Jennie
Smiles.
Funerals are full of them.
An entire range of smiles is what I've received today.
I never want to smile and thank someone for coming again.
The church is filled with people smiling while paying their respects. It should make me feel good for the support, but instead, it angers me. Most of these people didn't care about her kind until tragedy hit. Parents are here, who denied their children playdates with her because of where she came from. Even Mrs. Garfield shoots me an apologetic smile, a hint of shame in her eyes, when it's her turn to give her condolences.
Ella's casket is small, and the bright pink flowers Mingsoon picked out lie atop it. She's wearing her Dorothy costume, and her stuffed Kuma is nestled at her side. I came early before the showing, sat in front of her casket, and apologized. I should've never trusted Joohyun with her. Never. That's on me. Our little Dorothy will be buried today because of my stupid judgment.
When I look at her, it's a deeper cut into my heart, but I won't quit torturing myself. Every heart-shattering glance is worth it because, after today, I'll never be able to do it again. All I'll have is photos.
Adjusting to life without Ella is a mixture of emotions—denial, disbelief, anger, regret, and sadness. As she was the youngest, Mingsoon and I made Ella the priority of our lives, and now, she's gone even though all the evidence of the space she filled in our hearts is everywhere.
Joohyun put in a request to attend the funeral, but it was denied. Denied by Mayor Kim. She's facing a long list of charges for Ella's death, including vehicular manslaughter. I haven't visited her again and don't plan to. Mingsoon's attitude hasn't changed in the matter either.
I take a seat in the front row and look over to the corner where Jisoo has stood since she came in. She's kept her distance, but even that is comforting. I never doubted she'd show.
I catch a glimpse of her family a few rows back—including her father. Jiyoon reached out to Mingsoon a few days ago, inviting him over to her house for dinner. I'm not dumb. They want to warm themselves up to him. He declined, but he was nice about it. It's his sister, and he's having trouble coming to terms with that. He lost a sister, and now, a new one is coming around.
I've felt guilt over my wanting custody of him. He'll have more money, growing up as another Kim, but I can't lose him. I've already lost Ella, and I won't survive another loss. I'm also not too selfish; if the time comes and Mingsoon does want to live with them, I'd let him go.
I'd let him go because, unlike everyone else, it's his happiness that matters to me.
I look over when Jisoo sits down next to me. There's been an empty chair there since I sat down. It's almost as if no one dared to take it.
"Hi," she says.
Her being at my side eases me.
"Hi," I reply.
When the service starts and the tears hit, she grabs my hand. I squeeze it tight. Mingsoon gives the eulogy, keeping his sobs together to say his words. I'm mentally and physically depleted when it ends.
"Thank you for coming," I whisper as people clear out of the church.
"Always," she says.
The three of us stand, and Jisoo looks from me to Mingsoon. "I'm right next door and not going anywhere. If you need anything—sugar, a friend, a hug—you guys come knocking, okay?"
Mingsoon and I nod.
Her offer makes me smile for a brief moment—something I haven't done in what seems like weeks.
**
The loss of Ella hits Mingsoon the hardest when we arrive home.
He plucks a picture of her from the fridge, sets it down on the table next to the pizza we picked up, and stares at it, tears resurfacing. "I wouldn't even dress up as a stupid scarecrow for her!" he says through sobs. "That's all she wanted—for her big brother to go trick-or-treating with her—and I let her down because I was being a stupid hard-ass." He ducks his head down in humiliation ... anger ... sadness. "God, what I'd do to have her back. I'd dress up as a scarecrow every day of my life. I'd do anything—anything—for her to be next to me right now."
I get up from my chair, stand behind him, and wrap my arms around his shoulders.
I don't know how long we cry and stare at her.
When Mingsoon goes to bed, the pizza untouched, I tread into my bedroom.
Reality sinks through, drowning me like an anchor, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to reach the surface again. I slide down the wall, raise my knees, and slack forward. I want to break down in tears but scream out in anger. Every emotion for every shitty thing in my life is finally pouring out of me like an overflowing stream.
A knock on the door breaks me away from my thoughts, and I sniffle, wiping my nose with my arm. The door opens, and I hear someone walk in. I shut my eyes and release a breath at her scent.
"Mingsoon let me in," Jisoo whispers into the darkness of my bedroom. I vaguely see her hand held out to me. "Come here."
I shake my head. "I need to get this out."
She nods, but instead of leaving, she slides down the wall and sits next to me. "Then, get it out."
She doesn't talk or touch me again. She sits there, assuring me I'm not alone, until I fall asleep.
When I wake up, she's gone.
