In the Shadow of His Wings

Chapter 27

WARNING: This chapter could be triggering to some readers. It is based on my own experiences with anxiety attacks.

Later that evening. You and Josef were back in Groß-Rosen, you had already changed into your nightclothes and were lying in bed together. You were lying on your back, Josef next to you on his side. The room was dark and silent, you tried to fall asleep. But somehow... it didn't work. Something was odd. You had a strange feeling, kind of... anxious. And that was all you could concentrate on. It gave you no rest.

You had a premonition. It would happen again. No! Why here, why now!?

You tried to ignore the feeling as hard as you could, but to no avail. It didn't subside, quite the opposite. Fear arose inside of you, you didn't even know why. It was probably just because of the fact that you had no control over this... and you were all alone with your fear. You were afraid of being afraid. Is Josef still awake? you wondered. Would he help me if I told him?

It got worse and worse by the minute. Your heart started to beat faster, a lump formed in your throat and you started feeling hotter. Even though it was winter. Your body was totally frozen, you could only lie there stone-still as you felt your anxiety taking over. It crept up on you in pressure form, putting pressure everywhere: Your heart, making it feel heavy, your stomach, your head, your throat. It felt awful. And you knew you couldn't do anything against it. You could only... wait it out, until it was over.

Your breathing was now speeding up as your throat got tighter. It felt overwhelming, frightening. Your heart responded with speeding up its beat as well. All of the symptoms were reinforcing each other. Somehow you didn't have the willpower to get through this alone. Tell him... he's a doctor...

"Josef...?" you brought out through your closed-up throat.

He could immediately tell from your voice that something was wrong. "Ja?" he responded in a puzzled tone, raising his head.

"I... I feel weird."

He was alarmed right away. He sat up to turn on the nightlight, then looked back at you. You could only stare into his dark eyes filled with worry, unable to move with that overwhelming feeling raging on inside your chest.

"What's wrong?" he asked, putting his hand on your shoulder. He seemed to notice how fast your heart was beating and how hot your skin was. His eyes widened in shock.

"Panic attack," you panted out.

"Oh dear." He laid down sideways close to you and put his hand on your forehead. Your throat was feeling tighter and tighter, cutting off your breathing. You started gasping for air, it was a horrible feeling. As if you would suffocate any minute.

"Liebes, please... breathe..."

"I can't!"

It just became too much for you. You jumped up from the bed, curling up into a ball and trying to catch your breath somehow. Your chest felt like it was on fire, your racing heart actually made it hurt. Your head was spinning from the fast movement as you had sat up.

Josef sat up as well, putting his arm around your shaking body. "I... I know how you feel... just... try to breathe..."

"Josef! I can't! I can't breathe!" you exclaimed, followed by a quiet plea: "B-Bitte... hilf mir..."

He sighed, then pulled you close to him and put his hand on your heart. "Shh... you can breathe... take a deep breath and hold it."

"Don't... don't touch me..." you said, your voice hoarse from the lack of breath.