Caratland [Seventeen FF]

-28-

Chan poV:

After I moved out from my parent's house everything was so exciting. I got to eat instant noodles and ride a bus. I never knew the feeling of it. Soon reality hit me, when my parents blocked my bank account. I had to make money and it was the first time I got to feel how it is if you don't have much of it. Eating instant noodles became daily food and riding a bus was luxury. I was still happy though. After a while of trying out different jobs, which were all terrible, I ended up on caratland. It was the first time that people welcomed me. I felt more home on this island than at my actual home. Well, my job here was a little doubtful, but it was just one negative point out of many positive. I liked the way it was: Seungkwan being the third wheel, Seokmin the mood maker, Seungcheol the exhausted dad, Hansol the cool sort of hippy, Jeonghan the weird mother, Mingyu the tall puppy like guy, Wonwoo the scary dude, Jihoon the mysterious guy, Shua the advice giving older brother and the chinese transfers always arguing about little things. How we all went to the portal in the evening.

But then Soonyoung came. Something in me knew immediately that he would stay longer than everyone thought here. I was afraid. Afraid that everything would change. I got so used of the people here that I forgot that something like that could happen. But after some time I got to like Soonyoung. He's nice and always attentively. Also was he the first one to reach out to me first and actually wanting to do something with me. Of course the others also talked to me and things like that, but I felt like Soonyoung saw me as his first choice even though he always sticks around Jihoon. Soonyoung was for me somehow the definition of friend. Rather than jealous it made me happy to see Jihoon with someone again. I heard the story of Hyunwoo and even though I didn't know him, it broke my heart. After Soonyoung came, many things changed, but in a positive way: Hao and Jun stopped arguing, Jihoon had a friend and over all the atmosphere got a little brighter. I thought that it was good that Soonyoung joined us, but for some reason a little part really deep inside of me didn't like him.

That day was a normal day. For some reason Wonwoo and I decided to stay in the real world once. We played that weird game Jihoon invented. Everything went smoothly until Wonwoo said that thing. Jihoon almost went crazy. That small, almost mute guy suddenly bursted out and shouted all over the place. Then both Wonwoo and Jihoon parted ways. I hated it. I hated the screaming and the things they said. I didn't want the situation to be real and that everything would go back to normal. It made me think back to my childhood and I really didn't want to think back to that. Think back to my parents and those bullies... No, I really wanted to leave those things in the past. Why couldn't they just sort out things and calm down? All I wanted was someone to stay by my side. Someone who would hug me and say that everything would be fine. But the only person left was Soonyoung. The person I felt the most comfortable with and the person who accepted me without a certain condition. The person I saw as a friend. But even he left me. He ran after Jihoon. Yeah, Jihoon... After all Soonyoung was my first choice, but I wasn't his. His was Jihoon, not me. Then it hit me. I wasn't the first choice of Soonyoung and would never be. Just a part of me hoped that I was his first choice. I was never the first choice of anyone. I was never the first choice of my classmates, neither of my parents and neither of the people on this island. I was meant to be alone.

I never felt the emotion that I felt after that realization. I felt pathetic. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I felt dumbfounded. But I didn't felt angry or furious. Is that what sadness felt like? Some tears slowly left my eye wrinkles. Yeah, I guess that's sadness. I wanted to run away and forget that day. I hated that feeling. I rather want to feel angry like always. Why don't I feel anger?

I sat down, where I was and let the tears flowing. Maybe it was the sadness that build up behind the anger all those years. Maybe I was sad because I genuinely liked Soonyoung as a friend. Maybe I'm so hurt because the people here were the first that I ever liked. They gave me a reason to like people. Yeah, I don't hate people anymore. I like people. They make me laugh, smile or just simply entertain me. They gave me a reason to live. I liked people. I balled fists. Why am I suddenly feeling anger again? Yeah, I went back to normal. To that old me that hated everything. But I didn't hate everything. I liked the way it was. The way it was, was perfect. The way our team was build was perfect. It was perfect until... Until Soonyoung joined us. It's all Soonyoung's fault. If Soonyoung weren't here I wouldn't have felt that way and Wonwoo and Jihoon would've never argued. Yeah, it's Soonyoung's fault.

I don't hate people. I hate Soonyoung...