Crossroads - H.S.

Chapter 37

*sexual content*

Two weeks later

These past few days have been hard.

Harry has been overly affectionate, which I appreciate but I haven't been able to reciprocate as much as I would like to.

I feel like more of a burden recently. The logical part of my brain is telling me that I'm not, but the part that's telling me that I am a burden is pretty loud.

I get these random bursts of anxiety that cause me to shut down and not talk to Harry, even though that's all I want to do.

He's been good about giving me space during those moments, which just makes me wish that I was better for him and not in my head all the time.

We had a lot to discuss these past few days about the Jacob incident, one thing being the fact that he was Harry's half brother.

I brought it up to Harry, but he didn't say anything. He just nodded and stayed silent before changing the subject.

I think that he thinks I'm going to shatter at any moment, so he's making everything about me. I appreciate the thought, but I don't like being treated like I'm fragile. I was also never really asked about my feelings by anyone other than my mom, so I still get uncomfortable when he tries to smother me with questions and affection.

Another thing that has been going on is a job hunt. I think I want to be a waitress again, so I'm looking into small diners that are understaffed. I really loved serving, and I think it will help with my craving for human interaction. It could be a great opportunity to meet friends as well.

Harry has been really supportive of the idea, although he has some concerns for my safety. He made me agree to find something relatively close to home and to carry pepper spray with me. I think it's a fair trade.

He also bought me a cellphone for safety purposes. He said that he doesn't know why I didn't ask for one months ago, and he wishes he would've gotten me one earlier.

I didn't mind not having a phone. I felt more connected with my surroundings. I guess I didn't have a purpose for one anyway, considering I haven't had anyone to text or call.

The thought of contacting James has been floating around in my mind recently. I miss him, and I specifically miss the person he was before our mom died. He was an asshole to me afterwards, but he's still my brother. No matter how poorly I was treated, I love him and I know that he's hurting.

There's a few problems with potentially calling him though.

One is that I don't want to talk to my dad. He's most likely drinking his life away, and I don't need that right now. I feel like he might do something irrational, and end up getting himself shot (probably by Harry).

Another problem could be how James would react. He could be very calm about the situation, or he could be the exact opposite. I guess it just depends on if he's sober or not.

And lastly, Harry might not be on board with the idea. He has a lot of built up emotions about how my mom and I were treated, and I know that he gets angry just thinking about my dad and brother. I think I could talk him down and explain why I think it's a good idea, but the thought of a potential argument is stopping me.

Harry hasn't been going to work nearly as much. I think he's afraid to leave me alone with my own thoughts. That is actually something I really appreciate. I don't want to be alone.

And that leads us to now, sitting on the couch watching The Notebook.

I would just like to clarify that I did not want to watch it.