Cold Days and Bittersweet Stories

Wake-Up Call

"Hey, Christine. I'm sorry to be doing this to you, but I think we should break up. I'm leaving to Miami with Mark this evening."
"Oh... Okay. Hey, Matt, take good care of Mark for me, okay?"
"...I know you might be too shy to ask it, but here's my answer..."
"..."
"You're always depressed and suicidal, you think of life as a wasteful misery, hell, you're such a mess of a bitch, the neighbors put up a 'Dumpster' sign in front of the apartment!"
"What? That's not true at all... Do you... really... think that?"
"Yes."
"...Then I suppose-"
"I suppose you handle your life all on your own now. I'm taking care of Mark, making sure he won't end up a mess like you."
"I-"
"I wasted part of my life living with you."
"... I'm sorry."
*beep*
So it's just you and me now huh, buddy? I'm sure we can get through this easily. Life is a breeze, as they would say, after all. I can make you live to be successful, I'm sure of that. We can do it. I can do this...

2 days later...
I can't do this. I... just... cant... I can't believe I trusted myself in surviving life with my kid. It's great that my mother let us in her place to stay. Otherwise, I would just be roaming around the streets of Miami with a baby in my arms. Ah, let me just drink my mistakes away, please...
"Oh no, you don't, Mr. Gonzalez."
That's my mom, Constance Gonzalez. She's a teacher from my elementary school. You could tell how many students cried in her class from the way she talks to people, even me.
"Don't you even try drinking at my own house, you worthless little rat. I just sent you in here, and you're trying to get yourself out now, is that it?"
"No, Ma. I didn't mean to, haha. I just... don't know what to do. I mean, I got this kid, and my degree and all, but with a drunkard for a single parent, I can't figure out how to get out of this situation."
"Now, listen here, Mr. "Bachelor", you graduated from Culinary Arts, why not use your head and not just your mouth for once?"
"Hm, I guess you're right. I should start tomorrow. Let me just-"
*grab*
"I warned you."
"Argh!"
"Now, don't expect too high-"
*thud*
Help me reason myself out of here. I feel like I am the bad guy, even though I am becoming the bad guy. I can't even reason out walking out on my mother. Ah, I really needed that drink to get me to think. Why, Ma, why???

I woke up today, glum, tired, sulky, basically every negative thought flows inside of me this instant. I better go get dressed if I want to get a job so I could feed Mark, even though Ma's got all the money she could chew off her big mouth...

4 hours later...
And... it was a failure. I didn't know you needed to be certified to apply for a job. Even if I was, the places I applied to won't even take me in because of how I look, how I smell, and how I talk. Ah, I really screwed up my life this time. Let me go home and drink all of it off.
"Oh, good. You're just in time."
"In time? Mark is crying like the world's about to end. What in hell did you do?"
"I don't know what you and Christine did to this baby, but I bet he needs something."
"Give me that-"
*grab*
"It needs my drunkard breath, you see."
*sits down*
"So, I got news for you. But first, how did the interviews go?"
"Wait, there were supposed to be interviews?"
"What in hell we're you doing applying in restaurants then, Matt Gonzalez!?"
"How should I know? This is my first time going out of the house since having Christine and Mark."
"You crappy rascal. Had you been more responsible, I would've easily approved of your relationship with Christine and the fact that you had Mark months after moving out of my house. You've got nerve to come back here and show your pathetic face with a baby filled with awe. How dare you, sicko-"

"Will you shut the fuck up!?"
"..."
"Argh. I've had enough today. I've had enough of life already. Ma, all of these exhaust me by the slightest bit of movement. I want to die right now. I want to rest and never wake up again."

"Dearest, don't think like that. I don't want you to end up like Christine..."
"Wait, what? Whatever happened to her?"
"Well, she was found dead the day after she died from overdose. Apparently, she took sleeping pills more than what she was recommended to take. I guess she then found rest and proper sleep, if you look at it on the bright side..."

That was when I realized, I made a mistake. No, I made mistakes. I should've learned to understand Christine during the times she really needed my help. Instead, I drove her away from us and called her out on her weaknesses. I exploited her depression and insomnia as something for a word worse than that, a psycho who had an odd personality. I shouldn't have done such things to her. I should've been more responsible, and not a pathetic sad drunkard that I still am today. Regret should've hit me harder so I could've realized it all sooner than now. Now, she's gone. The mother of my child, the one who completed my life. I killed her. Maybe she's showing me that it's time. Because, it is time.

I woke up today, realizing the mistakes I have to atone for. Christine, please help me get through this. Your wake-up call might not be enough to keep me from going on, I believe.

I woke up today, determined to get my certification. Yes, and I will also improve on my appearance. Not only that, but also on how I interact with people. I should not intimidate them; I should open my arms for them. Christine, you taught me this, didn't you?

I woke up today, with the plants Ma gave me to take care of, before I'm capable enough of taking care of Mark by myself. Honestly, one of them bloomed. It looks so cute. Christine, I hope you can take a look at this.

I woke up today, with Mark rushing in to my room, hugging me a good morning. Good, indeed; these kids grow up so fast! Christine, look at our 3-year old boy being such a nice kid!

I woke up today, and got dressed up for a seminar I'm to attend to. Yes, I finally got the job I dreamt of taking for years, and boy, is it worth the wait. Oh, and yes, Mark and Ma are enjoying my cooking. I finally got Ma to smile, after all these years. Christine, I got to take a photo of her smiling for you.

I woke up, 6 years ago, realizing that my deceased ex-girlfriend, the mother of my child, wanted to show me the way to waking up from such a disastrous lifestyle. She only wanted me to grow up, wake up, and live for myself. In the end, she succeeded, at such a costly price. Let me take this moment of silence for her and how she showed me hope in the end of the day.

I may have regretted my early days of being reckless, irresponsible, and stupid, but that doesn't mean I have to mourn about my loss for eternity. That hope that your loved ones leave on to you, use that to find your way towards life, and never use it to find your way out of life that easily. Never give up hope just because you're having a horrible day, a horrible year, a horrible life. It will all change and pass soon, I promise.

And so with that, I woke up today.
-Matt Gonzalez