Gods Under The Dome

20.2

《A Different Day, Another Cage》

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Soft lines of light begin to etch a shape before my eyes. As more is added to the collective, the image grows crisper. A square-jaw. Lopsided lips. A mop of greasy blonde hairs obscuring a pair of eyes I had grown to...admire. In them, I can pinpoint exactly where sky and forest meet.

Within seconds, I'm staring at a fully formed rendering of Nol. A recent snapshot, taken during our time in the Facility given the ashen nature of his skin, his sunken cheeks and the myriad of numbers sewn onto the collar of his uniform. Though he looks sullen and bored, his lips are quirked, as though he'd been in on a joke no one else had been privy to.

I could imagine the smell of him from those days, woodsy and clean, and how when I'd caught a whiff of him I'd stiffen and my stomach would bubble. I hadn't understood then why he'd made me feel that way, but I'd been stricken by a case of Tujo-level naivety. I'd liked Nol. Or, at least my body had, erupting into a blaze anytime he got near. Once I'd gotten to know him better...what then? Had I still only liked him physically? I'd like to think I'd come to enjoy his mind and love his spirit, as indifferent as it may have been some days, but I couldn't say with absolute certainty. He'd been taken from me before I could understand the full breadth of all I'd felt for him.

The image of him leaves me breathless. My chest tightens, my heart waging war inside my rib cage. Dr. Aronson was far crueler than I'd given her credit for, but that'd been on me. I should have never underestimated one of the Council's dogs. Hands clenched into fists, I bite down on the inside of my mouth, forcing myself to focus on the pain throbbing in my cheek. If I gave it all my attention, I hoped it would help stave off the tears I felt coalescing in my eyes.

I feel the others' gazes boring into me with laser-like intensity as they gauge my reaction. Were they expecting me to cry? To jump out of my seat in anger and stomp the holo-player to bits until Nol's image disappeared once and for all?

I tense, unfurl my hands and begin to run my nails along my thighs. Should I really be the only one at the center of their curiosity? Shouldn't they be effected too? Nol had been a Liar, and when we'd decided to be cockroaches -- my gaze flits to the twins -- he'd reluctantly become one.

Why was I the only one who felt anything residual from that day? Why was I the only one burdened by the moment in the Inner Chamber? I grit my teeth and tense my jaw. He was one of us, how could they easily discard him and force me to deal with it on my own? Where were they when I needed them? I blink back the tears I feel pushing against my eyelashes. Why wasn't anyone trying to be what I needed them to be?

I swallow back my unasked questions and let silence invade the space between us. I wasn't some entertainment vid for them to gawk at.

Dr. Aronson sits back in her seat, her beady eyes studying my face. "Nol's death has affected everyone in this room." I stifle back a snort. With eyes that bird-like, guess you had to be perceptive. Either that, or I hadn't been as collected as I'd thought.

I bring my hands together, giving her a single, slow clap. "Must have a doctorate in mind-reading, Aronson."

She quirks a pencil-thin eyebrow. "Not really," the corner of her lips swing upward. "I'm just aware of how selfish you are. And how capable a liar you've become." She leans forward. "To think you're the only one here to feel that loss," she tosses back her head. "How truly childish."

The others' gazes dart from one another. Aronson had never reprimanded me in our sessions before. Guess she really had gotten fed up with my shit. I shuffle my feet along the floor. "Whatever narrative you've constructed for yourself does not give you a right to lash out at your companions." She sniffs. "Allison."