Evan's POV
I don't really want to tell them. Just thinking about it makes me upset and with them staring at me, I feel nervous. I can't be here.
"Evan ...are you oka-" Jon starts to say but I cut him off
"I told him not to end up like my mom." I say then walk out of the room. I regret saying that to him. I'm such a bad person. I quickly walk into our secret bathroom and sit against the dark blue tile wall. My hands start shaking and I get anxious. Next thing I know, tears are streaming down my face uncontrollably. Not here. Not now. No no no not at school not at school.
"Kill yourself. Just die, you know you want to. It's not like anyone cares." No, no please.
" You've always wanted to commit suicide, why haven't you yet? You know Jonathan is just using you to get popular. No one would love you anyways. That's why your mom killed herself. She just wanted to get rid of you. Worthless piece of s**t." I-I k-know, l-leave m-me a-a-alone.
"GO!" I dont want to die. Not right now. Im scared, I just need help, but dont want it.
"Cut. You know you want to." I'm trying to stop. I promise I am. It's really hard though. I stand up with shaky legs and look at myself in the mirror. ugly as always. I rinse my face with cold water and dry it with the sleeve of my shirt. I need to calm down.
"you need to kill yourself." Shut up and leave me alone d*mmit !! I still have tears streaming down my face. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be a normal 17 year old like my friends? I need to stop being so selfish and go back to class. If I keep skipping classes my grades are gonna drop and i'll fail. Me and the guys are planning to go to the same college. I know most times it doesn't work out like that but we're all equally smart and we think we can make it into the same college. I sigh. I need to go. I have 25 minutes of class left. Knowing my friends, they probably copied down the notes for me. I love them with everything. They told me they want to know when I have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, mood swings, episodes, stuff like that. Listing them really makes me sound crazy, but I'm not. Just depressed and confused. I look in the mirror one more time and walk out. That was a mistake.
A few tears slip down my face as I walk into the classroom door and everyone stares at me. Great. Like I wasn't feeling insecure already. I walk to my seat and sit down. The teacher walks over to me and leans on my desk.
"Where were you?" She asks me
"Bathroom" I say quietly. She gets closer to me and starts whispering
"Attack?" She says as quiet as possible. I nod and she gives me a pitiful smile. She only knows about my panic and anxiety attacks because I've passed out multiple times due to them and she found me. She goes back to teaching and I sigh.
"She doesn't care about you either". Someone taps my shoulder and I look to see who it is and it's Lui. He passes me a paper with class notes.
"Thank you" I whisper
"No problem" He says then smiles. I copy down the rest of the notes and listen as best as possible as class continued.
Class ended soon and I walked to my next class alone.
" No one will care if you die." I walk into my next class and see all the guys sitting there talking. I sit down in my seat and the guys all look at me. S**t.
"Hey Ev" Brock says
"hey.." I say nervously
"If you don't mind us asking...what happened last period?" Brock asks, with a worried expression. They told me to be honest with them. I hesitate then answer.
"Well... um... I uh..." I take a deep breath and try to continue, "I had an anxiety attack in the bathroom because I regret saying what I said to Julian, and... anxiety when I looked in the mirror to wash my face after I was crying for a while.. so I'm a little on edge right now..." I say quietly. It stays silent among the group. They're as speechless as I am. Instead of saying anything, they wrap me in hugs.
"Ahhh, the gayest group in the school." Julian says, walking up behind me. I recognize his voice. The guys let go of me and we all look at Julian.
"Your dad wants to see you later. He's at the station right now." Julian says. Seriously?
"Okay. I'm not gonna go" I say
"I would if I were you" Julian says
"Why do you care?" I ask
"I don't. I'm just letting you know, he told me to tell you that he misses you." Julian says then walks away. He misses me!? What the f**k.
"What are you gonna do?" Brock asks
" I'm not f**king going. F**k that." I say and roll my eyes
" He misses you tho. He might have changed." Tyler says
"He said that last time." I say, cold and quietly
" I don't have the energy to mess with him. He already f**ked up my life. Not again." i say, looking away. They don't care about your stupid past, shut up, dumb piece of s**t.
"oh..." I say, quietly, and out loud. I face the front of my desk and put my hood up.
"What? What's wrong?" Jon asks
They. don't. care. They don't want a stupid depressed friend. Worthless piece of s**t.
"nothing, jon." I say quiet enough for him to hear. Our teacher signals us to walk to lunch and we all get up and leave. Me and the guys walk down the halls together while they talk. I just stay silent. On thursdays, we're allowed to pick what classroom to go in and we sit there until we leave for lunch. We always pick the same class. Julian and his friends go in there too, just to mess with us.
"I'm surprised the makeup stayed on for this long." Marcel says
"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome." Jon says proudly
"Okay Jon. Whatever you say." Luke says, chuckling. Jon punches Luke in the arm and giggles like a 5 year old.
"You laugh like a 6 year old girl!" Luke exclaims. We all laugh and continue walking. We get into the cafeteria, still talking it up, and we sit down. Everyone pulls out their lunch from their bags except for me.
"Where's your lunch, Ev?" Jon asks
" Uh.. I'm not gonna eat today." I say
"Are you sure? I'll donate some food for you" Jon says, and the guys nod.
"Nah. I'm fine." I say. The guys glance at each other and shrug. They continue to eat while I sit here, thinking. Is my dad really back? Does he ACTUALLY miss me? Probably not. I'm not gonna let him trick me again.
"Hey Ev, what are you thinking about?" Brian asks me, getting everyones' attention
"My dad. I shouldn't be though. I shouldn't care as much as I do. I need to get it off my mind..."
"Well, tomorrow we're gonna meet up at the parking lot around the corner at 12 am. We can just hang out there." Ryan says
'"Okay, cool." I say, looking around. I glance past Julian and his friends. I forgot I had to fight him today after school. Dang it. Lunch ends and we head to our next class.
Time Skip
School is over and I meet Julian in the courtyard like he asked.
YOU ARE READING
I'm Hurting (H2OVanoss)/BBS (In Progress)
FanfictionThis story includes self harm, depression, negative thoughts, and violence. Which is basically Evan's life in this. The BBS squad goes to school together and Evan is the second most popular boy at school. But he's not a jerk. He gets bullied by a ki...
