Running For Miles | ✓

18 ➳ In A Friend Way

I clenched my jaw, moving the camera away from my face, so that she was unable to see how red my face was, "Hanna," I sighed, "I moved here to get away from Boston, I do not need constant updates on him, okay?" I snapped, "I've moved on, just stop all the Boston shit."

Before she could reply, I hung up as I felt guilt envelop me in an instant. I shouldn't have snapped at her, but for god's sake, I call her because she is my only friend and other than Sam and my dad, she is all I have.

I don't think we have called once since I moved here without her not talking about Boston at least once and it quite honestly really fucking sucks. I hate that he hurt me and I had to run away, I never got the chance to properly break things off, I never got the time to grieve the loss of someone I loved and honestly. . .I still love him.

It hurts, it really does. But if I had stayed, I do not think I would have lived very long, rather Boston would have killed me or I would have done it myself to end my misery.

I hate that he is hurting other people because of me. He hurt Carter, he hurt Isobel, he hurt me and I am starting to think that maybe moving here was not the best option. What if he continues to hurt people until I have no choice but to return?

I can't take this anymore. I feel like I cannot breathe, every corner I turn is another dead end.

Without a second thought, I exited my room, running down that stairs before rushing out of my house. I could not get out of there fast enough, I could physically feel the walls closing in on me.

Breathe, Eden.

I exhaled sharply as my bare feet hit the wood on the doc, the creaky boards squeaking beneath my toes.

I came to a holt at the end as I stared at the deep green lake in front of me, the long strings of kelp swirling in the water as though it was begging for me to jump in, so that it could envelop me and tug me under.

Maybe I should jump in, I won't swim and I'll let the seaweed drag me under and when I finally run out of air, I'll let go. I won't fight it, I'll just. . .stop.

They say it is called an ambiguous loss, that is what it is called when you lose someone, but they aren't actually gone. Like when a loved one gets dementia, they slowly lose parts of themselves until there is nothing left to love. Boston was sweet once upon a time, but as time went on, I found myself wondering why.

Why did I love him? He is terrible. He has ruined me and I am only seventeen.

He is gone. He is dead to me, but he isn't here, he is no longer the person I once loved dearly, so I will grieve losing him as though he died because it is easier to pretend someone is dead, rather than surrounded by other people, girls like me that he could potentially hurt.

I just wish this could stop entirely.

Why can't I be more like Lila? She has good grades, she is smart, beautiful, she has the biggest house in the estate, she has an attractive best friend and even her worst enemy loves her. She doesn't feel anything, she is like a 2D object, there is nothing more to her than what you see.

Or maybe there is, but she hides it so well. I thought I did too until I met her.

I sat down, my heart aching in my chest as I pulled out my phone and saw that I already had three missed calls from Hanna.

It was wrong of me to snap at her, but I could not help myself. I will make sure to call her again later and apologise, but right now, I just needed to breathe.

Usually I am more than happy to be alone, but right now I needed company. A distraction. Feeling right now was too much, so I texted the first person that came to mind.