FALLING AROUND YOU ➵ DANIEL SEAVEY ➵ SEQUEL

17 ➵ If By Chance

"It seems like there will always be a part of me that I'll lose no matter what choice I make. I could have everything, but would it mean anything? If by chance I was a braver, would I still be lost? You only say goodbye when you want to see them again. We never did."
—

"Do you miss him?"

"I don't know," I told her honestly, "I'm use to being hurt, but like this. Not when it deals with my career. He didn't just play with my feelings, he played with my future."

I felt like I lost everything because of him. I lost my career, my sanity, and we lost each other in the process. I think we became so overwhelmed with trying to be together that instead we just tore each other apart. Our attempts to be together were so disappointing, seeming almost insurmountable. 

"If you love someone, you let them go. If they come back to you, they're yours. He let you go because he really loved you when you left for London. You came back to him, and he became yours again, but you couldn't be his."

"What are you saying?" I tried processing her words.

"I'm saying that Daniel needed to cope too. You have your writing, and he has his music. Losing someone you still love is bad enough, but losing them over and over again is just exhausting." She sighed, "Inspiration spirals when intense feelings submerge. I'm not saying you have to blame yourself, but I don't think you should blame him."

I was always in a spiral when it came to Daniel. It looped around and never ended, but this time it was closing in on me. The spiral was shrinking. My sanity felt trapped, suffocated. The spiral was getting smaller and smaller the longer I tried dealing with our helpless emotions. The tighter it got, the more trapped I felt.  

I suddenly thought how could I heal from my wounds when I'm still picking on the scabs? I hated him; I tried to at least. I loathed him. Losing him this time was different. I didn't feel sorrow or guilt, but I felt humiliation.

"We hurt each other so many times, but he's still the person I want," I told her truthfully, "how cruel is that?"

I could tell that motherhood has changed her perspective on things dramatically. Trista has become a new flower – more wise and more understanding of the world. She grew a patience for things that I could only dream to possess. She knew everything that happened between Daniel and I; she knew how both of us think.

"Do you miss him?" she repeated her question.

I had a slight hesitation, but we both knew the answer. "I know I shouldn't. He was the reason my career was tarnished, and now I'm labeled as a heartless monster that broke his heart." I stood up from the couch gazing out the window. Their apartment hasn't changed a bit from the last time I was here besides a couple of toys scattered on the floor. Still, their home had an incredible view that easily took my breathe away.

There was something about this city. It just glowed wanting attention from the whole world. I've only been staying with Trista for the past two weeks. This view of busy scenery outside was nothing new to me, but it would still never get old.

"It's not fair, though." I told her. "At some point, I know I broke Daniel's heart too. It seems like I have everything I've ever wanted when we're not together; I had our steady career and good reputation with the media, yet there's still a whole left for him to fill. Then, when we're together, everything is so chaotic, but I would have him."

"He makes you feel things," Trista said gently. "It's powerful emotions, Sienna. They're motorized by love. You and I both know you didn't feel anything as stark as when you're with him. You didn't feel it Charlie even though we both know you really tried to. You only felt it with him."