l'osservatore della bellezza | wolfstar

and sometimes we laugh and sing

Sirius was fairly accustomed to James' peculiar mood swings.

"She's so bloody beautiful, Sirius! Even more than you!"

Not this one, though.

"She just has the most perfect sense of humour and she's almost prickly - "

"James."

" - but then beneath that there's this wonderful kindness and sensitivity that I sometimes glimpse - "

"James."

" - and the expression in her eyes is just so goddamn beautiful - "

Sirius sighed. This had been going on for a very long time. Too long.

" - and her smile - "

"James fucking Potter, please, for the love of God and heaven above, be quiet."

James groaned, rolling over in his bed and pressing his face into his pillow. "But I can't, Sirius. She's everywhere in my mind."

"Why don't you let her know of your feelings towards her then?"

"Because I've never felt like this before! All I've ever known about courting is the immediate outcome, not beyond that. I'm certain to cock things up and I'm desperate not to."

Sirius lay down beside him, gazing blankly at the ceiling. "Are you truly in love with her?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's not just infatuation?"

James snorted, turning to face him. "Trust me, I am great friends with infatuation. This is nothing like that."

"In what way?" Sirius was curious. He'd never really been in love before, and James sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

The other man rolled over once more, and they both looked up at the ceiling, which I'm sure felt very bashful now, except for the fact that ceilings can't feel embarrassment, which makes this paragraph pointless.

"I guess it's true."

"What is?"

"What you said. It's true."

"Don't be vague, it's annoying."

James rolled his eyes. "I don't know whether I am actually in love with her. I don't have a point of reference."

A pause. "But...?"

"But then what is this feeling? This need to be around her? The sunshine I see in her smile and hear in her voice?"

"Infatuation?"

"It's more than just that. I need to be better than I am for her, I have to be, and I've never felt like that before. I never thought I needed to be more than what I already am."

So that was love, then? Wanting to better yourself, so you felt like you deserved someone?

Sirius let out a breath. "You're hooked."

Another mournful groan. "Yes, I am."

There was a quiet, wherein each of them were entirely lost in their own thoughts.

Sirius was confused as to why James' description of love sounded to him so familiar. He struggled to remember a time where he hadn't tried desperately to improve himself, not just for a lover, but for his friends or his family. Even strangers on the road.

He was constantly pushing himself to be better, to be more likeable or charming, because it was drilled into him that who he was now would never be good enough. That if he wasn't aiming for perfection he was worthless.

James, on the other hand, was confused in a different way. He had mostly lived his life confident in himself. Sure, he had flaws, but he had worked on them mostly for himself, because he knew that he would be happier for it. He wasn't necessarily selfish, but his own joy tended to come first.

But here was a woman, who he only saw now and again, who was everything brilliant in this world, and suddenly he wanted to improve. He wanted to be worthy of her time and love, but there was still such a long way to go. He worried he would never get to a point where he felt like he deserved to hold her hand.

You may be confused too. Let me make it clearer to you.

Sirius had always doubted himself. That was how he had been raised. Ergo, for him, love should not be about doubting himself further. That sounded like Hell.

James, however, had rarely doubted himself. Therefore, love, to him, was about having someone open his eyes to his flaws, but to also know that they were there and waiting for him to be a better person.

Funny, isn't it? Imagine having self confidence. But anyway, I digress.

"Have you heard from Regulus recently?" James asked, breaking the silence.

"I received a letter from him a couple of days ago, actually."

"Is he alright?"

Sirius nodded. "He and his 'friend', the younger Bartemius Crouch, have apparently finally finished furnishing their shared home."

"Didn't they start months ago?"

"Apparently the aesthetics were all wrong."

"I see." James looked over. "Are you happy about them both being... 'friends'?"

Sirius smiled. "I know the Crouches aren't perhaps the nicest family. But I know all about feeling as though your family defines you, aren't I?"

"That's very true."

"Besides, Regulus sounds happy. Barty makes him happy. And as long as he doesn't break his heart, then I have no complaints."

James nudged his shoulder. "I have a complaint, however. Or, not a complaint, but an invasive query."

"Oh, do you?"

"Yes." He settled into his pillow. "Why haven't you and Remus banged yet?"

"Subtlety is not your forte, my dear friend."

"You're clearly infatuated with him, and he's putting on airs but is obviously in the same boat."

"Oh, good, you noticed that, I was going to ask for a second opinion about the matter," Sirius replied, pretending he wasn't a little relieved.

"You didn't think he was attracted to you?"

"I have a habit of not taking it for granted all the time."

A scoff. "You're a damned idiot."

"Thank you, James."

"And, you haven't answered my question." James turned onto his side, looking at his friend. "Why haven't you shagged?"

"Because it's fun, James. He's enjoying pulling me along by a lead and I'm happy to follow. What's sex, if there isn't weeks of foreplay and teasing before it occurs? There's no rush, after all."

James opened his mouth, then closed it again. "I think I found out a little too much there."

Sirius shrugged. "Well, you did ask."

"That, I did."