Silently Falling in Love: Again (Edited)

Chapter 27 - Swimming in Disappointment

Anjali – March 2007

It was Thursday and that meant swimming for the kids. I sat in the bleachers while the kids changed into their swimsuits to go swimming.

"Hey there," Alex said as he sat down next to me.

"Hey there," I hadn't seen him since we went to the gurdwara.

"Listen, I was wondering if you want to grab a cup a coffee, there's a Starbucks across the street. We can go there while the kids swim. It's so stuffy in here." The humidity from the pool felt suffocating.

"Sure, let's go," I said as I grabbed my purse and stood up to head out.

We hurried to the Starbucks. "This time I'm buying!" I said as I cut in front of Alex. He rarely ever let me pay when we went for lunch or coffee.

"In that case can you get me a croissant too?" Alex smiled.

"Plain, almond, or chocolate?"

"Definitely, chocolate."

I ordered our drinks and croissants and Alex found an open table.

"So, how was your day?" I asked as I slid over Alex's latte and a chocolate croissant.

"It wasn't bad. I finished a project I've been working on for a while. Well, that's the good part, the bad part is I have to look for another assignment, which I hate. That's the worst part of being in business for yourself; you also have to go look for work. How was your day?"

"My day," I laughed, "did not differ from any other day. I played chef, chauffer, personal assistant, housekeeper, entertainer, teacher, you know the regular stuff."

"You are quite the multi-tasker," Alex teased me.

"Really is that what I am a multi-tasker? That sounds so sophisticated. Nope, my job isn't sophisticated at all. I'm sorry, I'm in a pissy mood."

"Why what happened? Why are you so down on yourself?"

"I had one of those "Oh you're a homemaker," moments with someone new I met today," I said making a stuck-up face. "You know they followed it with, "Wow, you're so lucky, I wish I could just be a homemaker."

"You know what you do is important, don't let someone, especially someone you don't even know demean you. Being with the kids and managing a home is a full-time job. You should be proud. Look how incredible your kids are – they're smart, charming, healthy, gifted and a pleasure to be around. That didn't just happen; you had a hand in making that happen."

"I don't know, Alex, there are days when I wonder if it really makes a difference. It's not what other people say; I tire of being known only as Karan and Vidya's mom or Raj's wife. I had a life before marriage and kids, where I was known as Anjali."

"And what was just Anjali like?"

I took the coffee stirrers and mixed the foam on my latte round and round.

"I had a career as an architect that I was good at. At least when the kids were younger, I designed train tracks and Legos, but now I've even been fired from that job. For fun, I raced cars and danced to cheesy Bollywood songs. There's none of that in my life anymore."

"You raced cars?" Alex asked surprised.

"Yes, I did. My brother and I loved racing cars. Raj doesn't enjoy racing, and by default I don't do it anymore either."

"And the Bollywood dancing?"

"I used to choreograph Broadway numbers that needed an ethnic feel to them, but Raj thinks that's cheesy. So, I dropped even that," I said as I shrugged my shoulders and leaned into the back of my seat and looked up at the ceiling to make sure the tears didn't roll down.

"The kids are getting older, you could pick up some of your hobbies, Anjali."

"It's not that easy when your spouse doesn't support you," I breathed staring into my coffee cup again.

"Yeah, Chris hates me riding my motorcycle. But I still do it. I refuse to give up my bike. I feel I've given up a lot of things for family life, but you have to have a few things that still keep you feeling like you. Anjali, think about picking up one of your hobbies again."

"I hate fighting with Raj. Pushing back is not my specialty. Whatever you do, don't give up your career. Just my friendly advice to you. Raising kids isn't appreciated in the world we live in."

"Because I have a job doesn't mean all is well. I have a job that's easy to do so I can balance the kids with work. I'm not working on projects that challenge me," Alex said and sipped his latte.

"And since I'm not the primary breadwinner I'm also referred to as Jasper and Leah's dad or Christina's husband. It's not conventional to have your wife be the main breadwinner."

"You're called a few other things at school," I teased, referring to his incident with Andrea.

"Please don't remind me. That is not a title I'm looking for either."

We both laughed.

"But, seriously, don't give up your job or your motorcycle. At least you have something of yours. When you don't have something of your own, it leaves an empty feeling in yourself; a sense of disappointment."

"We're not so different."

"We are different. You stick up for what you want with Christina. I don't."

"Sometimes I stick up for what I want, but I constantly disappoint Chris. She wants me to be a hotshot tech guy. You don't push back, but you disappoint yourself instead. But, having Chris be disappointed in me or you being disappointed in yourself – it's the same thing isn't it? It means there's disappointment in the marriage."

I chewed on my croissant and processed what he said. Yes, disappointment was a feeling that dragged you down. It was a small pain you carried all the time never being able to get rid of it. It nagged at the back of you. It was not so earth-shattering that life stopped; you could still move through life; it's just that over time you moved slower. You wished you could flick it off your back, but you couldn't. It was like a leech that sucked onto you.

"I don't think you are the type of mom to outsource your kids, and Raj isn't the guy to stay at home. Would you really have it differently? I can see how much the kids mean to you and how involved you are with them."

"No, I wouldn't give it all up, but sometimes I feel I've given up too much. One day, they will grow up and leave and pursue their own destiny. What will happen to me? At least when your kids leave, you still have your work and your hobbies. Please take my advice; never give them up. Don't disappoint yourself."