The hand.

Chapter twenty four

(A/n: this chapter may be upsetting to some people. It has talk about suicide and depression. If this is likely to upset you, skip until you see 🖐.)

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I felt emotions wanting to spill but I remembered who I am and forced them down.
Zac was on his bed, tears rushing down his cheeks and a whole handful of paracetamol in his hand.

"LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANNA DIE!" He screamed at me.

This is not the first time a patient has attempted suicide and it's not Zac's first either but it's different with Zac. I care about my patients well-being and lives so if they do attempt suicide, it does upset me but not like this.
Zac is different.
I wasn't there for his first attempt so I knew he was safe when I did find out but now I don't know what he's going to do. He could take those pills right now and I might not be able to take them away in time.

"Put the pills down" I said cautiously, slowly making my way towards him. He didn't listen. He just lifted his hand to his mouth and swallowed from what I could tell was two pills.
As he was swallowing them down, ran towards him and pulled the rest out of his hand. He gave up and just let me take them but curled into a ball on his bed sobbing.

At least he only took two. Two won't kill him. Unless....
"Zac, are these the first you've taken?" I asked softly but firmly while rubbing his back in soothing circles.
I felt my heart thumping as I waited for his reply.
"Yes."
He whispered.
Phew!
My heart went back to normal and we sat in silence while I did my best to comfort him.

"Why did you do it?" I asked after 20 minutes of silence.

"I want to die" he answered simply.

"Why? Did something happen to suddenly bring this on?"

"No, I've been thinking of death for a long time now. I'd be with my mum and I wouldn't be lonely anymore" he said while looking anywhere but at me.

"Is that Why? Because you're lonely?"
🖐
"You're the only person I have! I used to have a lot of friends but they all left me because I was too weak to stand up to my dad. They made fun of me and ended up bullying me in school. I didn't go to college or university after because I just couldn't deal with the bullying."

I listened to every word he said and took it all in.

" I tried to prove I wasn't weak to put an end to the bullying by exercising every day. I got physically stronger every day but it wasn't enough for them. After school when my dad was arrested, I got a job and it was just me and my mum. We both worked and we managed to help each other strengthen our mental health after what my dad put us through."

I took out a notepad and pen and wrote down everything he was telling me.

"Things were going well until the 11th of October when my mum was murdered. I couldn't go back to my house, I couldn't eat, I lost a lot of weight and I couldn't sleep, I stopped working out and I didn't even shower. It wasn't long after that I met Alex and he told me I could get close to my mum by coming to this house and pressing my hand against the upstairs window. So every night I'd come here and climb the drainpipe to get to the upstairs window and I'd press my hand against the glass. I thought I could hear my mum talking to me which I know now was the schizophrenia but at the time it was a huge comfort."

I wrote this all down in bullet points and looked up at him to show I was listening.

"Alex also told me that if the person who lived here saw me I would not be able to come back here to talk to mum so whenever you looked out the window, I hid by pressing up against the wall so I was out of view. I'm sorry again"

I nodded to say it's okay and that he should carry on.

"When you found me in the park, I had gone for a walk and collapsed near the bushes. When you tried to talk to me, I got scared and used all my energy to run away. But when you found me a second time, I had tried to get to your house to talk to mum earlier than 4 that day but I collapsed from exhaustion again. When you took me in, you have no idea how much it helped me. Although I didn't eat much, it was the first time I'd eaten properly in a week. But again I got scared and ran away the next day."

He paused to let me catch up with writing.
"What is it you were scared of?"

"I was scared of getting hurt again. I was and still am so messed up, I thought you would hate me like everyone else or think I was a creep."
He started crying again and I put my pen down to give him a comforting hug.
Although my life hasn't been easy since he came into it, he doesn't mean any harm. He's just very vulnerable and scared.

"So now that you've told me why you want to die, Which we'll get back to, why did you stop taking your pills?"
He hesitated for a minute before answering.

"Because I wanted another friend"
He said in a small voice.

Huh? I was a bit confused as to what that has to do with his pills. Then it hit me. I understood.
Although Alex wasn't real, he was a friend to Zac and Zac wouldn't have met Alex if not for his schizophrenia.
Zac thinks if he can't make real friends, he could make friends like Alex by not taking his pills. They may be non existent but they're friends.