3000 Stars

Losing

Yoongi broke the top five hundred three weeks before Taehyung did. By the time Taehyung was well-established at 455, he had made it to rank 367. Taehyung didn't know what to do. He couldn't keep refusing to speak to the therapist. He had to get somewhere before everything came crashing down around his ears, but it felt more and more like he was moving through syrup. His rank rose to 450, then began to plummet. 455... 457...499... Taehyung fought as hard as he could, but the losses were piling up.

Why did he bother? He might as well tell Yoongi and get it over with. He hated turning on his phone and seeing Yoongi's rank rising. He hated lying to his parents and sneaking out to the arena. Maybe it just wasn't for him. Maybe the universe wanted him to give up and he needed to stop struggling. Settle for something else. It didn't matter what he wanted anymore, did it?

He hated himself for thinking like that. Once upon a time, he would have dragged Seokjin around the corner to the sweet shop or into a duel for saying the same things. But he was beginning to realize just how little of Seokjin he had ever understood. It was painful to admit, but Seokjin was a mystery to him. He didn't know why Seokjin had chosen to die that night, and he would never know.

The same way he didn't know why Yoongi was still going out of his way to see him.

Taehyung crouched under the stairs, hidden behind a garbage can, hands pressed to his eyes. The tears were back. He didn't know why he was so weepy all of a sudden. Right when he needed to pull himself together, too. Why was he so torn up about this? Why did victory and defeat both feel so terrible?

"Down here this time? You're getting good at finding hiding places," Yoongi said, crawling into the space to sit next to him. Taehyung considered pushing him away, but that meant revealing his eyes, and he didn't want Yoongi to see that he was crying. Besides, something about having Yoongi's shoulder pressed against his reminded him of Seokjin, and that meant he was too busy battling sobs to think about how close they were sitting.

"Do you need a nurse?" Yoongi asked, gentling tugging at one of Taehyung's wrists.

Taehyung shook his head, leaning back against the wall and crunching himself into as small a ball as possible. Words fought in his throat but never made it out of his mouth, swallowed by the sobs that finally escaped. Yoongi bumped Taehyung's knee with his, sighed, and pulled one of Taehyung's hands away.

"Did something happen?"

Taehyung shook his head, choking out a laugh. "I'm just a shxtty person," he said, his voice strained.

"Is that so," Yoongi said. "Well, I'm a shxtty person, too. Mind if I hang out here?"

Taehyung really did laugh that time, burying his head in his knees. "Do whatever you want," he choked. "Fxcking idiot."

"Course I am," Yoongi said. "I fell in love with you, didn't I?"