Seeing You Seeing Me

Her tears

I had heard some of what she had told me. Not all of it, but I heard most of it.
And I felt when she had intertwined her hand with mine. It had felt soft and warm.
I knew that she was crying. And I knew I couldn't leave her.
So I opened my eyes and let myself see her for the last time.
Her beautiful blue eyes shining, brimmed with tears. And her warm cheeks, like rivers.
Her curly brown hair.
And her sweater.
I didn't want to do this to her. I knew that I was selfish and dumb and such a shitty person for not telling her about my cancer.
But I didn't know what to tell her. Because my body was numb and I could barely think. My headache was pounding and I knew that she was going to be mad.
So when she asked to come next to me on my bed, I wanted nothing more but that.
But as she cried and rubbed her hands through my hair, I realized that I was never going to see her again. I'd never spot her glancing at me in math class, or reading her book under a tree. And I knew that she wasn't just my friend. I loved her more than I had ever loved any other person. She had made me feel more important than everyone ever had in my whole life. And she still cared about me even when she didn't know I had cancer.
So I kissed her.
And I felt her soft lips on mine. I hoped that my cold lips didn't annoy her. But I wanted to stay there forever.
And I told her I loved her. Because she needed to hear it. I had kept so much from her and I needed to her know the most important thing before I could never tell her anything.
And as she cried, I knew that she would be okay. And that she would take care of Riley and Riley would be okay. And so I closed my eyes as she held my hand.
I knew that she would never forgive me, but I knew that I would have the taste of strawberries and peppermint gum on my lips
for a long time.