Unthinkable

July***Part 5

"What were you thinking?" Penny asks before shoving another fry in her mouth.

We were having lunch with Shiv at Stoneham Pizza, and I'd just finished telling them both about the incident. Finally.

The looks on their faces perfectly reflect every emotion I've been trying to process for the last week. Penny, in disbelief, this is someone she's known her entire life. Someone she spent summers building pillow forts with. Someone she's been alone with so many times. She doesn't understand how she's missed this.

Shiv, on the other hand, is totally fucking enraged. Enraged that it happened. Enraged that her gut was right. Enraged she didn't see it coming.

"I don't know," I murmur. Now that I've told them, I sink into the realization that I don't feel any better. I've only made this their problem too. Instead of freeing myself, I feel like I've just dragged them down with me.

I'm picking at my hamburger sub. Buying myself time. Normally, I'd devour the entire sub in three bites. Today, it's a welcome prop. My fingernails can't take any more.

"I mean he gets kinda aggressive with the guys. And the holes, I know what you are talking about, I just never..." Penny, unable to process that thought fully. "I just can't believe it. I mean, I believe you, but I just can't believe it."

It's okay, Pen. I haven't really put it all together either.

Shiv looks me right in the eye, "You are obviously going to break up with him." I hear her. I understand her concern.

But it's not like he's ever hit me, and maybe I'm just overreacting to the tiramisu thing. Maybe he was just being playful and got a little out of hand. Maybe he didn't realize that I couldn't breathe. Maybe I've just been dwelling on this all week, and I've blown it out of proportion. Besides it's not like she's ever really been his biggest fan.

"Are you going to see him tonight?" Penny asks, still trying to put the pieces together in a way that makes sense.

I sigh, never so grateful to be housebound for the evening, "No, my mom won't let me go out tonight since I'm going with you to Canobie Lake tomorrow. She's worried the jet lag will turn back into mono."

I'm safe, for tonight anyways. That's not a comforting thought.

"But you are coming to Canobie tomorrow?" Shiv doesn't have a good answer for this problem either.

"Yup." A week ago I couldn't wait for this trip. "Safety in numbers, right?" We all chuckle nervously.

This is a conversation we never thought we'd have.

This isn't even a scene we've acted out on stage.

***

I'm wearing out the stones at the front door. Allison's picking me up, and Jake. Shiv and I tried to rearrange the cars last night, but geography and logic are no match for lusty teenage girls. Shiv's car is full. So, it's ride up with Jake and Allison, or don't go.

But this is high school. Not going is NOT an option. It's social suicide.

"You remember the sunscreen? I don't want you coming back with some ridiculous burn," my mom asks from the top of the stairs.

"Ridiculous? Define ridiculous." I muster up a joke. "You mean, ridiculous like stripes from the pool chair, or finger streaks where I couldn't reach, or the 'Home Alone' hands on my cheeks in Florida?" I wave a giant bottle of 50 SPF back at her.

Honk. Honk.

"Bye, love you."

"Be safe. Love you."