Bad Girls Don't Cry

Chapter 6

It's truly amazing how people push each other's buttons without ever really knowing what we're capable of. People are constantly being underestimated and it's such a dangerous thing, to underestimate. No one is harmless, not even when they want to be. I thought I was, but having the power to push people to letting out their monsters is the farthest thing from harmless. In retrospect, I think I just brought out a trait he had in him all along. If it took a few words on a computer screen in a half hour conversation to get this man to step within the realm of real sexual abuse, I don't believe I was to blame. I pushed him, sure, but never beyond The Game. His ego did that; his sense of pride was challenged and it brought out a monster. I couldn't have created the monster; it must have been there all along... just waiting.

It was a fight or flight moment. Time seemed to stand still. It felt like hours passed from the moment he barged into my room and pinned me to the wall but thinking back on it now, it must have only been seconds. Every fiber of my being wanted me to run. It may have been as easy as just a quick movement, bringing my arm up to hit his from underneath fast enough that his hand would be jerked off my neck, and then bolt for the door. But there was something different about the way he was moving, the way he was holding me, and I knew I wasn't dealing with the man I had known before. My eyes moved from his tormenting glare down to a glimmer of reflected ceiling light and it all became clear to me: he was holding a knife.

My heart began racing faster and faster. This was not part of the deal, I shouted in my head. My eyes probably grew 5 sizes as I looked back into his face. I could have sworn his eyes were mocking my helplessness.

"[Safeword]," I said sternly and in my most serious voice. I had never been so sure I wanted to use that word as I had in that very moment.

"What's the matter, bitch? Not so tough now, are you? You fucked with me, time for me to return the favor!"

I was so scared, these words cant even begin to express the level of my fear, the sound of my heart beating in my eardrums, the way my whole body shook violently with every breath and before I knew it, the knife was at my throat and I closed my eyes to pretend I was anywhere else. His hand came off my neck and all I could feel was the cold metal pressed lightly up to me. My head was tilted back against the wall and I was trying hard not to breathe too much for fear of being cut.

"Look at me", he commanded sternly. I did as I was told without any hesitation. I stopped thinking. I was under his complete control. My life depended on it. My eyes were glossy and some tears had begun flowing down my face. "Look at that beautiful face," he continued. "It would be a shame to ruin it, don't you think?" Instinctively, I closed my eyes again as more tears rolled down my cheeks and fell off my chin. "I said open your fucking eyes and look at me, you fucking cunt!" My eyes shot open and looked up at his with pleading mercy.

"[Safeword]," I muttered pathetically. "[Safeword, Safeword, Safeword...]" I started trailing off as I said it, over and over and over, almost like a prayer, so softly and so forcefully at the same time. I was starting to cry, like really cry out loud and my whole body began trembling. His right hand still held the knife to my throat and his left began to grope me, violently assaulting my breasts. My sweaty palms were pressed firmly against the wall behind me, stabilizing me so I wouldn't move. I was terrified that this man wouldn't have complete control over the knife and move it in the wrong way. A single slip and that could have been the end of me.

"I told you, you shouldn't have tested me, bitch. You didn't know what I was capable of, but you're about to find out. Don't you fucking fight me, or I will cut your fucking head, OFF!" He dug the knife into my neck harder and my head tried to go back further; I felt I wanted to break a hole in the wall behind me to escape. I resented the wall for its existence.