l'osservatore della bellezza | wolfstar

but our lives so sweetly intertwine

When she looked back later on this day, Dorcas would blame her anger.

One moment, she was standing alone, her heart trodden under the feet of the people bustling around her. Marlene was long gone, disguised as another stranger in the crowd.

The next moment, she was striding back to Lupin's place, fury like a storm billowing inside her, each step like thunder breaking over the city.

Soon she had slammed open the front door, and was marching up the stairs. The door leading to the drawing room (where Remus was still sat) was the next to be attacked, and Remus himself her final victim.

The stupid man looked up bemusedly at her blazing face. He seemed tired. "What is it?"

"What is it? Look at me and figure it out!"

Remus appraised her carefully, and shrugged. "You're sad."

"I'm angry."

"Because you're sad."

"No, because you're sitting on your arse and moping as if you weren't the one who broke someone else's heart."

"Careful, Dorcas, or I'll make you leave."

"Remus, listen to me."

"Why?"

She sat down on the armchair nearby. "Because Sirius loves you, and you love him, and that means that neither of you need to be miserable. The only reason you are miserable is because you're too scared to love him."

He stared, and Dorcas felt suddenly cowed by the expression in his eyes: it was the first real emotion he had shown in a long time. The coldness of his gaze made her shiver a little.

"I'm going to ask you to go now, Dorcas. Even between us, there is a boundary. You have done well not to cross it so far - don't cross it now."

With that, he turned away from her, and looked out the window, all emotion leaving him again just as swiftly as it had arrived.

Dorcas didn't move for a moment, listening to her heart as it pounded inside her throat. But then she got up, and she ducked her head as she made her way to the door, feeling embarrassed.

Then Remus called after her, "Wait."

She stopped. "Yes?"

"Come back."

"I'm sorry?"

He gestured to the chair. "Tell me what you were going to say - what you've been wanting to say this last month. I'm sorry - " his voice shook slightly, " - I shouldn't have snapped at you. But first, tell me what happened."

Sitting again, Dorcas fiddled with her skirts, then felt a lump rise to her throat, because Marlene fiddled with her own skirts all the time. It was a nervous habit.

Inexplicably - horrifically - she felt tears start to her eyes, then roll quietly down her face. There was nothing she could do to stop them. Shame coiled up inside her. She felt its weight, and hated it with her whole heart.

Remus did not ignore her tears, as Dorcas had expected him to. Neither did he voice any acknowledgement of their existence. He just rested his hand on hers, where it lay limply on her knee, and the warmth of his palm against the dry skin of her hand soothed her. It was like comforting a child who was afraid of something very silly, like the dark, but it made Dorcas want to cry again: she couldn't remember the last time she had wanted to cry this much.

With much hesitation, and not a lot of coherence, the story was said, shoved out of her mouth in choked little parcels. It took a long time; she wanted to speak faster, but was often unable to.

There was not much interruption, since Remus had chosen to just listen silently. Sometimes he made some passing remark, maybe a joke ("No wonder my shoes are always so scuffed after you scrape the mud off them!"), but near the end he grew quieter and quieter, and as she finished the tale he merely stared at the floor, seemingly lost in thought.

She didn't disturb him, using the time to wipe her face and take a few breaths.

He finally spoke, a few minutes later. "I'm sorry that - "

"Don't bore me."

A brief smirk. "As you wish." The smile faded. "She hurt you."

"Yes."

"In the same way I hurt Sirius."

"Yes." She swallowed. "Marlene hurt me by leaving. And... and I know Sirius physically left you, but..." There was no way she could say what she wanted to nicely.

"I left him alone in love. I made him leave, so really, I'm the one who left. Not him. Is that what you're trying to say?"

Nodding, Dorcas looked at him full in the face. Their eyes met, she asked a soundless question, and Remus sighed, nodding back.

"It isn't my place to say."

"You don't need my permission to speak."

"I did a while ago."

"Just tell me, Dorcas. Someone has to."

She kept looking at him carefully, and he looked directly back at her.

"He loves you, which means you have a definite chance, yes?"

"He loved me, though he might not now."

"That's beside the point, but I think he loved you a lot more than you realised, and he probably still does. What I'm trying to say is... if you have a chance, you should take it. I know you're terrified, I know it's scary to love, and I don't know all that's happened to you. But as you're friend - if you consider me your friend - "

"I do."

" - listen to me, please." She took his hand this time, watching his eyes turn glossy. "Don't let go of the one person who has made you smile more than I've ever seen you smile."

"I've already let him go."

"And that was stupid of you. But you know that, and now you need to get him back."

Remus finally looked away. "But how, Dorcas? He might not want to see me."

"Write him a letter. That's got to be a good start, right? Just don't sit here and break your heart over him if you can avoid it. Don't break your heart, and don't break his."

"I think I already have."

"Remus Lupin, I am going to kill you if you keep being a stubborn arsehole. Go bring that utter sod home, you prick, or I won't talk to you again."

A smile. A real one, that seemed to alight in him like a candle. "Alright then, I will. I'll bring Sirius home."

She smiled back. "Good."