Last July

Chapter fifty three

"What is it" I said holding on to my mother's hand.

She stopped abruptly looking at Where our hands met and a number of emotions passed over her face. I pulled back my hand likwise, true, I couldn't tell the last time I held my mother close. It was really do long ago. She looked up at me smiling a little before she moved to touch my face. I was tempted to convince her that "yeah, this is me mom" in a high pitched tone but didn't.

"I meant what I said inside there" she started.

"About us always fighting" I answered

"No" she shook her head. "About you being small and me being so scared. You have every right to hate me, but I did my best considering the circumstances".

" You could've done better"

She nodded slowly motioning for us to take a seat. "Yeah, maybe. When I had your brother, your dad and I was young, in marriage, age. Both our careers were just taking off then. When your sister came along, I felt we could manage. Your grandmother helped out every now and again. I mean we were failing then too but it wasn't that bad"

"Okay, what does that have to do with me?"

" Kendall, when I found out I was pregnant, you were already two months along we didn't plan for you. I hadn't even accepted the fact that I was already a mother of two and now I had another on the way. I was terrified"

"Really, I find that hard to believe"

My mother terrified, I don't think so. Since my childhood, I've never seen my mother have a melt down over anything, not even her divorce. I remember almost melting my head into her bedroom door at nights just to listen if she cried at nights. I heard nothing. She was fine, no knowing that a child, me scared her that wasn't just hard to believe it was ridiculous.

"Well, I was as hard as it is for you to think" she said looking down. "I wasn't always this composed, I thought probably we could wing it with Kay and Kent but the day I held you, I realised I was literally standing in shifting sand"

she pushed back her loose hair behind her ear casually, the way I'd seen her do a thousand time, but then I realized she was shaking. My mother was shaking? Nervous? What?.

"I couldn't just exist passing off my responsibilities anymore, worse you were so clingy. I had to get my act together, both your father and I. More so I than him but, we had to do it none the less"

I didn't speak just continued to watch her realising things I never noticed before with my mother. Her eyes were dark, heavy even, not getting much sleep I noticed but she always hated sleeping. Always having a million things to get done in twenty four hours, hardly ever resting. Dad used to argue with her alot over it. I used to watch from between the railing of the stairwell as they shouted at each other before either Kent or Kay took me to bed at nights. I cried once, the first time I heard them, I didn't know what to think, I'd never heard them go at each other like that. Dad left that night, he found me much later in their room curled up unable to sleep.

"I thought we were okay until" she chuckled lightly her eyes clouding over with emotion. "Until my worst nightmare became reality. Until you showed that wayward attitude I had, so free, so adventurous. Everything that I was and I hated that, but no matter what I did, you were just you" she looked down and a tear fell. I felt conflicted with this new revelation. I wanted to hug her about I just couldn't move. I sat there gazing at my mother, so the reason why we were always at each other's throat's was because I was her replica? "I maybe could've done much better"

"Yeah like explaining this to me instead of keeping it to yourself or between you and kay"

"You wouldn't give me the time of day kenzy"

" True " I nodded. "Because you're me mother. You were scared I'd make the same mistakes you made but your fear only tore us apart. I mean that probably explains my childhood and high school days but you're behaviour over the last few years, those aren't justified by this"

" I've told her a million times, just tell you that she just wants to see you happy, but she never listens, not when we dated, when we married or now"

"Are you serious Russel, you just couldn't wait to up me one could you" said my mother straightening and staring up at my father as if she'd knock him over.

"Calm down Celia" father said casually.

I looked up to see my dad with Kent beside him acting as if he had no interest in the conversation, but I could see a half smile resting on his lips. Dad ruffled my hair a bit and I sat thinking about everything. All my life my mother gave me a hard time, we argued, ignored each other but I always did everything with her in mind. She was damn hard to please, but I guess so was I when it came down to it.

"You hate that I'm a writer too"

"Oh that's not gonna change" she replied recovering. My mouth fell realising that she had reverted completely to the woman she was before I had our heart to heart. "But I'm learning, to accept that that's who you are. It's a working progress"

"And maverick?" I eyes her curiously knowing she never approved of him from day one.

" You can forget about him" answered my father. I didn't realize he had as much distaste for him as mother did. My father's face held contempt hearing the name. I looked down feeling sad. I knew they all cared about me in one form or another, I just didn't expect that they were this concerned.

"I'm just glad he wasn't stupid enough to leave you when you're pregnant" chipped in Kent .

"Well I mean I don't have anything to worry about" said my father. "She's not planning to have children, at least not anytime soon"

What? I chuckled placing a hand to my stomach. "How do you know I'm not already pregnant?"
I almost shrinked into my chair the moment the words fell from my mouth. Mother eyed me up and down, Kent's phone almost fell from his hands and dad was the stiffest I had seen him all my life.

"In that case" he said finally relaxing and heading towards Kate's room. "You won't have to worry about Kent murdering him. I'd do it myself".

--------------------------------------------
Author's notes: okay guys!!!! As promised the lovely explanation of her mother.

What'd you guys think? Is she still a pain or do you think it was understandable?

Thanks for your continued reading, don't forget to vote!!!

Charms💕