April's Heart

One

A moment after Kenny left, as April was cleaning up her lunch, a soft knock at her door startled her. Normally a knock wouldn't send shivers down her spine the way this one did, but she knew that knock. The soft, slow knock that she had tried to forget, along with everything else. Bowl of noodles in hand she crept slowly to the door when, again, three soft taps sent her pulse through the roof.

Gathering all the strength and bravery inside her, she opened the door. On the other side stood Jae, looking somehow small and miserable.

"April," he said, as though he was surprised she opened the door.

"Jae."

"Can we talk?"

April nodded, moving aside so Jae could come in. He walked over to the sofa and sat in the same place he had the first time he had been there. April put her bowl of noodles back on the kitchen island and sat next to him.  She didn't know what to expect so she tried to brace herself for the worst. 

"I miss you," he said, bluntly. April knew Jae wasn't one to mince words. He got straight to the point. Still, she was shocked by his sudden confession.

"You do?"

He looked at her as if her question hurt his heart to hear.

"Of course I do. I never wanted this."

"Neither did I, Jae. And it's all my fault."

"We're both to blame. I should have come to you long ago, but I was afraid to talk to you."

"You were? Why?"

"You have the power to hurt me more than anyone, April. I was trying to put off that pain for as long as I could."

"How did you know I would?"

"I didn't know, but I didn't want to take that chance."

"Jae, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you."

April sensed Jae's demeanor soften, and saw his eyes start to glisten with tears.

"I'm sorry, April," he said, his voice cracking.

"So am I," she replied, already in tears.

He reached for her and pulled her to him, holding her close. She rested her head on his shoulder feeling his heart pound against her chest. They stayed there in each other's arms for what felt like an eternity but it wasn't long enough for either of them. They wanted to stay together for as long as they were apart. They wanted to make up for the time they spent away from each other. Reluctantly, Jae pulled away from her and lifted her chin. He tried to smile, gently wiping a tear from her cheek.

"I'm so glad I got to see you before I left," Jae said, the pain returning to his eyes.

"Left? What do you mean? Where are you going?"

April sat up, pulling away from Jae. His eyes dropped to the floor and she lifted his chin as he had done to her just moments before.

"Tell me," she whispered.

"I'm going back to Korea. My mother has been moved to a hospital.  She doesn't have much time left."

April felt like the floor had given way and she was falling, Jae getting further from her by the second.

"When?" She heard herself say.

"Next week. I got the call last night.  I have some things to see to before I leave and I had to make things right with you first. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't."

"When are you coming back?"

"I don't know that I am."

April stood up and walked into her kitchen for no reason other than she couldn't sit still any longer. She felt like she had to do something, make something, clean something. Anything but listen to Jae talk about leaving her...again.  She knew he must be going through such a hard time, knowing his mother was sick and now having to tell her that he was leaving.  She felt such heaviness in her heart.  All she wanted was for Jae to be happy but somehow it always seemed like an impossibility.  She would do whatever she could, though, to making him as happy as he could be. 

Jae followed her into the kitchen, apologizing the whole way.

"Jae," she said, turning to him, "you have nothing to be sorry for. I chased you away. I did this. I can't fault you for wanting to be with your mother or for keeping a distance between us all these months."

Jae took April's hands, holding them tightly.

"I wish I could stay with you, April. I..."

"Don't, Jae. Please don't say it. I already know."

Again, he pulled her to him, and she held on to him as tight as she could. If she had to let him go eventually, she would, but not this night. This night she would hold on to him. She would live for as long as she could as his. Finally. Her heart would be safe in his embrace until the time came when he took what was left of the light from her life. Until then, they were one.