Mirror // Van McCann

48. A Reminder

I don't know how long I sat on the ground crying my eyes out. I looked terrible; I didn't need a mirror to know that. My eyes were red and puffy—even though my eyes were open, I couldn't see shit. I cried for so long I almost didn't have anymore tears to cry.

I could hear the door open and close downstairs and I suddenly stopped sobbing. My ears perked up listening for Ryan. Oh God! How am I going to tell him about the mirror? He's going to kill me!

"Jess?" I heard him call out.

"I'm up here," I croaked. I could hear his footsteps going upstairs and I quickly wiped my tears away with the sleeve of my shirt.

"What are you doing up here?" I heard him ask.

I could hear his footsteps stop outside the door and I turned to look at him. His eyes were wide as he took in the scene before him. He looked at me and then at the mirror, and then back at me.

"Jess! What the hell happened? Why is the mirror broken?" he asked. My numb mind couldn't keep up with all the questions he was asking. It also didn't help that I had the worst headache ever from all the crying.

"Adam," I managed to say.

Ryan seemed to understand. "Did he come here? Did he hurt you?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "But what we feared would happen happened. Adam led his group to Van and Amy's house. Van said he'd rather break the mirror than have Adam find it. He wanted to break it on his side but I hold him no—that I'd do it so Adam doesn't hurt them."

"So it's really broken?" Ryan asked in a small voice. I nodded. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were in school."

"So? Who cares about school? Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to say goodbye!" Ryan's voice was getting loud and I could tell he was really upset about it.

"I'm so sorry Ryan—we didn't have much time—"

"It doesn't matter! At least I would've had a chance rather than none at all! How could you be so selfish? You got to say goodbye but what about me? I got nothing!" And with that, Ryan ran off.

"Ryan—wait!" I shouted, getting up to chase him but he was too fast. He was already out the door and at the end of the street. I closed the door and sat down on the couch, crying again. This is literally one of the worst days ever. I lost Van and Amy, and now I lost Ryan as well. This was all too much for me, I was starting to feel ill.

I walked over to the kitchen to clean my face. The cold water felt good on my skin but there was nothing I could do to hide the fact that I've been crying. This is the most crying I've done all my life. More crying than when I found out my ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I didn't think that was possible.

I wondered what Amy and Van were doing. I wonder how things went with Adam and his group. Did he hurt them? I surely hope not but there's no way of knowing for sure. I prayed that everything went well and that they're okay. A thought suddenly came to me. I still have Van's number. Will it work? I dialed his number and waited.

I'm sorry. The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

"No no no, this can't be!" I said to myself. I dialed his number again. I got the same message. So does that mean all our messages are gone? I quickly opened up my messages, and to my relief, our conversations were still there. I came across the audio messages he sent me and I clicked on it, holding my breath. To my relief, they still worked and tears emerged again as I heard his voice.

"Mornin' sunshine! Are you awake yet?What time do you normally wake up? Anyways, if it's not too late I was wondering if I could come with you to visit your grandma today? I was supposed to hangout with Bondy but he wants to shoot his nature documentary and I don't want to stick around for that."

Words can't explain how much I miss him right now. I miss everything about him—his eyes, his smile, his smell, his voice. The audio messages weren't much, but they were something, and I will forever hold onto them. I opened up my photos and scrolled past the many pictures we took together that one day. They were still in my phone and I wondered if they were still in Van's phone as well. I really wish we took more photos together. I don't have any pictures of Amy unfortunately but I know Ryan does.

I was suddenly reminded of the box of polaroids under Ryan's bed. I know I should be chasing after Ryan but I knew he needed time to himself to think and to clear his mind. He had every right to be angry at me. I was being selfish not telling him that time was running out. I knew I'd be angry too if the roles were reversed. Amy and Van were ripped out of his life without warning and without any explanation. There were so many things on his mind that he could've said but he can't. I really hope that over time he can forgive me but I don't blame him if he doesn't. He already lost Amy once—now he's lost her a second time. I can't imagine the pain he is going through right now.

I slowly walked upstairs to Ryan's room and pulled the box out from under his bed. I never got the chance to properly look through all his photos. I smiled when I saw Van's picture, the one I had pulled ages ago, still at the top. I then spent the next half hour looking through each photo. There were pictures of scenery but also a ton of the three of them having a great time. The pictures went back three years. Have they really known about the mirror for that long? Three years of memories were in this box. I pulled out a picture of Van with the words "It's DARE!" written on it, wondering what the story behind that was. I couldn't tell if the pictures were helping or making things worse. They made me happy but they made me miss them dearly at the same time. I put the photos back and pushed the box back under the bed.

There was no telling how long it would be until Ryan came back. I really hoped he'd be back for dinner or else my mom would ask what happened. She'll also ask me what happened. There's no way I can hide that I've been crying from her. I looked at myself in Ryan's mirror and flinched at how I looked. I looked absolutely terrible.

I decided to go back downstairs. I paused as I passed the room full of furniture. The glass was still everywhere. I figured I might as well clean it up. I went down to the garage and grabbed a broomstick and dust pan. I then went back to the room to sweep all the glass up. I planned on throwing the glass away but something stopped me from doing so. Instead, I swept them into a pile at the base of the mirror.

For the most part, the glass was shattered but most of it still stuck to the mirror. I pulled the bedsheet back over the mirror and straightened out the fabric. The movement caused a piece of glass to fall to the ground. I went to pick it up and held it out in front of me. The edges were clean and I surprised myself by putting it in my coat pocket. I wanted to keep it as a reminder. I then walked out, closing the door behind me.

I walked back downstairs and began washing the dishes that had collected at the sink. It didn't take long to wash the dishes so I sat on the couch to do some studying. My mind wasn't working. All I did was stare at the same page over and over again but that didn't stop me from trying. I had nothing else to do and I needed something to take my mind off the mirror, of Van and Amy, and of Ryan. I needed to move on from the life that once was but is not anymore. It was so hard to forget everything and accept the new reality. No matter how hard I tried, my mind went back to them and I honestly didn't mind. I need time to grieve.