Day and night

Can you forgive me?

I was sitting there in the ambulance. Just looking at her. I couldn't speak. My thoughts were racing in my head hurting my mind. I was just sitting looking hopeless at her laying in the wheeled stretcher. The sirens were screaming. 

The paramedic was standing over her with a defibrillator. I could hear her body react. I felt empty as I was looking at her. Her face was pale with dried blood on her forehead. 'Fight Daisy. Please. I am not sure what I am gonna do if you don't soon start to breathe', I thought to myself.

I couldn't stand looking at her like this, it was my fault. If I actually had looked at the road, we wouldn't have driven into the tree... I had been lucky. It was supposed to be me.  I had to be the one laying there. If she didn't wake up. If she wouldn't survive this. If she wouldn't be her normal self, by thinking this I could feel that the guilt was slowly tearing me apart. 

I felt like everything was just happing in slow motion. I love her... 'you mean loved'.... a thought corrected me. My heart fell down into my stomach by the thought of this. If she died I killed her. I would have killed the person I loved the most in the world. How would I ever live with that?. 

I heard the slow bibs from the heart rate monitor, that slowly sparked a small hope inside of me. I could feel my eyes become blank and a lump in my throat. The doors to the ambulance got open. I felt like I wasn't in my own body as I got out of the seat. I followed them into the hospital. They got her rushed into surgery.

I swear sitting in that waiting room was some of the most nerve-wracking thing, I had ever done in my whole life. I felt like my stomach was tied as a knot together.

" Ava smith, you can come and see her now." It sounded far away, but I  saw the nurse moving her mouth. I got slowly up. I couldn't do anything but follow her. She showed me to a room. There she was laying in the hospital bed with wires and drop in her. She had been fixed up with stitches. The tears started to fall, as I went further into the room. Seeing her there laying in the hospital bed made my tears fall quicker down my face, I had a hard time seeing anything. I fell to my knees by the side of her bed. I took her hand, it was still warm, it felt like her. She was breathing on her own. Thank the nurses, the doctors and the surgeons for them doing their job. 

I wasn't sure how long I was kneeling by her bed. I felt her hand tighten around my own. I looked up. I met her brown eyes looking at me. " I am so fucking sorry. " I said hugging her tightly. "Ouch, you have already tried to kill me once in for the last couple of hours, maybe be go a bit slower?" She said with a smile. I loosen my grip and on her and got back. " Sorry, can you forgive me for everything?" She smiled looking at me" only if you never fucking start fighting with me while driving. "She was moving her toes and her legs underneath the blankets, but she cracked a face of pain, as she started to want to get out of the bed. " Deal, but stay in bed, please. "I said trying to make her sit down" You know I am bad at laying down and doing nothing,"  She said as I was getting her back to bed. " You have me, I will take care of you."