In the Shadow of His Wings

Chapter 31

– Esther –

I can't believe my eyes as I stare up at the person in front of me. The selector... is my friend. (Y/N). She's alive. But as I see her standing there, I'm almost sure I would rather have seen her dead. She's wearing one of those disgusting uniforms, an official Nazi uniform, and even a lab coat. And next to her is the Angel of Death himself. Doctor Mengele.

This exceeds my worst nightmares. So she has... passed to the other side. The enemy side. Actually her righteous side, since I know she's German and only a misunderstanding brought her to Auschwitz. Can I even consider her my friend anymore?

She just stares at me. I stare back. I have no words. This girl in front of me is not the good friend I once knew. I can tell she has changed, from her appearance alone. But... on the other hand, I can't really imagine her having turned into a Nazi. What if... that Satan in white next to her forced her to do it or something? After all, he already raped her. And she certainly doesn't look like she's having fun deciding between life and death. But still, I can't banish this anger and bitter disappointment I have inside of me. She has betrayed me.

"Is there a problem?" I hear Mengele ask.

(Y/N) shoots a glance at him, then looks back at me. Her mouth is slightly open, as if she wants to say something. Send me to the gas chamber if you like. I don't care, I have nothing to lose.

After some more seconds, she finally speaks up. "W-Wie alt?" she asks me timidly.

Oh dear. I laugh on the inside. She's claiming to have hesitated because she's not sure about my age... Pathetic. That's basically a denial of any acquaintanceship between us. The anger inside of me gains dominance over the disappointment. I stand there confidently, not scared of anything anymore, and look straight into her face as I answer truthfully: "Neunzehn."

She takes a deep breath, then looks down and flicks her hand to the right. She has learned well from her superior. The gesture is exactly the same, she's just not... careless enough while doing it. Well, at least he hasn't managed to deprive her of her compassion yet. All is not lost, I guess.

I walk to the right to join the line of the living, passing by Mengele in the process. He gives me a puzzled look, possibly recognizing me from that one time I danced for him. The way he's standing there... in his SS uniform and his labcoat, with those perfectly polished riding boots and that serious, detached expression on his face... The sight of that man never fails to make me angry. Especially now that he has even managed to take my best friend away from me.

But on top of all of my feelings is pity, deep pity. Yes, I pity all of those SS officers who prance around in their uniforms and think they are higher than all the others. Soon the war will be over and they will forever have to live with the things they have done, while all of us prisoners will be free. I just need to survive a little longer...

– You –

While you selected the rest of the prisoners, all you could think of was Esther. She was obviously mad at you... and you could totally understand. What were you doing here? You were helping the enemy, the people she and you had feared so much all the time. Suddenly you felt really embarrassed for standing there in that uniform and labcoat. What kind of impression must that have been on Esther? She probably thought you were supporting the Nazis now, and even though you were not at all convinced of their ideology... you basically did.

You carried out the rest of the selection in a trance, trying to make yourself "feel better" by telling yourself that they would probably all die eventually and you were simply either delaying or speeding up the process. God, you sound like a Nazi... Is that your excuse in case you get captured and examined?

After the long queue had finally dissolved and the prisoners were all in their assigned lines, you turned to your left to look at Josef. His face was emotionless, his eyes cold. Completely unaffected by the whole process. "Well done," he said. "You can go back to our quarters now. The door is open, I didn't lock it. Just go to bed, don't wait for me, I've got some work left to do here."

You nodded and turned away. However, you did not have the intention to follow his order yet. You knew you had to talk to Esther and clear all of this up – right now. So you made your way over to the right line. The prisoners all looked the same – striped suits and only very little re-grown hair. But you still managed to find Esther by orienting yourself on the people around her, who you had memorized. You took a deep breath, then tapped her shoulder. She turned around and her cold blue eyes locked with yours.

"Esther?" you started. "Look, I... I know what you're probably thinking, but... can we talk?"

She raised her brows. "I'm actually asked what I want to do here? Sure, if your new Nazi friends won't scold you for talking to a Jew."

Yes... it was just like you thought. You took her out of the line, however you did have kind of a bad feeling about it. Maybe you would get her in trouble and they would think she snuck out of there or something... After all, you had experienced first-hand where this led to.

You led her behind a building, where – hopefully – nobody would see you. As you stood face to face, she crossed her arms and kept that cold look on her face. "So? I'm listening."

You took another deep breath before you started speaking. "Look, Esther, I... I know what you're thinking, but you've got the wrong idea. I am not one of them."

"Oh really? Then why are you dressed like one of them? I mean, look at you, (Y/N). Just look at yourself. Didn't we both hate the people who wore such uniforms? And even white coats over them? How come even? You're not a doctor. Or are you? Judging from the fact that you seem to be Dr. Mengele's subordinate now–"

"I'm not, I-I did not want this, Esther." You decided that you should probably tell her the truth. "Look, I have to tell you something. I've always kind of found Mengele... attractive... and he seemed to be fond of me too. That one night I didn't come back to the barracks and later told you he raped me, he actually took me out to a restaurant for dinner and we spent the night together. I did it voluntarily. And then... after he found me half-dead after that incident at Krupp... he decided to not let me go back anymore. That's why I disappeared so suddenly. I'm sorry–"

"What?" She looked at you with wide eyes full of disbelief. "This whole thing just keeps on getting better! You're trying to tell me you're in a relationship with Dr. Mengele? And you lied to me, your best friend? I can't even express how disappointed in you I am."

"Yes, Esther, I'm really sorry... but... You see, he makes me feel very safe and loved. And he saved my life three times. I'm so grateful to him for that. I... love him, I really do. If you know him better, he's not the way he appears on the outside. As my friend, you have to understand that."

"I have to understand that? Do you– hey, do you remember what he did to you and so many others? Do you remember that woman in our barrack who had to kill her own baby with morphine because Mengele wouldn't let her breastfeed it so he could conduct one of his 'experiments'? (Y/N), that man is evil. Pure evil. He's not even capable of love. Speaking of his experiments, what even happened to your eye? It doesn't look sore anymore."

"That's what I'm talking about. He cured the inflammation he caused. He saved me, Esther. Without him I wouldn't be standing here. And also, you see, in the position of his assistant and on the side of the Nazis I have a certain power... I could ask him to... spare you or something. Please forgive me."

She had her head tilted and seemed to think about it. There was silence for some time. "You know... I thought you were dead. I'm actually glad that I found you again, but your transformation shocks me. I'm still very disappointed in you. But if Mengele is really the reason you survived..." She sighed. "Just let me sleep on it. But now you'd better bring me back if you don't want both of us to get in deep trouble."