now is wait another month for my results. I also need to start applying to medical school. I have a list of three schools I plan on applying to and I need to get started.

You may be wondering how Ryan and I have been doing. He was angry at me and he had every right to be. At first he avoided me like the plague. He didn't talk to me, and my mom and his mom noticed. Not wanting our moms to intervene, I knew I had to talk to Ryan. I managed to catch him one day and I apologized to him, telling him that I was in the wrong and that I was sorry. There was nothing I could do to fix it because what had happened had happened and I can't bring the mirror back for him to say goodbye. I did tell him what Amy and Van's last words for him were and that struck a chord with him which made him slowly open up to me. I didn't expect him to forgive me but he did which I am grateful for. Our relationship wasn't how it was before but it was better than what it was a month ago.

You may be wondering how I'm doing. Well I'm doing alright. I'm hanging in there. The first few weeks were horrible. I cried almost every night to the point I thought my eyes were going to be permanently puffy. Tears came easy; any memory of Van and Amy was enough to make me cry. Every once in a while I'd be brave enough to look at pictures of Van and I, and every once in a while I'd read through our texts and listen to his audio messages. And I admit there were a few times I fell asleep listening to Conversation and Overlap on repeat. At the beginning, I mostly kept to myself but over time I forced myself to go out more and interact with people. That definitely helped me mentally and kept my mind off of things. Now I can think about Van and Amy and not cry.

Although I've only known Amy and Van for a little over two months, they've taught me a lot about life. Again, it surprises me how wise they are for their age. They have a different outlook in life than I do which changes how I live life. I learned from Amy that life is short and I shouldn't be afraid to take risks and try new things. She was the one who convinced me to try things out with Van and I don't regret it one bit. I learned from Van that it's important to take care of yourself and not get worked up on little things. Whenever I take breaks, I always think about him and our conversations when he goes out to smoke. I admit I still get stressed out about little things but I realize most of it is out of my control and I should just take it as it is. Everything will be fine in the end.

I visit Amy and Van's graves at least once a week. I'm still avoiding Joyce but I know she's around because I still see her flowers on Van's grave. I don't know what it is about visiting their graves but it makes me feel better talking to them even though I know they can't hear me. I tell them about what I'm up to which isn't much but it feels good to just talk.

It's funny how if you asked me if I believed in life after death months ago, I would've said no, because at the time, I didn't believe there was such a thing. Death was part of life and I thought it was the end. Discovering the mirror has totally changed my view on death. Who knew there was so much more to it? And who knew it was nothing to be afraid of?

-

It felt weird watching TV all day. I was bored out of my mind. I'm so used to studying or crossing over that I never realized watching Ryan for 6 hours was a long time. My phone buzzed and I quickly looked at it, thinking it was my mom.

Joyce: *I got a letter from Van's parents. Let's meet up soon.*

I couldn't believe my eyes! She remembered after all this time. I literally wanted to meet her now but couldn't because I'm supposed to be watching Ryan. I don't think he even cares but it feels wrong. I quickly texted her back.

Jess: *That's great! Let's meet tomorrow at 11:30 AM?*

Joyce: *Sure thing. I'll see you tomorrow.*

I put my phone down and leaned back into the couch, happy. It's been a while since I've been this happy, this excited. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I've even created copies of Conversation and Overlap so that I could have one, his parents could have one, and Ryan could have one. I even made copies of Van's lyrics. I planned to give the original lyrics to his parents.

I normally don't bother Ryan when he's doing his homework but I have to tell him the good news.

.

.

The next day.

It was 11:15 AM and I was early but I was too excited so I went ahead and walked over to Van's grave. It turns out Joyce was early as well because minutes later, she showed up, happy to see me.

"It's been a while since I've last seen you!" Joyce said, greeting me.

"I've been busy studying for the MCAT. I took it a few weeks back and now I have tons of free time," I explained.

"How did the MCAT go?"

"It went okay. I won't know my score until the first week of January."

"You're so modest. I'm sure you did well! Have more confidence!"

I couldn't help but smile. I definitely miss Joyce's positivity.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"I've been fine. Just doing the same old, same old. There's nothing new with me. Oh! But I did see Nyree, Van's old girlfriend, a week ago and she told me she's having a baby boy and is going to name him Van! Isn't that cute?"

"That's exciting! Van would love that."

"Yes he would. Speaking of Van, I finally got a letter from his parents yesterday. The yearly letter around the holidays. It turns out they moved to Widnes, a town in England. They have tons of family there," Joyce explained. She then handed me a piece of paper which had their address on it. "But anyways, here you go. That's their new address." I held the piece of paper in my hands, not believing my eyes.

"Thank you so much!" I said excitedly. "They're going to have a great late Christmas present."

Joyce smiled. "I'm always happy to help. If you ever need me, you know where to find me."

-

I was happy at myself for bringing the package with me. I went to the post office after meeting Joyce and carefully wrote down his parents's address on the padded envelope. The envelope had a long way to go and I hoped they would handle it with care. I printed the postage and stuck it on the envelope, being careful not to cover their address. I then dropped the package off.