Emptiness

t w e n t y - f i v e

"You screamed at your mother?" He laughs surprised.

"I shouted." I says with half a smile. "It's not the same at all."

"I'm proud." He says writing something down. "I don't condone whatsoever the shouting part, but it's good that you finally stood up for yourself." He smiles approvingly. "Just try having a civil conversation next time."

"You really need to meet my mom." I laugh rolling my eyes. "That's easier said than done."

We continued talking for a while, it was nice seeing him again. I hadn't seen him in weeks cause I didn't have time. I didn't make the time. But now I want to make time for him again.

We talked about my father, Chris, Nate and mom. It's funny how in such little time that had passed, so much happened. I obviously didn't tell him about Jackson, cause that's something I'm not comfortable talking about yet. And there's no need to mention that now, I think I can handle it on my own.

After that I went to practice, it seems like today was a productive day. It's been so long since I've done things like this.

"Katherine." Coach says walking past me. "Can we have a chat after you're done here?" He asks.

"Sure." I reply with half a smile.

I wasn't nervous, I have nothing to be worried about. I've been good, I think.

"What's up." I ask him as I take a sit on the chair in front of his desk.

"Nothing, I just wanted to see how things are going with you." He says with a small shrug. "You seem happier today, how was Thanksgiving?" He adds with a smile.

"Great!" I reply excited. "I saw Nate and Chris again." I add with a small smile.

"That's good." He replies with a nod.

"Coach Harvey." I say, now completely serious, turning my view to the floor.

"What?" He says with a frown. "Everything alright?" He asks concerned.

"Nothing." I whisper debating having this conversation. "I just wanted to tell you, that you were right."

"Right about what?" He asks confused.

"Remember when you asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was okay? Cause you noticed I was losing weight?" I add nervously.

"Yes." He sighs, crossing his arms. "What about it?" He asks, somehow knowing where this was going.

"I just didn't know how to tell you." I whisper, hoping not to cry. "But I'm doing better now, I promise. This time is different, I didn't do it on purpose." I continue.

"It's just," I sigh finally looking at his eyes. "With Chris and Nate gone everything became harder. Having to deal with mom and my recovery alone." I say trying to justify my actions. "I know that's no excuse, that I should just be honest, to avoid problems, but it's easier said than done, and I don't like disappointing the people I care about."

"Katherine." He sighs, clearly upset. "The fact that you think so little of yourself is infuriating." He whispers. "Your problems not matter how minor you may think they are, are still just as important as everyone elses."

He stands up and walks around the desk, resting his body against it in front of me. I look at the floor, cause I really didn't want to face him.

"When I said you could talk to me or call me whenever you needed to, I wasn't joking." He says disappointed.

"I know." I whisper, the lump in my throat making it hard to talk. "And I wish it was that simple." I sigh. "But I just want to make everyone happy, I don't want to worry everyone with this."

"Hey." He says pulling my chin up with his index finger. "Promise me next time you're even tempted to do something like that, or hurt yourself, you will call me first."

I look straight at his eyes, a few tears escaping mine, and nod. "I promise." I whisper standing up and wrapping my arms around him.

After that intense conversation with coach Harvey I went home, happy that I told him the truth. It truly felt like a weight had been dropped from my shoulders.

I get home and the house smelled divine, but I went upstairs to shower first. I get out of my leotard and fill my bathtub with hot water and some rose water products.

When I finally get in, and sit peacefully on the floor, I sigh. Finally at peace, I grab my phone and text Chris that I'm home and okay, since I do intend on keeping my promise to talk to him. Maybe not everyday but once or twice a week will do.

After that I call Nate but he doesn't answer, which was odd since he didn't have any more classes today and he usually answers at this time. I frown but let it slide since he's probably sleeping or doing school work. Which is completely more important than talking to me so I just text him.

I finish showering and put something on before going downstairs to eat, hoping mom will not bother me today after what I told her the other day.

-
Hi,

I've been MIA and I'm so sorry. Things have been awful in my life lately. A lot has happened and that's why I haven't updated. This chapter I wrote months ago but I had intentions of uploading it with a few others, but I haven't edited the other ones. I will tomorrow though.

Anyways, my granpa past away recently which has been really hard on my family, especially my dad. The funeral was awful and depressing so yeah... a week later I got in a car crash where I almost died, which was also awful, scary and depressing. I'm okay now, I guess. I feel awful, I feel guilty. Obviously it wasn't on purpose, it was an accident after all and it wasn't my fault, the guy that hit me was speeding. I made it out alive but my brand new car got all messed up.

I thought 2021 would be my year honestly, everything was going great but it only lasted two weeks. I bought that car BRAND NEW, zero miles, on my name finally made some credit and then my granpa has a stroke, gets hospitalized his kidneys start failing and dies and a week after I almost died. And tbh I didn't even care about the car in that moment, all I could think about was my dad, how he was going through a rough time and I made things worse. I mean, I've been thinking of all the things I could have done differently that could have avoided that night. Taking another route, not stopping for gas... I hate myself so much cause of it. I literally had the opportunity to drive it for two weeks before everything went down. (My insurance will take care of everything btw)

My parents weren't mad, they are just happy I'm alive. My granpa died on a Thursday, the funeral was Sunday and I got in the car crash the next Thursday. I didn't work or drive for a week. I just went to doctors appointment, cried and threw myself a pity party. All that happened on January/February, but now is March and things are getting bad.

My eating disorder is getting worse. I'm back to fasting for days, purging everything I eat and feeling like shit. Which I lowkey love, I forgot how much I missed feeling empty and dizzy all the time. I guess you can assume my recovery is off the picture. Idk I just feel so lost, like what even is my life? Why bad things happen to good people? They're going to fix my car but I don't even want it anymore, I just want to disappear. And seeing the numbers in the scale go down so quickly doesn't help whatsoever. Just makes me want to starve forever.

Anyways finishing my book, cause now I'm all dark and twisted, filled with motivation.

P.s. please don't worry about me, I guess I will be alright. 💖