trigger warning: mentions of mental illness
luke:
come back
calum:
i just left
luke:
two and a half hours ago
calum:
still
luke:
come back
calum:
u should visit me next time
luke:
don't tempt me
fr tho thank you for being there for me
i don't really have people i can go to irl when i'm hypomanic
although ig i can't rly say hypomanic when i'm referring to whatever the fuck was happening to me then because it could've been worse
i was just exhausted and sad
also most of the time i don't even realize it's happening until people point out something that's off with me
calum:
it's okay i get it
luke:
i guess now would be a good time to mention that i'm bipolar
calum:
that's why you said you were manic
hypomanic*
luke:
yeah i couldn't find my meds so i went a couple days without
calum:
that is,, not good??
luke:
i found them like an hour before you got here tho
calum:
good
when did you get diagnosed?
fuck
wait
no
i shouldn't have asked that
i'm sorry that's not something you ask people-
i'm dumb
luke:
it's okay i genuinely could not care less
i don't mind answering
most people think i'm crazy when they find out so
calum:
what the fuck
that's horrible
luke:
yeah
first they thought i was depressed
i was 15
then i had my first hypomanic episode
after i got arrested with max for public indecency, certain circumstances led to me getting a psych eval
and a diagnosis
it was greattttttttt
it wasn't actually great i just use humor and sarcasm to mask my trauma
calum:
wait
you keep saying hypomanic
what is that
luke:
a less severe form of mania
bipolar i is more severe than bipolar ii; people with bipolar i usually have manic episodes while people with bipolar ii have hypomanic episodes
i'm pretty sure i was hypomanic when i first had sex with max
because one of my biggest indicators that i'm hypomanic is hyper-sexuality, so
oh while we're on the topic, i also have ocd
they figured that out when i was 16 and my mom was yelling at me because i kept rearranging all the silverware in the dishwasher because i was terrified someone was gonna lean down and get stabbed in the wrist with a fork or a knife or something
it's not /that/ severe
but it's clearly there and i get treatment for it
so
also i know the silverware thing is irrational but it's one of my main triggers and i have no idea why
calum:
it's not like you can control what triggers you and what doesn't
you don't have to try to explain it away
i get it
luke:
thank you
so you still wanna be my friend, right
calum:
??,).?.?,!,!,!,???
yes,?????
luke:
okay just making sure
i've had people skip out on our friendships because they decide i'm too much work
or just too much in general
calum:
i'll fight whoever thinks that
luke:
thanks
also don't mention this to ashton or michael pls
not in a bad way or anything i'm just closer with you than i am with them
calum:
i won't
it's not my place to tell anyone about either away
luke:
yeah
okay it's ur turn what are ur darkest secrets
calum:
god
luke:
shdjdksksk
calum:
a secret for a secret right
luke:
no i'm kidding you don't have to tell me your darkest secrets
calum:
i'm gay
luke:
I SAID YOU DIDNT AHLCE TO TEL L ME
calum:
i was gonna anyway
i had to tell someone i was losing my shit hiding it
luke:
okay good
calum:
ask i have a question for you so that's partially why i told you
luke:
shoot
calum:
how the fuck do i convince myself i'm actually gay and not just faking it
luke:
you have to trust yourself
i mean- i'm bi so i can't necessarily speak for you 100% here but if you like guys then you like them
and if you don't like women, you don't
and only you can decide who you are
calum:
yeah
i just feel like since i /just/ got out of a relationship with a woman i'm,,not valid
luke:
did you have feelings for her
calum:
at the beginning, yeah
but i haven't for a while
when i started dating her i was confused as fuck and sad and didn't know who i was and i thought i was bi but midway through the relationship i was like oh fuck i don't like women
but i still feel like since i was with her,,
luke:
your past relationships don't mean shit in regards to that, cal
i'm still bi when i'm with women
you're still gay if you had a girlfriend in the past
you can grow and change and not know who you are
i used to think i was gay but i realized i'm not
and it's okay the other way around too
calum:
god you're smart
luke:
this has nothing to do with being smart
just emotional trauma from not knowing who i was and not wanting you to go through that
calum:
thank u
u is good
u is sweet
u is bestest friend ever
luke:
😂😂
brb changing your contact name
calum:
to what
luke:
calum my bf <3
calum:
awwh i love you too boyfriend
luke:
🥺✌️
calum my bf <3:
do u have contact names like that for ash and michael😔
luke:
no they're just ashton and michael
calum my bf <3:
AWWWHHHH
i feel special
luke:
yeah don't tell them tho they'll get jealous😔😔
calum my bf <3:
LMAO
——
a/n-
i did like a shit ton of research on ocd and bipolar disorder before and as i wrote this chapter and i'm gonna continue doing so but if i get anything wrong/say anything stupid please let me know because i don't wanna fuck anything up <3
