The One You Once Were

Choices

"You've given me six months already, I've had long enough to think about it!", Kilian told me upset. Ellie had just been here and her growing baby bum seemed to be a reminder to her father of how fast time was passing.
"Believe me, it hasn't!", I denied. My plan had originally been to wait until the baby was born and see if he still wanted to turn after seeing the miracle of life. But he was really pressing me on this, bringing it up at every possible occasion and it was starting to weigh on my nerves.
"Okay, then take me with you to see a newbie and see what I say.", he dared me.
"Your daughter is seven and a half months pregnant, I won't take her father to see a vamp that could easily tear him to shreds. I cannot guarantee your safety, Kilian! Newbies are way stronger than when they've adjusted to their lifestyle. They have not yet learnt to control their hunger. You could die. And then what? What am I supposed to tell your children?", I couldn't believe what I was hearing from him. I'd told him about the dangers a million times, why wouldn't he just listen to me?! Was is that hard?
"I have magic, I'll be fine.", he reminded me. While that did add to reducing certain risks, vampires were still extraordinarily fast. "Come on, Caroline! Please, do this for me. Trust me."
"Why are you so god damn persistent on this matter?", I asked, slightly mad he didn't consider my issues with all this.
"Because I could die soon. You never know.", he told me, his lips trembling in fear of the possible event.
"Then spend as much time with your children as you can! Make sure you live to the fullest! And especially avoid situations that have a high chance of injuring you, for instance, being near a newly turned vampire!"
It seemed so blatantly obvious to me that it was a bad idea but Kilian just shook his head. How ignorant could you be?!
"Take me with you."
I sighed annoyed. "Fine! But if something happens, the blame's on you!"
He smiled victoriously which upset me a little more. "I'm okay with that. So, when and where?"
"Tomorrow night. I'll find a newbie and you wait at a safe location out of town. We're then going to meet you there. But be on your guard!", I ordered. I really had a very bad feeling about all this. The only thing I could do now, was hope for me to be wrong.

It took a while to find a newly turned vampire in the area. Since I'd send every vamp unable to control themselves away, not many were turned by accident. Those who did come by, were just passing, needing to feed on the town's people before continuing their killing spree. I was quite relieved to find a girl that was very open to listening to my advice. Maybe, I had been wrong and this wouldn't go as badly as I thought.
I led her to Kilian, explaining on the way that this was a test to see how good she could handle herself around humans. She seemed to brace herself when we arrived, smelling his scent. I was sure she too could hear his blood pumping through his veins and I didn't take my eyes off her for a second. It appeared she was able to handle it, standing quietly next to me while Kilian asked her a few questions.
"How long ago did you turn?", he wanted to know and she held up five fingers for five days.
"Did you turn by choice?", Kilian asked further. The girl only shook her head in denial, a grim light laying itself upon her face recalling the incident.
"And how are you handling it?"
She tucked her nails into her hand, her eyes twitching from me to him and back. It looked like she was grasping the situation, thinking of how to answer but when I saw her nostrils taking in Kilian's scent, I knew it was for a different reason.
"Was that the wrong question?", Kilian asked, a bit flustered.
Then, everything happened super fast. The girl dashed out to Kilian, my hands reached out to hold her back. She struggled, her fangs out and veins pulsating. If I let her go for only one second, Kilian would be killed. She was stronger than me and I could feel her slip from my grasp. By instinct, I grabbed the clostest sharp object I could find and rammed it into her chest. Immediately, she stopped trying to break free. Just then did I notice what I had stabbed her with. It was a thick branch, obviously made of wood. I had killed her. Simple as that, she was dead.
Kilian had turned pale and was breathing heavily.
"You killed her!", he spoke in denial and looked at her face which by now had turned grey. "Wood kills vampires?"
"Obviously yes.", I answered, my heart almost beating out my chest. "She was going to kill you though. I had to."
He shook his head, not understanding why she bashed out. "She seemed so collected and so together. How could she just lose it?"
"The blood, Kilian. The hunger makes you do things if you can't control it. You can learn it eventually but it's effort and always dangerous."
I'd known something bad would happen! Why did I think this could maybe work? I should have just listened to my gut! God, imagine if I hadn't reacted in time. The kids would have never forgiven me.
"We're never doing this again.", I decided.
"But you could teach me how to control the urges, right?"
Why was Kilian still persistent on this? He had seen what could happen!
"I won't turn you, Kilian. To turn, you'd have to die first. So no, I will not."

