Crossroads - H.S.

Chapter 26

Three years ago

Today is one year since mom died.

I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything.

All I can think about is how her blood felt against my skin, and the haunting sight of her lifeless body.

But I'm not sad.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I really do miss her so much. I think I'm just so caught up in the hell my life has been without her, nothing really has an effect on me anymore.

I'm seventeen, and my whole life is making sure that James wakes up in the morning. My dad is a different story; he doesn't seem to care if he lives or dies. It's been like that my whole life, and I don't think I'm going to change that now.

That and the fact that he treats me and James like shit makes me not care for him as much as a daughter should.

He doesn't care for me as much as a dad should.

I'm trying to keep James from going down that same road. I love my brother and the person he was a year ago, but he's become unrecognizable. He can be saved though. I know I can save him. I have to save him from this life.

Christ, our mother lost her life because she was trying to save our family. The least he can do is show some fucking thanks.

But I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, and I won't. I wish I could see what he's seeing right now, or know what he's feeling. I want to be able to understand everything that has gone through his head since last year, but he won't let me in.

It drives me insane when I can't figure someone out, because then I can't help them. I want to be able to help James find his way, and help him realize that he can do more than this.

I'm trapped in my head again when James comes stumbling in the door, probably drunk and high off his ass.

"Oh, hi." He mumbles when he sees me sitting on the couch.

And that's my cue to leave.

I smile awkwardly at him before pulling myself to my feet and starting to walk to my room.

"Wait, Jude-"

I turn around and raise an eyebrow to get him to tell me what he wants, but he just stares at me.

"Did you need something? I'm tired, I wanted to go to bed." I say quietly, showing no emotion behind my voice. I don't know if I could fake the emotion even if I wanted to.

James cracks into a smile and starts chuckling while he stumbles over to the couch and plops himself down.

I'm utterly confused at this point, but nothing in this family is ever clear or normal, so I turn back around and begin to walk away once more.

"You know this is your fault, right?" He speaks up when I'm halfway down the hall. I turn and look at him on the couch, staring at the blank TV in front of him.

"Pardon?" I ask, not entirely sure what he means.

"Mom. It's your fault. You were always the needy one, always wanted to make sure everything was perfect and everyone was happy. You couldn't just let things be."

For the first time since I found my mother's body, I feel a weight that I thought was gone press down on my chest. My throat feels dry and swollen, and my hands start sweating slightly.

"It's not my fault." I defend.

"You can say whatever you want, but dad and I both know that everything that happened was because of you. She was overwhelmed by you, tried to make you happy."