I was sleeping. Well, it was more like lying down and staring at the wall and feeling empty. I didn't feel anything. I just can't express myself. It's like I know there is a pain but my mind decided to just not let me feel it cause it has pity on my heart. I feel like there is a void in my heart but then, my heart is being filled completely with darkness and endless pain. I just can't breathe as it is suffocating me so much. I just want all of this to end. There is no such thing as true happiness in my life because of the second I decide to fight back and be happy, life screws me over again. It's not that I can't take it, but just because someone can handle the pain, doesn't mean that they actually deserve it. All of my friends tell me life is beautiful. But they don't see that even the most beautiful rose, has thorns.
Many people comment about my depression, they tell me that it's attention-seeking, but what they don't understand is that talking about depression is like telling a person with no legs how amazing it is to run, it's like telling a person how amazing it is to fly when they have no wings.
All of this has become my life, I used to be so happy, innocent, I used to treat myself like a princess and be happy, but the world made me lose it all, the world is cruel. Now the only hands I want to hold is a weapon. I can't take it anymore. So then, I felt my tears forming, slowly pouring out, till I can't control it anymore and put my hand over my mouth to stop making loud sounds, it's sad that that's how I fall asleep every day.
Then I wake up, and put a smile on my face, just so no one would worry and go to school, the place where my anxiety reaches its pinnacle and the depths of my darkness increase.
I can't help but put on makeup to cover my red puffy eyes. After doing so I put on an oversized hoodie and walk to school. After reaching, I went to my locker to get my books for French class. I closed my locker and I could feel a presence behind me. I turned over and saw the only living person that showed a meagre amount of care to me. Jimin. He gave me one of his bright smiles which turned his eyes to crescents. I just stood there expressionlessly and then there it was, the dreaded school bell that destroyed everyone's ears. Reminding us that we had to go back to our respective jails, oops, I meant classes. I ignored jimin and walked to the other side of our school building, the French class.
Before I could avoid him in completely, he grabbed my hands and dragged me to God knows where I struggled in his grip which seemed to have no effect whatsoever in any way.
We stopped near the bleachers and he made me sit down. I gave up my hope on trying to go back to class because even if I did, I would be too late and get detention with my luck.
I sighed and stayed quiet. He sat down beside me and sighed. He slowly looked at me and said:" why do you push everyone away?"
"what do you mean by that jimin?" I asked him.
" y/n, why don't you trust anyone? Why do you push me away when I want to get closer to you?" he asked me. For the first time in my life, someone actually cares about what I think, what I feel and how I want to be. I just felt that I could trust him, but I didn't want to. I can't risk my shattered heart and end up turning it into granules.
I just got up and took all of my stuff and started walking towards the school. Jimin got up and followed right after me.
" Y/n why won't you even talk to me?" he said.
" I don't want to," I said and kept walking.
" is it because you feel vulnerable?" he asked. That was the question that made me stop and turn towards him.
" yes jimin," I said and decided to go quicker. He then tried to catch up and said to me
" yah! Stop I have shorter legs!"
I did stop and I turned towards him.
" jimin please, leave me alone, I don't want to break myself again." I said hoping that he would leave me alone after I said all of that to him, but he didn't budge, instead, he took me in his arms and gave me a tight hug.
" Y/n, I know that I'm not trustworthy to you yet, but believe me when I say that I want you to be happy, I want you to enjoy life, smile, have friends that you could laugh with, I want you to be able to express yourself fearlessly, don't hide your emotions, don't hurt yourself, don't be sad, I love you because I know that you're the kindest, sweetest human ever. I love that you always put others first, but please put yourself first, know that you're the only one that stays with you forever. I know that you're afraid to be vulnerable again, but what if you have someone? I know that you still feel pain even if you don't show it outside, all I see is a fake smile that passes as a facade. This is toxic y/n, please listen to me. Please don't hurt yourself even further, I love you y/n, and I know you feel that it's absurd to think that someone would love you, but it's not y/n, if you saw yourself the way I did, you'd be falling deep. So please y/n, let me love you, my angel and devil because I promise to love the darkest and the worst sides of you. " jimin said while hugging me and wiping my tears that slowly started forming while he was speaking. I didn't say anything and higher him tighter, crying. I was really grateful, someone loved me.