We didn't speak of this when we arrived back home. The kids were still asleep so none noticed we even had been gone in the first place.
Kilian was still visibly upset at my claim to not fulfill his request but after what had happened, there was no possible way I could do that to his children. It would unnecessarily endanger them and that was a responsibility I didn't want to carry.
If I could just push him another one and a half months until his daughter gave birth, I was so sure that he would finally let off his insane plan.
Every day he asked me again if I had changed my mind and every day I had to decline. Ellie started spending more time with us again, wanting to feel closer to her mother while in her own growing motherhood. I kind of turned into her caregiver, jumping at every wish of hers. I just wanted everything to go well and her to be happy.
And then, the day came when she went into labour and I got a very heartfelt déja-vu. She was lying on the very spot her mother had all those years ago, Eric and Kilian and her side, holding her hand. It was like a repetitive cycle, new family members born, others gone too soon. My heart opened the exact same way when Ellie let me hold the little one, a boy this time. The new one I would serve as a guardian and tell stories to.
And even though, I loved that thought, I couldn't help but wonder to what end? Quickly, I pushed that out my mind again. That really shouldn't be my main trail of thoughts in this moment.
Way more important to me was Kilian's reaction when I gave him his first grandchild. His eyes were filled with tears and I was certain he was also reminded of the time Heather had given life to their children.
"He's beautiful.", he sobbed a bit and Ellie smiled exhausted.
"He really is. He's perfect ", she said, overwhelmed by her newborn.
"Everything we could have asked for.", Eric agreed happily.
Oh, this truly was everything. The family I had grown to love standing around me, flourishing with each member.
"He looks just like you.", Ellie's father was now completely in tears. "Your mother would have been so proud."
Ellie gave him a big smile. "I know she would have. She's watching from the other side right now, she is with us in our hearts."
Kilian looked down to her, his thoughts clearly racing. Then he turned to me and I immediately knew that my hunch had been right. He didn't want to turn anymore. He wanted to enjoy the time he still had with his family and then join his wife in the afterlife, truly proud of the life he had lived.
And yet, though I had already known it would come this way, a realization struck me for the very first time.
Kilian would die. Not soon but eventually, he'd pass. I would form a bond with Ellie's children and then, slowly, one after the other, Ellie and her siblings would leave this world. They would pass their legacies onto the next generation that I again would care for and would have to mourn. I would have to watch all my loved ones die, knowing of everything they gave me. And I'd have a front row seat. I lived in their house, ate with them, saw them every day. I watched them grow, get sick, get better and then again, watch them get worse once more. It had been torture to go through it with Heather. Did I really have to do it over and over again?
My thoughts seemed to spiral around this while I was watching the happy family with their newest member. My love for all of them was undoubtedly endless. However, exactly because it was, I did not even want to imagine what being there to lose all of them would feel like.
If I already considered all this, then was it really the wisest choice to stay another few decades? It seemed wiser to come visit from time to time to not lose touch with all of them. After all, I did want to be involved in all of their lifes, just not watch this cycle of death repeat itself.
But was I right to leave? They had supported me, no matter what and I now was the guardian of Ellie's son.
I had responsibilities to uphold and to just leave would go against those.
God, these choices were giving me headaches. This was super difficult to decide in only a day. I would have to consider everything carefully, yet without the family noticing. Would they be mad if they found out? I had no clue. But I did have to make a choice. Otherwise, I'd be too conflicted to function.

Hey you all!
I know it's not Monday but since I update to irregularly, does it really matter at this point?
So, even though I have a lot to do, I'll try to keep the updates coming.
Hope you enjoyed this one. Love y'all, see you next time.