Silently Falling in Love: Again (Edited)

Chapter 43 - Alternatives

Anjali – April 2008

I pulled off my jewelry that I wore to the gala and tugged on my ears and massaged them. The heavyweight of the earrings hurt my earlobes. I slipped off the evening gown and changed into a nightgown relieved that the gala had been a success and there had been no major incidents. I pulled back my hair and removed the layers of make-up painted on my face. The layers that hid what I really felt tonight. The mask was disappearing. The mask I viewed Alex as a friend – that was the layered lie we had both been telling ourselves. An entire year of gala planning had been a lie. Now that the gala was over and the mask was being removed, how would we hide?

I walked in my bedroom to hide underneath the fancy covers of my bed when Raj walked in and sat at the edge of the bed. Still in his dark suit, he pulled off his shoes and sighed. "It's been such a busy week I haven't told you management asked me to run their department in London. My boss wants a decision by Monday. Don't worry, I'm planning on turning it down, it would be too difficult for you to be so far away from your family."

"How long would the assignment be for?"

"Two years at a minimum," he looked at me curiously.

"I've lived my whole life on the East Coast. I haven't even explored the U.S. You should take the position. It's an opportunity to experience something new. It's only a temporary assignment; we'll be back in a few years."

Raj looked like he had won the lottery. "Are you sure Anjali? This would be a great opportunity for me, but I know how close you are to your family."

"I'm sure."

"Anjali, this would mean no more quick visits to your parents' house, no more lunches with Rima, no more family Diwali get togethers. We don't know anyone in London, it will mean starting over. Are you sure you're ready for that?" Raj asked with hopeful eyes.

"Yes, I'm sure, we need a change. Maybe it will be good for us too."

Raj moved to where I was standing and pulled me into a kiss. He hadn't been romantic in such a long time I was taken aback. His hands ran up the side of my body and cupped my breasts and caressed me through my nightgown. A year ago, I would have been delighted with his attention, but tonight...

"Did I tell you what a wonderful job you did tonight with the fundraiser? The food, decorations, music, everything frankly was amazing, and everyone raved about it." He slipped his suit jacket off and began to unbutton his shirt.

He moved towards me and slipped the spaghetti straps on my nightgown down and dropped gentle kisses. I closed my eyes, trying not to cry. There was a time when Raj's touch was enough and I craved it, but not tonight.

"You will love London, there are so many places to explore, incredible restaurants to eat at and lots of places to shop," he murmured as he pushed the nightgown off of me. I stood wearing only my underwear as he moved down my body dropping kisses everywhere. He hooked his finger under the edge of my bikini shaped underwear and tugged it off of me. I grabbed his shoulder to keep my balance and save myself from falling.

Raj stood up. "Still tipsy from tonight?"

"Yes, a little," I said as the leftover effect of the alcohol swirled with my personal emotional turmoil.

"Honey, you did great tonight. You deserve the celebration. Did I tell you how beautiful you looked in that gown tonight? I was the envy of all the husbands I get to go home with you."

"Thanks," I murmured as Raj undressed himself.

"You should host more events. Maybe when we're in London, you can do something similar at the kids' new school."

I cringed, the only thing that had made this event planning bearable was Alex. A man I wanted to cheat on my husband with. The irony was the event that drew praise from Raj, that he wanted to encourage me to do more of would push me into the arms of another man.

As we lay down on the bed to make love, I closed my eyes and all I could see was Alex in his cream-colored suit and the light blue shirt underneath looking sexy as hell. I'd stopped myself a hundred times from going up to him to touch him, to pull him into me and kiss him. I'd never seen him dressed up, seeing him in a suit with his sunglasses tugging his button-down shirt down, all I wanted to do was unbutton the shirt and toss it aside.

...

The weekend was over before I knew it and I was back to the grind. The kids had swimming class on Mondays, I went to school to pick them up and take them to the club for their lessons. We arrived early and I waited for Alex on the benches. His kids had classes at the same time. In fact, we had planned it that way. Sometimes we stayed and watched the kids during their lesson; sometimes we left to get coffee. He would be here soon.

Lost in my own thoughts I hadn't seen Alex walk in. I looked up, and he handed me a cup of coffee and smiled. I stood to meet him and babbled, "I don't like Starbucks coffee. Let's get coffee from the coffee shop across the street. This is awful." I tossed the coffee in the trash and walked out the door leaving Alex behind me stunned.

I didn't throw diva fits, but I was a diva today. Alex quietly followed me to the coffee shop. Inside, I ordered another cup of coffee and grabbed a table in the back corner where we had privacy. I slumped down in my chair and looked at Alex. I took several deep breaths, bit my bottom lip, and did my damn best to not cry. After a few moments I drew the strength to speak.

"Goldman offered Raj a position in London. He wasn't planning on taking the position, but I told him to accept the offer." I looked up at him.

"We'll be leaving at the end of the school year."

Alex listened and looked down at his feet. He knew why I was doing it, but he still looked hurt.

I continued, "This is best for all of us. You and I both know that the more time we spend together, the more likely something will happen that we will both regret. You may have the willpower to keep this at friendship, but I don't have that same willpower. It's not a risk I'm willing to take. If something happens between us it will be a matter of time before we're caught. Losing my kids and hurting them, is not an option. And, I know you feel the same way about your children. We would end up resenting each other if something were to happen."

Alex looked at me with saddened eyes. "You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I feel alive when I'm with you, before I was moving through life with this hole inside. My favorite part of the day is seeing you at school for pick up or drop off. How am I going to survive without you? I was drowning before you came along."

"Alex, the problem is that I'm drowning too. How can two people who are both drowning save each other? Instead, we will drown sooner if we look to each other for help when neither of us can swim."

I continued, "I wouldn't trade the last few years of friendship in the world for anything. But, every time I look at you now, I want more than friendship. It's more than a physical attraction; I wonder what it would be like to love you, what it would be like to be loved by you. If this was just physical, then I wouldn't be scared. But this is worse, it involves my heart." I couldn't look into his eyes; I didn't want to know if he reciprocated it.

Alex placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my face, forcing me to look at him. "You know the feeling is mutual. I wonder all the time what if it was you who I met in college and married. I know why you want to run away. And you're right it's for the best. Neither of us will leave our marriage, so this has no end but a disastrous one. But until you leave, please don't shut me off. Just give me your friendship for these last few months."

I nodded in agreement. "We should get going, class is almost over."

We both knew if we had an affair, it would be a matter of time before we got caught. Neither of us would ever leave our spouses because of the impact on the kids.