Perpetual Existence

Five

Had I been human, I probably would've lost count by now.

I've killed Bella Swan fourteen times. Every time the monster wins no matter what I do to prevent it. The guilt eats away at me at each turn, yet I also make adjustments on the how, so I can enjoy her essence longer.

There are two of me: the man who wants to prevent killing the girl and the monster who wants to savor every drop.

I stop midway down the stairs and run up to my room to change my clothes from what I've worn for fourteen loops. My sudden disappearance makes Esme and Alice stop talking about Bella downstairs.

It's cruel and torturous to catch this conversation every time, mocking me about the good person I'm killing.

As if I don't know this already.

It's in her soft, caring voice whenever she talks about her parents or as she speaks with her father in the morning before he leaves for work. She stays away from gossip, but if something is important to whomever she's having a discussion with, she listens.

Three times, I've tried to leave town first thing upon awakening or shortly after, only to somehow always cross paths with Bella Swan. It seems to be inevitable for this day to never end. My choices are what keep me here in this unending horror.

To live my greatest regret over and again is punishment for my past sins.

This time I choose to go about the day as I had the first time and face her in the classroom and not breathe. I've failed thirteen times to get past noon, so I'm determined this will be the time. If I can hold back in the class, then maybe I can manage to walk away without killing the girl.

Alice seems too preoccupied with my future, finding none but a void where it should be. She questions me silently as she and Esme arrange pumpkins in various sizes. 

I shake my head, refusing to change anything until I face Bella Swan as Edward Cullen. The rest of the morning goes off the same way as the first time, only the tension between my siblings and me is more palpable. They know I'm not telling them something, but they've tried many times to help me, and in the end, they're hurt and she's still dead.

Something strange is going on, though: Bella Swan misses her first period class. I spread my mental range outward, to its limits, to see if the accident may still have happened. Although, it hardly makes sense since we come across her when I barely miss her on the road during this loop...as I've done since the first time.

Bella isn't in Physics when I arrive as the bell rings.

It's not until the third period I catch a glimpse of her in Angela Weber's thoughts. She appears disheveled and angry, as her father escorts her to class. Since Angela doesn't have my hearing ability, I can't hear what he tells Mrs. Goff.

I smile at Alice as we meet up for lunch, finding it a little difficult to believe she has nothing to say. Her mind is full of visions of Jasper and how the others are waiting outside with him. I already know this, but say nothing.

What can I say? "I'm sorry I'm so quiet, Alice. I'm trying not to kill the new girl."

That will go over well.

Internally, I roll my eyes, not at all surprised to find the beast within me rattling his cage. He knows the only thing that will quench his thirst is near. Close enough to smell. I look through the thoughts of my classmates to find her staring at the cafeteria doors, pouting and shaking her head.

"Uh, why does she have to be so weird?" Jessica asks herself. It's been clear from the beginning she hates the attention Bella Swan is receiving, especially from Newton. She nudges Bella with her elbow, cocking an eyebrow as the girl turns away and walks out of the building.