885 Days [A Vikklan/Sidemen/Pack Story]

One Hundred And Eighty Seven Days Home

26 February 2018

The feeding tube finally came out, thank god. Caring for it while Lachlan tried in vain to get away from it was difficult enough but the doctor had determined that he was finally eating enough to not warrant it anymore, but we would need to keep a much closer eye on what he was eating to make sure he was getting enough. I hadn't had him eat a full meal yet, but he was having snacks and small meals. It wasn't much, but it was enough.

Now that enough time had passed, several months, I was beginning to notice some changes in Lachlan. He was a lot more relaxed now that he was behind bars, more open, and due to Nicola's therapy sessions with him he was better at communicating what he needed. Beforehand he struggled to speak about, pushing me away and panicking when something became too much, but with some gentle pushing he started to talk about it.

Everything was slowly getting better. He was eating, the swimming was helping his walking, he was gaining a little more weight and he seemed... content. I wouldn't say happy, I certainly wouldn't say normal, but he was calm and content in the routine we had blocked out. I suspected it was the rigidity and predictability of this routine that kept him afloat because any changes upset him to the point that he would shut down for a little while with any interruption. I did my best to comfort him, but I didn't entirely understand it. I didn't know why he panicked at any change to his routine, but I kept to it for his sake.

We were a little over 6 months since Lachlan had been found. Six months and one day, and four months since he had been allowed home. The doctors visits had been reduced to once a week, but Nicola's sessions had been increased to four times. She was almost teaching him to live again, coping mechanisms, paths to healing.

"Vikk?" Lachlan's voice trembled as he spoke, sitting up in bed. I had been working, editing some of my new YouTube videos, and Lachlan had been sleeping in a little longer. He had woken suddenly, blind panic as he called out for me. "Vikk!?"

I rushed to his side, squeezing his hands and whispering his name to calm him. My voice and touch seemed to help, most of the time, when he was verging on the edge of reality. He pushed his head into my chest, keening.

Over the last few weeks, since that first confession, the minutes following his startled waking often led to quiet admissions of his time held hostage by that man. There were little details that scared me more than anything else- the knives, the burning, the starvation. The animalistic treatment beyond anything anyone could imagine. He never said much but what he did say was awful.

My arm lay over him as he buried himself deep into my chest, hugging him close. I kept up my gentle whispering, slow, quiet humming just to let him know I was there. I knew what was coming, I didn't even have to brace for it.

"He'd make me sick." Lachlan said quietly. "Force his fingers down my throat until I threw up, even if I hadn't eaten anything. I used to try and fight it but I kind of just... stopped after a year. I didn't eat enough to care if it came back up. Whenever I eat I can feel him... making me throw up again and I-"

He cut himself off, sobbing quietly.

"I don't even know why, but the sensation makes me sick. He's not there but he is, and I can't stop it."

I couldn't say anything in answer. How do you comfort someone when you had barely an inkling of what they had been through? All I could do was hug him tight and hope everything was okay.

---------------------------------------------------

YouTube had been put on the backburner since Lachlan had come home. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had recorded or edited a video, all of my focus dedicated to the person who needed it the most. The other Sidemen had continued without me- we had to make money somehow- and simply supported me through everything. The Pack boys had found a new flame since Lachlan had returned and had truly thrown themselves back into the thick of things but I had withdraw, both from YouTube and social media, for Lachlan's sake.

I knew our audiences were desperate for news of Lachlan from us, anything that wasn't from media who didn't know what they were talking about. We hadn't made any statement beyond that tweet so long ago so Lachlan could recover, but the harassment by some fans desperate for news was getting pretty bad. The comments of all the Sidemen and Pack videos were all- where's Lachlan, what happened to Lachlan, is Lachlan okay?- and I knew it was time to address it.

First thing, I asked Lachlan. He didn't want to be in the video and didn't want to show his face, which was absolutely fine, but he was alright with me recording an update. I decided to do it with the Pack boys, and upload it to Lachlan's YouTube channel and Twitter. It took some time to organise.

"It's time we addressed the elephant in the room." Rob started, arms tight around Preston and I. "We know it's been six months and we know you've been begging for updates on Lachlan's condition, but for his sake we've kept it private. He's been through a lot over the last couple of years, he needs time to heal."

Then it was my turn. I knew what Lachlan was okay with me saying and what he wasn't, so the boys left it down to me.

"I'm not sure how far the news travelled, but the man responsible for this is in jail and will be for the rest of his miserable life. We're glad all of that's over with, because now we can focus on what's most important." I sighed deeply. "Lachlan's doing... about as well as we could have expected. He's asked not to have his face put out here just yet, so for now it'll just be our words."

Mitch continued. "At the moment we're transitioning into a more normal routine, but it's been difficult. Everything's just a little too much but we're getting there."

"We know from doctors and therapists and god knows who else that it's never going to be normal again. Lachlan isn't the same person as three years ago and likely never will be again. He's scared and lost, and we're just doing our best to go day by day. Please respect our privacy, we will try and update, but this is for Lachlan. We're just happy that he's home."

I decided to leave it at that. Lachlan was okay with the video and so we uploaded it. I didn't want to see the firestorm that would follow so I shut everything down, cuddled Lachlan close and held him as he played with the strings of my hoodie, quiet and content.

"I love you lil' Lachy." I whispered, playing with his hair. He blinked up at me, a little surprised. I noticed, and smiled. "I love you so much. I don't know if I can say it enough. I love you more than I ever have anything."

His voice trembled as he replied, hugging me tight.

"I love you too Vikk."