Perpetual Existence

Six

I reach the bottom of the stairs when the phone rings suddenly. The clock on the wall shows things should remain in motion as it has in previous loops. Nothing I've done should've changed anything. Esme answers to a frantic Charles Swan, asking for Carlisle.

Alice gasps along with Esme as Bella's father explains he found her in the bathroom, her wrists cut, and begs Carlisle to meet him at the hospital. My world spins, darkness on the fringes of my vision.

.

.

.

I gasp as I awake on the same day, my hands on my knees as I come to realize what's happened in the last loop. Bella Swan has killed herself, for whatever reason, but it doesn't change a thing. I'm wearing the same clothes I wore in the first loop. Esme is still whistling to the same fifties song as she works on a fall arrangement. Alice chats with my mother about the new girl.

I'm in hell, or is purgatory the right word?

Regardless, there's no way out.

.

.

.

Somehow, I make it through my first-period class, choosing to let things progress as they're meant to. I'm destined to relive this nightmare. There's is no escaping the torment. I walk to my Physics class after reassuring Alice I'm fine.

She knows I'm not.

I hear Bella walking outside toward the classroom. She nervously approaches the door and asks Mr. Banner if she has the right class.

Funny, I just realize at this moment, this is only the second time we've made it here. In all the other loops, I fail much sooner, having already tasted her. I've known where to look for her, to take from her much earlier in the morning.

I hold my breath as she passes the heating vent, watching her brow furrow. It distracts me enough to stop me from getting up. She heads to her seat beside me after Mr. Banner points her in the right direction. I move my books from her side of the table, trying my best not to swallow the venom that coats my tongue.

I may not be able to smell her, but my mind and body know what she tastes like, what her body feels like in my arms as I drain it. I want to feel and taste all those things again. My hand clenches over my knee, hard enough to cause fissures in my granite-like skin. The pain is manageable, something to focus on rather than the girl.

She moves slowly as she approaches our table as if she's afraid of something. "I fall down a lot." She proves the memory of one of the recent loops by stumbling over the slightest dip in the flooring. A second later, she manages to fall onto her chair, embarrassment colors her pale skin. She starts to remove something from her bag but notices Mr. Banner turn on the television and starts up the VCR.

Mr. Banner explains what we'll be watching for the next two days, and how we should pay attention because there'll be a test on it. The class groans in unison, but Bella looks somewhat stunned. Her gaze flicks to me under the protection of her hair, her teeth scraping over her full bottom lip. They are soft, growing a brighter red under the assault.

I'm under her spell, unable to look away. Trapped in her gaze, I notice for the first time the gold flecks of color among the velvet brown.

Abruptly, we're thrown into darkness, and I don't miss her small gasp. I watch unabashedly, still holding my breath, curious to her strange reaction. Her breathing picks up, her hands clench into small fists, only to shake her fingers out after a moment.

My body itches to reach for her. However, I'm starting to realize it's for a different reason. Or more than one, since the monster is insisting I listen to him. I want to know what her skin feels like under the cloak of darkness. Her eyes on the bright screen, highlighting her face in the artificial glow. I find myself longing to know what she looks like under sunlight on a warm day.