I'm Hurting (H2OVanoss)/BBS (In Progress)

Don't Judge Me

"Now that I think about it, you do seem to zone out a lot." Ryan points out, eating a bag of chips and also looking at Jon.

The room goes silent for a moment as Jonathan hesitates on a response. The tension is real.

"It's none of your business. Luke T or D?" Jonathan changes the subject quickly, attempting to move on.

"Hold on, what?! If it's anybody's business, then it's definitely ours! What's up with the secrecy? You think we're gonna snitch or something?" Craig speaks up, folding his arms.

Jon laughs, "Why are you guys so interested in me?" He smiles.

"Dude, just cough it up. It's not even a big deal." Lui tells him. I wonder why he's hiding it from us though. Usually we don't think twice about saying something on our minds. Usually.

"If it's not a big deal then it shouldn't concern you so much." Jon says calmly, disregarding our suspicions.

"Will you tell me?" I ask him innocently. He looks at me with a smile and shakes his head. I pout annoyingly and he turns away.

"Luke?" Jon states, getting Luke's attention again. Well, dang. Now we have to try to figure out who he likes.

"Dare, kid" Luke challenges with a daring look on his face.

"I dare you to cut a piece of clothing" Jonathan dares. I yawn, shutting my eyes for a second before opening them again. Usually we stay up all night, but I've been so drained lately. I wonder if something is wrong with me.

"Pshh easy. Evan, do you have scissors up here?" Luke asks me while standing up and looking through my drawers. My brain wakes up, watching Luke go through my stuff.

"Um...yeah, maybe. Wait, wait-" I panic as my eyes jolt open and I sit up, now sitting in the edge of my bed.

"Evan?" Luke slowly turns around, looking at me curiously with a hint of concern.

No, Luke. You didn't... you didn't find anything. This isn't happening. It's not.

"What? What is it?" Brock asks, clearly confused. He looks across at Luke, glancing between me and him as well as the others.

"Evan," He cautiously chuckles, "This isn't what I think it is right? It's a joke right? It just looks bad, but it isn't. Right? I'm trippin'?" Luke nervously smiles, eyes widened.

All I can do is shakily stare back, feeling the tension scratch at me.

My anxiety is shooting out of the roof. Their stares and this feeling of being caught red handed... this guilt.

It hurts, but I... I need to calm down. If I don't calm down, things will get worse than this current situation.

I take a deep breath, trying to slow my heart down but I feel like I'm losing my breath as the seconds pass. I can't take this much pressure. I'll crack. I'll crack under pressure.

"It's n-not that serious." I mutter, my nerves slowly getting the best of me. I stuttered, f*ck.

Luke slowly turns back around and reaches into the drawer once more. I start to panic, glancing at the door. Should I book it? If I leave, I won't have to face the confrontation. Sounds like a somewhat safe plan. I try to move, but my body stays still. My legs won't budge and my hands can't do anything but slightly shake. Is this... an attack? Right now?

I feel something slowly touch me. It takes me a second to identify where I'm being touched, but it's my hand. I shift my vision over to the direction where I was softly grabbed. It's Jonathan who grabbed my hand. I look at our hands securely intertwined, then glance at his face. He gives me a comforting smile, mentally telling me it'll be fine. Telling me that I need to stop freaking out. I look away and attempt another deep breath, this one going smoother than the first try. It feels good to breathe, even if it's only a little bit.

I look back at Luke worriedly. He pulls out a knife, a notebook, and a bottle of pills. It's happening. The scenario I've worried about for months now is finally happening, and I'm unprepared.

"I'm confused... what's happening?" Ryan asks, quietly breaking the silence. Jonathan strokes my hand with his thumb as I work on trying to breathe.

"I'm just as confused as you are." Luke mumbles, turning around again. He looks at me, and so does everyone else. They're eyes are burning through me.

I sigh, trying to gather my thoughts because I know I can't get out of this situation. This was inevitable, so I should just handle it face on.

"Um.. I mean... isn't it obvious?" I mutter, glancing up at Luke across the room from me. He sighs and hops on my dresser.

"I understand what it is, but I don't understand why you have it- or... them I guess I should say. Since it's a bunch of stuff." He comments. I purse my lips and relax my shoulders.

"Well, hold on," Brock speaks, "How about this. Would you rather us make an assumption then just confirm or deny it? Would that be easier than explaining?" He suggests. Thank you, Brock. Always here to save the day.

"Yes, that would be a lot easier." I mutter. My chest feels so heavy.

"Okay. I'll start. But um, this is hard to get out so bear with me...but, are you... hurting yourself? Like... with the knife? or is that just coincidentally in there?" Brock asks cautiously. I can't find the courage to speak, so I just sadly nod. How pathetic. Brock sighs as David asks to ask the next question, getting a nod in response.

"Wow, so... you're depressed? Why didn't you say anything?" David wonders. His statement almost makes me want to smile. He casually made the assumption that I was depressed, but... regardless of habits, or the things I think about, or have done, I haven't been diagnosed with anything. Unfortunately I actually have to formulate words to respond to this.

I quickly sigh, "Um... well, I don't know if it's obvious, but talking about feelings and sh*t isn't quite the easiest thing for me to do. It's not because I didn't trust you guys or anything." I tell them, avoiding eye contact. I'm trying to keep my cool, but I feel like I'm losing my mind.

"Now that we know, it should be easier to talk about. But um, that self harm sh*t gotta stop, Ev." Marcel crosses his arms. I glance down at my sleeve, knowing what's buried underneath it. Man, this is harder than I thought.

"It's harder than it sounds." I mumble, feeling regret wash over me. If I was just honest, I wouldn't be in this situation. They should've known when everything started up again. I should've let them see this part of me sooner... well... i don't know.

"I can't answer anymore questions." I tell them before standing up and walking out of the room. I close the door behind me and let out a breath. I silently walk into the bathroom and lock the door behind me.

I pop open my medicine cabinet and grab a bottle of pills, dumping a few extra into my hand. I take a deep breath before throwing them down my throat one after the other, disregarding my need for water.

They all slowly slip down, the effect hitting me minutes later.

As I get dizzy, the last thing on my mind is a wish.

Please put me to sleep for as long as I need, whether that means forever or just until tomorrow.

*Boom!*