𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐥𝐞

blonde

I saw you yesterday,
eyes a vivid shade of green
and your blonde hair a complete
and utter mess atop your head.
you didn't smile at all
and somehow I wanted you to.
even this close,
you're still so distant. your
eyes are wandering the stars
while your fingers lace through your
hair for a split second.
I want to stare but I find it hard
to even look up at you.
do you study me the way I study you?
do you notice things about me
only someone who watched
carefully would?
I saw you that day, although you
didn't even know it.
you sat in the library long after
we were there.
and I could see you typing something
on one of the computers.
was it a page of regrets and frustration
or one filled with loving words and
gentle admiration?
I couldn't tell, but I didn't
want to leave you,
afraid I'd never see you again,
although I knew I would.
So I stood in an aisle and read a
book I'd never even heard of before.
I was due elsewhere, but somehow
that didn't matter to me.
those people who I saw every
day of my life could
live without me for a little bit.
I would give anything to just stand
there for longer, for forever even
just to feel at ease.
just to feel like I did then.
I don't know what it is about you,
no one has ever made me feel quite
like this.
you are quiet and mysterious
and a piece of me wants to break
down whatever walls you've built up
around yourself,
but I'm scared.
afraid of everything that could
go wrong.
I could sneeze all over you trying to
say hello.
I could trip and fall trying
to run up to you.
I could stumble over every word I say.
I could lose my entire mind just
trying to get a few words out.
you could ignore me entirely.
you could tell me I'm a creep.
you could run off.
you could very well avoid me from
that point on.
it all terrifies me.
what if's and speculations.
nightmares and doubts.
but somehow deep inside
I know everything will be alright.

written: january 8th, 2020