When Love & Hate Collide [Completed]

Chapter 82 - The Day You Stop Racing

As I lay next to my son that night, my whole life moved across my eyes, making me relive every moment spent with Norberto. And for the first time ever I saw how naïve I had been all these years. I had fallen in love with him probably from the time my eyes first landed on those icy grey eyes. To be honest, it was not fully love then and I surely didn't know it then, but each day spent under his eyes and his brush pushed me a little closer to him, a little more accepting of my feelings.

But everything crashed that terrible night of the exhibition. It all got black and dark and the hatred I felt for him for disregarding my feelings, for exploiting my heart and my body, overcame all other emotions and became the end all and be all of my existence. The fact that I was pregnant snatched away my balance completely and I felt my life losing out of my hands. All those frustrations, the utter lack of control over myself, over my life, the self-hatred for becoming a slut at the hands of Norberto pushed me into a dark place from where return became impossible.

Even after Raul was born, my disturbed mind kept scheming and plotting, making revenge the sole reason for my existence.

I had been such a sucker for travesty.

It was a losing battle right from the start. And all the meaningless materialistic realities of that glittering but hollow fashion world only added on to the darkness inside my heart. I never let my true emotions emerge out and kept feeding the devil in me, scarifying everything good in me.

It was all so clear now but alas while living in that dark world, I never realized how I had been digging my own grave. I kept falling deeper and deeper in that shit and kept adding on to my downfall. It was a vicious cycle. Do dirty, feel dirty, cry dirty but then repeat the whole horrible cycle all over again.

I was fully lost. I was so damn lost that despite everything I had done, even when God gave me a way to get out of that rabid hole, I kept spiralling into it. I threw away any and every chance of redemption, of making it work. Even when Norberto said he wanted me, I kicked him in his teeth and opted out.

What could I expect from him now? After throwing him out of my life and the life of our son, it was a miracle he still had me under his roof. Despite my wrongs, he still took me as the mother of his son. I was still with my son because of him. And even though I would have never given up on Raul, would have fought him tooth and nail, he was right when he said, he didn't need me. He didn't need to marry me to get Raul. But he still did, so that I could be with my son.

I pulled Raul closer in my arms and prayed for a better tomorrow. A day when truth would finally emerge and live unheeded.

The day you stop racing is the day you win the race; Bob Marley had said. That night, I realized I was through with my race. My race with time, my race with love, my race with Norberto, my race with myself. Irrespective of what would happen in future, I would live my life with my heart filled with love. Nothing ever would take that knowledge away from me.

I woke up to a fine sunny morning and immediately last night conversation with Raul came back to me. He was still sleeping next to me. My sweet, innocent and yet so understanding baby. It was true, a child is the father of a man, or in this case, mother of a woman. My child taught me to be a mother and to be a woman. I grabbed him in my arms to shower him with several good morning kisses.

"Mom! I know you love me, but you need to learn to control those emotions!" He complained rubbing his hands on his kisses-attacked-cheeks. There, my calm, mature son was back.

"I know but you know it too, it's difficult for me. And its okay for mothers to show their love to their nine-year-old sons with good morning kisses. It's quite normal," I replied happily.