FALLING AROUND YOU ➵ DANIEL SEAVEY ➵ SEQUEL

17 ➵ If By Chance

 "If by chance, you could be with Daniel, would you?" she repeated the question.

My answer was clear as the tears started mounting off my face. I couldn't hate Daniel – I just hated how much he hurt me, yet I was still flouncing around for love. "I would," I whispered almost unsure, but once the words came off my lips, it felt right.

It wasn't foreign or filled with confusion – it was the truth.

"You knew that it would always be Daniel. How did you know?"

She smiled, "He was your first love. You've look at him as though he was the one that hung the moon in the sky – you've always looked at him that way."

"Trista, sometimes it feels like there is an undeniable force pulling us together, but then other times it's questionable and malleable – as though the world is pulling us apart. How would I know where I stand?" I told her seemingly lost.

"Love is tricky in that sense," she started, "Sienna, you just need to find the truth that's hidden in different circumstances, but you'll know when it comes down the person you're in love with."

"I think I lost the best thing I've ever had," I admitted. My mind was reeling as I suddenly felt the weight of the whole situation shift onto my shoulders. I've felt so lost for so long, but it wasn't because I lost him. It was because I lost myself when I was looking for him. 

"You're suppose to end things with someone because you're not in love with them," she spoke, "not because you're completely in love with them."

I looked away, "We tried so hard, Trista. I wanted it to work so badly, but it just didn't," my voice cracked. "I just don't know what to do anymore." 

She held my hand for a moment. Her palm was worm and soft against my tense one. Brushing the tear off my cheek, her silence was her best answer. Her comfort was her finest support. I knew that pushing and pushing for something to happen would strain it even more. I knew that if I lost myself for someone else, then that would be the most foolish sacrifice. 

I slowly rested my head on her shoulder as uncontrollable sobs filled the air. "Give it time, my love. You don't need to solve all the problems right now. Take it step by step. You already know where your feelings stand with him, and right now, that's the best thing you can do."

And, I knew she was right. 

–

I watched the view for a long time. Trista was already in bed as the clock struck midnight hours before, but my head was still in a chaotic conundrum. It was freshly five in the morning, and I knew the sun would be up soon. I didn't want to look at my phone or even read, but my heart just wanted to stare out the window into the fading darkness. The city would wake up soon and I just wanted a front row view to watch. 

I wanted to call. I wanted to text him and tell him I still care. I wanted so deeply to spill my disrupting thoughts at the blue eyed boy, yet I knew it wasn't the time. Those things are too intimate to say in person – too intimate to say at all. Slowly, I pulled out a sheet of paper playfully colored light pink as it was one of Rose's drawing sheets. I scribbled on the address before writing the letter. I knew I was too sheepish to say these things out loud, but I knew it would be such a waste to never say it at all. 

He had a right to know how I'm feeling. It's about him after all. 

Dear those blue eyes, 

My feelings were dormant when I went to London all that time ago, but they suddenly bloomed when we reconnected. The machinery of fate brought us back together, but at what cost? My career? My sanity? I wasn't sure. I wanted to hate you for what you did. I wanted to burn our photos and feel pride when doing so, but I couldn't even bare the thought. You don't deserve my hatred because I understand now it was a way of coping. 

I did that too. I wrote and wrote until my fingers became numb and pages were filled. 

What's worse than us parting are the delusions you left behind. I still end up checking for messages, calls, anything as a reminder you still care. You leave my questions unanswered as no closure was given. The sad part is that I'd still wait for the silence. I would still wait for no answer or no goodbye. 

I just don't know if I can keep chasing something that keeps disappointing me. I never told you this, but when I was pining after you, I felt suffocated. It was like I was in a looping spiral of infinite regress. There was no ending or no solution. Just endless suffocation. I don't know if I could do that again, but I know it would be worth it. 

I'm still in love with you, and I think you love me. 

We have a terrible way of showing it, but it's true. I just think we're in completely different parts of our lives to showcase it. You were my first love. You were the person that proved me wrong; you proved to me that love wasn't a fear or a tragedy, but it's a gift. You proved to me that I can be loved, and I can fall in love. I've said this before, but I do wish we ended differently. However, maybe this isn't the end. Maybe, we are just left unfinished. 

I regret a lot I said to you that night, and I hope you do too. We never even said goodbye, and you always say goodbye to people that you want to see again. I want to see you again, but not now. I want it to be someday where there's nothing standing between us. It will just be you and me.That's our ending. 

Goodbye, Daniel. 

- the girl who's heart still belongs to you

_ 

i lost someone this month. we weren't very close, but they were still a part of my life for while. i've never encountered death until now, and it only makes me more grateful for the people around me. please, tell people you care for them. tell them you think about them. tell them you're thankful they had a part in your life even if they aren't in it right now. i'm thankful for my readers, so thank you for letting me share my passion. thank you for your patience. thank you for letting me put my emotions into words.