Dark mind

Thank You/// Acknowledgments

I felt like happiness, and love was not something I deserved, nor something I could have. I didn't feel those kinds of things towards myself, so why would other people show me something I didn't have inside of me? I thought of myself as a person no one would ever love and accept because of everything that was happening in my life, so when the people closest to me gave me affection and showed worry for me, I was taken aback and never reacted in the best way. Sometimes, there are days where I still have to remind myself that I do indeed deserve to be happy.

At the beggining, nobody understood me and I isolated myself from the world because I was scared, voiceless, and society told me I had no right to feel the way I did. The longer I spent by myself, the more I understood what was going on with me, and I realized no one would ever understand the way my mind worked other than me. It took a lot for me to come clean about my issuies, and it took me a year to find the courage to speak publicly about my mental health. And I did it because it felt liberating, it felt good to tell the world that my life was not perfect, and that I had every right to suffer or be "sad" about it, as they put it. I also did it because I wanted to take the risk, I had absolutely nothing to loose and because I wanted the people who feel like I do to know that they aren't the only ones out there with these weird, crazy, horrible thoughts and feelings.

For so long, I ran from what was going on in my life. And all that caught up with me and I ended up very screwed up. But during that screw up, during those five days of being separated from the outside world, I finally stopped. And once I got back to my life, I decided to make something out of all the black that clung to me for so long.

And thus, Dark Mind was born.

I started writing it, feeling rebellious. And it became my life story, as honest as I could ever speak about it.

The whole expirience helped me develope a sense of honesty I never knew I could have, and that is why today I speak so bluntly about practically everything. It helped me become brave, and in a way made me a bit strong.

It took me a while to understand that just because I had come clean about my situations, it didn't mean that they would go away. My problems are very much real, and they always want to be let known, something that I have had to deal with. Sometimes, I still feel as lost as I felt before, as loveless and misunderstood. I feel out of control, I feel like I can't breathe. The feeling never lasts, it eventually goes away. Sometimes, I manage to stay positive, other times I find it impossible. In the end, I come out okay.

I always thought I was alone in all this, that no one would ever understand how I was feeling. But then I found people who were stuck in the same place I was, and it made me feel less alone and less of a freak. So I wrote this, a constructive outlet for myself and as a message for those who needed it, for those who needed a voice or a piece of guidance.

I feel like all of my struggles made me feel more human than I ever felt in my life, and that is why mental health is such an important topic for me. I always talk about it, always spread awareness. Because I want to help other people who feel like I do, in any way I can. Nobody deserves to suffer that way, nobody.

I cannot guarantee you that what you're going through will pass, nor can I guarantee that it will go away. I can only tell you that there are better days ahead of you, that you are not alone, not a freak, not a weirdo, not misunderstood, not weak or too emotional. You are human, like everyone else. You're trying to survive the challenges that have been put in you're life without giving up. You're different, and that alone makes you stand out. Do not convince yourself you're alone or deserve to suffer. Look for help, speak about you're situation. You might be surprised how many people suffer in silence, how many people will understand you even just a little bit, and how good it feels to take the weight of the world of you're shoulders enough so you can breath again.

Im so sorry if you felt identified within these pages. It literally breaks my heart knowing that they're are other people out there who are suffering and battling depression and anxiety and they're demonds and they're past, mental illness, etc. It sounds cheesy, but I wish I could hug every single one of you, give you the love you deserve to feel. If you need a friend, let me know. Im here for you.

You are valued and loved.
You're worth more than gold.
You are beautiful even if you don't see it.
You are important.
You have a purpose, a reason to stay.
Don't give up, for you are not given anything you cannot handle. Trust me on that.

Ending this, I want to thank Madeline, Tyler, Sebastian, Jason and Jordan. You all changed my lives for the better, gave me a kind of insight I never thought I would have. I am better because of you and you're struggles.

And last, but certainly not least, I want to thank Juniper. I portrayed myself into this character and I feel like it is an extension of myself. Thank you, for choosing me to tell you're story, and for helping me keep writing my own. Thank you for understanding me in ways that no other person will ever comprehend. You helped me see things clearer, see myself with more clarity. And you taught me that although nothing is perfect, everything has a solution. You know me better than anyone else and you love me for who I am, something I thought was close to impossible. One day, maybe I will learn to love Ali as much as you love Juni.

Im grateful for these 47 chapters, all the struggles being so real and felt with so much pain. But in the end, love persevered. Nothing more, nothing less.

As promised, here are the shoutouts.
Aleck190 - "That's my destiny"
Autumn12925 - "Empty"
dreaminspirer- "Dream Catcher"
Skymjw- "Amor de infancia (seto y tu)"
deviantdemon- "Whisp"
irisdonvolt- "Stace Kelland: The Curse of Ausperiado."

I apologize in advance if I spelled any of the titles wrong. Feel free to check out there profiles and read they're stories, they are awesome.

With many tears and a smile on my face, I sign off and say goodbye to Dark Mind.

I love you all, and again, I thank you.
-Ali D.
♡