Insane - XXXTENTACION

7

Carmen

I stepped off the balcony, going head first into the water, as the wind blowed against my body as I proceeded to fall. I splashed into the water, immediately having flashbacks of my life.

My mom holding me as a baby while my dad was happily singing to me; My mom helping me through my first heartbreak; My dad taking me out every Friday to go eat at our favorite restaurant.

Then the flashbacks turned into living nightmares. I woke up in my room, time was 8;00 am, June 25th 2005. I was 4 years old at the time. Then I heard a gunshot coming from downstairs. I walked down the stairs slowly, watching my mom and dad lay on the ground, lifeless.

"Mommy? Daddy?"

"Careful little girl," a voice said.

"Might wanna run away,"

I did as told. I did run away. I ran to my grandmothers house, that's where I was lead to. I told her everything that I saw. She kept me in her house up until I was 16, which is when she died of lung cancer. After that, I had gotten an apartment and stayed there.

Then fireworks started shooting up at the sky, causing me to look up. I watched as they spelled out his name. Jahseh.

Wheres Jahseh? Wheres daddy X? "X? Jah? Daddy? where are you?" I screamed out.

I missed him, I needed him. "Daddy X please come to me," I begged.

I looked over and saw him standing there a few feet away from me, with that devilish smile on his face.

"DADDY!" I yelled out, getting up and running. towards him, I reached for him but he disappeared.

"What? No! You're not leaving me! YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME!! I NEED YOU!" I cried out.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" I screamed while swimming up out of the water.

***

I got up out of the water and stood on the grass, I was out of my mind. I was trapped in my imagination. He trapped me there.

He made me change. My hair was blonde, my eyes were green, my eyebrows were a dirty blonde, my skin was a bit darker than usual due to the ocean. My tattoos were gone, my jewelry from him stayed still on my neck.

"He's not leaving me, he's not LEAVING ME!" I screamed out to the world, not caring who heard me.

"I DID EVERYTHING!" I cried out, as I slowly fell to the ground.

I sat there and cried for a little bit, until I realized what I had to do. I got up quickly off the ground and ran up the hill.

I pulled out the purple pistol he gave me a couple months back. I stared at it, then put it back in my pocket.

I looked over and saw a black bmw with the tag "XXX" on it. The adrenaline in me boosted up and I ran after it. I jumped on the car and busted a window, throwing myself in the passenger seat.

I looked straight at him, he sighed and ignored my presence.

He took a sharp turn into an alley and stopped the car. He looked at me and slapped me.

"FIRST OF ALL YA KNOW YOUR PAYING FOR MY BROKEN WINDSHIELD RIGHT?" He screamed at me.

"WHO ARE YOU?" He questioned.

"IM CARMEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHO AM I-"

Then I remembered my presence was completely different.

His face eased up and he realized I was who I said I was.

"Now that we're back in reality, YOUR NOT LEAVING ME LIKE THIS! YOUR MY X, MY DADDY, MY JAHSEH AND IM YOUR CARMEN AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I KNOW DAMN WELL ITS STILL IN Y-"

He smashed his lips onto mine, I kissed back. This is what I wanted this whole time.

Him.

He was what I needed and wanted.

He slowly pulled apart, I stared into his black eyes.

"I have to leave you," he told me.

"Why?" I questioned, worried and scared.

"It's not meant to be Carmen," He explained to me.

"Some things are temporary, sometimes you need to let go. Not because you want to but because you love that person enough for them to be happier by themselves than with you," he told me.

"B-But I love you, and I need you! You have to stay with me, I can't last a day without you," I cried out to him.

"Nobody loves me, impossible. Now get out the car, I don't wanna hurt you babygirl. I love you, but you have to leave. It's for the best. Goodbye, Carmen." He told me, making me get out of the car and driving away, leaving me standing here like an idiot in my ripped white clothing.

Maybe in another world, another universe, another time, another generation, another decade, I'd be good enough for him. But right now, I am not. I am not good enough simply because I do not love myself. He wants me to love myself first before I fall back in love with him again. I cannot be mad at him for something that's my fault. There's only one person who can fix it and that person is me. I have to work on myself and make myself happy for him, then maybe I can get back to my love.

But I have work to do now. It's not gonna be easy, but good things don't come through easiness. I can't imagine life being easy; what a boring life It'd be.

Time to work on myself, I'll see you later Jahseh.

***