In the Shadow of His Wings

Chapter 37

The next morning. It was just past 8 AM, the sun was starting to rise. Now that winter was coming to an end, it was getting light out earlier.

I had gotten out of the car already and I was standing at the frozen lake, thinking about everything I had screwed up. I wasn't sure if (Y/N) would ever be able to love me after what happened last night. It could all have been so perfect, we could've fallen asleep together after that unforgettable performance she had made for me... but then my damned suicidal thoughts had kicked in, along with my egoism. I really needed to learn to think before I act. Her words kept running through my mind: Do you ever think about the others and not just about yourself?

She had managed to free herself from my grip during the night and then slept on the driver's seat, curled up into a ball. This showed just how I had turned her love for me into hate. Did she still want to run away with me now? Probably not. It was best if I just brought her back to her family, where she belonged, and then tried to forget her and get around on my own. It had been a bad idea in the first place to drag her into this. She deserved to spend her life in Germany – or whatever it would become after the war –, finish her education, get a good job, and... perhaps meet someone else. Someone she didn't have to be afraid of, someone her age, someone who cared for her and made her feel safe.

Being rejected like that hurt. A lot. But it was all my fault.

– You –

You woke up to some first rays of sunlight hitting your face. Your head was leaning against the cold car window, you were snuggled up on the leather seat under your white coat as a blanket substitute. You remembered why you were sleeping here. Because Josef... had tried to kill you last night. And you had been so mad at him that you hadn't wanted to sleep on top of him.

Yes, you were still very shocked and disappointed in him for that. But did you forgive him? Yes. Because you couldn't help but love him, still. Now that you had recovered from the first shock, you could actually understand him and even felt sorry for him. He had been having suicidal thoughts? God... you never knew about that. And now that you thought about it... what would have been worse? Him killing only himself and leaving you behind, or him ending both of your lives?

Of course you didn't want either to happen. But you understood now that there was no evil intent behind this action. It was just a... sudden blaze of depression from his side. Thank God you had woken up in time.

One thing was for sure though: You had to talk to him. To clear all of this up.

You turned away from the window to face the passenger seat. However... it was empty. Josef was gone.

You started to panic as a horrible suspicion crept into your mind. Had he... committed suicide? Because you had taken every will to live from him by freaking out like that last night? Oh God, where was he? Please, dear God... let him be alright...

At that moment you looked out the front window and saw him standing by the lake. You breathed a sigh of relief. Danke.

He looked very pensive. He was obviously blaming himself a lot, you could see that. Now was the right time to talk to him.

You carefully opened the driver's door and slipped out of the seat, your boots hitting the thick, cold snow on the ground. You shivered at the crisp morning air, wrapping your arms around yourself. Since it was very quiet around here, Josef immediately heard the sound of you closing the car door. He turned around, looking up at you standing beside the car on top of the small slope.

Although being watched like that made you really nervous, you started to make your way towards him, keeping your head down so you didn't have to look into his eyes. You just couldn't because you were kind of ashamed for that meltdown last night.

You slowly walked down the slope, step by step, until you finally stood in front of him. You stared at the Iron Cross on his uniform, still avoiding his face.

"You're here," you heard him say. "Look at me."

You slowly raised your head until your eyes met his. Suddenly you felt so small, your heart started to beat faster. He gave you a small, sad smile. "Can I touch you?"

"Yes."

He reached out his hand to cup your face, gently running his thumb over your cheek. Just like in that very first night... You leaned into his touch, enjoying the connection you felt. His eyes looked sad, genuinely sad. Another emotion you had never really seen him express.

He took a deep breath. "Listen... I can't even tell you how sorry I am for what happened last night. I was completely out of my mind. It was a big mistake to get you involved in all of this... Have you heard what I whispered to you before I–..." He didn't finish the sentence. Instead he looked down in shame and paused, then continued: "I meant every word. I love you, (Y/N). Nobody is more important to me than you right now. You probably can't trust me anymore, and I understand. If you want, I can just drive you home and you'll never have to see me again."

"Josef..." You took a step towards him and put your hands on his arms. "I... I forgive you. I love you just as much and I want to stay with you. We can just forget that incident and move on, okay? But... why did you think about suicide? Why did you never tell me about your feelings?"

He sighed. "I... I don't know. I just thought that it didn't make sense to keep on living. I mean, we will never be safe, no matter where we go. I'm convinced that they will find us sooner or later. And as long as you stick with me, you're in danger too... that's why I wanted to take you with me. I never told you because I didn't think I would actually do it, but last night it just hit me all of a sudden, I don't know... I can't believe you can forgive me."

You moved even closer to him, until you could pull him into a hug. He hugged you back, resting his chin on your head. "I will always forgive you, Josef. Because I love you. And I will never leave you," you spoke.

He stroked over your back. "...I'm glad. I thought I had lost you forever. We will drive to Berlin and I will make every wish of yours come true, I promise."

After a while he pulled away, moving his hands to your head and stroking your hair while looking straight into your eyes with a small smile on his face. He seemed to think about something. You wondered what it was. And you would find out soon enough.

Suddenly his dark eyes sparked up, as if he had just made a decision. He took your hand into his. "Will you step on the ice with me one more time?"

You nodded and he led you to the edge of the lake, then set foot on the frozen surface. You followed him and you made your way across the lake hand in hand, until Josef eventually stopped as you had reached about the middle.

He turned to you, putting his hands on your shoulders. You looked up at him, wondering what he had in mind.

"Listen, Liebes... there's another thing I wanted to tell you," he started. "First of all, I know we have only known each other for almost two months now. And that there is a 15-year age gap in between us. But... I don't care. In case the Reds find and kill us, or at least me, I want to have done this beforehand."

Your heart made several somersaults in your chest as you watched him sink to his knees. Your mouth fell open, you covered it with your hand. This can't be happening... this must be a dream...

He took your right hand, the one with the ring on it. "I know, I said this ring didn't have to have a meaning, but..." He swallowed hard, then looked up at you. "(Y/N)... will you marry me?"

You didn't hesitate with your answer. "Yes! Yes, I do!" you exclaimed.

Pure happiness spread out from your heart all over your whole chest as you fell to your knees to pull him into a tight hug. Your eyes filled up with tears of joy. You had never been so serious when saying the word "yes". This was the man you loved, the one you wanted to spend your life with. You were absolutely sure. This time it was the right time and the right place.