broken ghosts

part twenty-three

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JUNGKOOK'S FOCUS

Knocks on the door made Jungkook flinch, distracting him from the game he was playing. He got up reluctantly, wondering who could be at the door as he wasn't expecting anyone and Taehyung wasn't home. And when he found out who was waiting for him behind the door, he wished he hadn't been home either.

"Soyeon," he let out, looking down at the small girl in front of him as a flow of feelings collided inside him. She seemed even weaker than the last time he saw her, and even if it made his heart hurt seeing her like that, there was still this constant feeling of uneasiness and betrayal floating in the air when she was around.

"Hey," she said quietly, fidgeting but still getting straight to the point, "I thought we could talk ?"

He didn't answer at first, wondering what he should do. She glanced behind him, probably to see if he was alone or if she was bothering him.

"I mean, we don't have to talk right now, we can meet later but-" she started again after seeing his lack of reaction, but he cut her off.

"No, come in," he said, his voice not as confident as he wished it to be. He stepped on the side to let her in and she took a few seconds before entering, surprised he agreed to talk.

"So you live here now ?" she asked as they sat on the couch, an awkward tension between them. They hadn't really seen each other since the trial and just texted a few times for form.

"Yeah, Taehyung needed a roommate anyway so it came at the right time I guess." She nodded, looking everywhere but at Jungkook. Before a silence could settle, he asked what had been on his mind from the moment she showed up at the door. "What did you want to talk about ?"

She finally looked at him and he noticed all her nervous habits he knew by heart. He remembered when he used to tease her for these when they were together and how she would tease his own in return. His heart ached.

"I came to talk about-" she took a deep breath, biting her lips, "about us ?"

Us.

She probably knew there was no us anymore, but Jungkook could see hope glittering in her eyes. He took a few seconds to read her expression, to know what she was thinking, and he felt his heart sink in his chest.

Because love didn't fade just like that. Because those eyes, this face, this voice, it still made him feel some type of way, even if he didn't want to. Because it still felt familiar to be alone with her, and he knew it would also feel familiar if he pulled her in a hug at this moment, or if he whispered sweet words in her ear.

But this wasn't what he wanted anymore. And to understand what she was thinking just by looking at her made his heart break, because he realized he didn't want that anymore. He didn't want to be able to read her anymore, nor did he want to feel all these things he knew were only right to feel.

He had never been head over heels for her as he had been for you, but she still took a huge place in his life as soon as they met. She made him feel comfortable, understood, cared for. She made him feel like himself again when he thought he had lost himself when he lost you.

She never once questioned what was in the box at the back of his closet he told her not to open. She never questioned why she would sometimes find your stuff or pictures of you around the house when your anniversary, your birthday or any important date for Jungkook came. She never questioned his occasional break down or his bursts of anger for no apparent reason. She sticked by his side and accepted him with his demons, never making him feel guilty for anything.

She really did feel like home. She was his new home once you weren't anymore and it was just natural to still have all these feelings for her or for what she used to represent after everything they went through together, but he didn't want this.

"Soyeon," he let out with a shaky voice after what felt like an eternity. And it made his head hurt to think about the words that were about to leave his mouth, about the way her face would change. The way her world would shatter. He knew how she'd look somehow and it already made him want to stop. "It's over.. We're over."

It felt like clocks had stopped ticking and the world had stopped for some time. Saying this hurt him more than he thought it would. His feelings were still too strong probably.

"I can't do this, I can't keep you in my life if I know that-" he stopped, a lump forming in his throat. She was staring at him in silence, and she looked so fragile. She looked exactly like he expected her to look, but it still hurt like hell to see it before his eyes. "I can't-"

"Okay," she breathed out softly, getting up slowly as if her body was moving without her asking it to. He knew she was falling apart inside, he could read her like an open book, but she still forced a smile on her face. "I hope you find happiness Jungkook, I really do," she managed to let out, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke.

"Soyeon-"

"Don't," she cut him off as she opened the door, avoiding his eyes, "I guess I always knew this would end up like this somehow. Don't make it worse by giving me hope when we both know who your heart has always belonged to, and always will."

He gulped hardly, keeping silent because it seemed like it was what she needed. A second later, the door closed behind her and he was left alone, his feelings seeming like a thunder inside his chest, not calmed at all even after doing what seemed right.

Everything was too much, he felt like there were just too many issues in his life and he couldn't even solve one. It felt too much for just one person to support.

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When Taehyung came home later, he found his best friend lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling absentmindedly. He didn't even ask what happened —he would know sooner or later. He just sat next to Jungkook, handing him a snack.

"Bad day ?" he said quietly, not looking at him.

"Yeah," the younger breathed out, his voice sounding like he was containing his cries. Taehyung glanced at his friend once before turning his eyes back on the wall in front of him. He had caught a glimpse of the pained expression of Jungkook and it made him feel sick suddenly. Helpless.

"It's gonna be alright, yeah ?" he whispered after a few seconds, hopping it was what the other needed to hear. Jungkook nodded a little, his breath getting heavier.

Things were going to be alright. He was almost there.

———
a chapter focused on jungkook and his trauma bc the baby is going through things too :(
i hope his feelings and what is hard for him is clear