Wildflower (Kris Bryant)

28 Real Heartbreak

Serenity

Growing up my mom used to tease me that I was "broken hearted". That life is cruel and unfair and before I even got to experience it, it broke my heart. That's why I couldn't have the care free and active childhood my brothers had. That's why I had to watch life pass me by and I couldn't be a part of it. I'm not so sure I would have done much different had I had a good heart. I loved reading and going on adventures in my mind and being so aware of myself and my surroundings. While everyone else gets to go out and live their life I know they're not really living. I know there's more to life than what they do and I only know because I didn't get to live all that much either. But reading about life and how to handle it softened the blow of my harsh reality a little. I learned about the miracles people overcome and how people deal with heartbreak and disappointment. I learned pretty young what real heartbreak was. And it wasn't breaking up with a boy friend or a best friend saying that she never wants to see me again.

It's never knowing what your life can be because you don't know what life is for. When you live your whole life with a deadly heart disease the things people worship seem so... empty. It seems silly to want a nice car and a nice house and a nice relationship if those things aren't filled with the things that actually matter. Why have a nice car if you don't have memories of jamming out with your friends and there's a cheese spot in the back from when your friend danced too hard and knocked the cheese cup out of your hands? Why have a nice house if the walls are bare and there's no pictures of what makes your life one worth living? Why be in a relationship when you don't love that person with everything in your might and show them that every chance you get?

Now don't get me wrong, it's nice to have the empty things too. Having a good phone allows me to read on the go and I'm a sucker for a cute outfit that costs more than it ever should. But in the end my happiness, my quality of life didn't depend on that stuff. It didn't depend on anyone who wasn't me. And that's why living the life I had been was easy for me.

But as I went under I realized that this wasn't about my life I made, it's about the people in my life who loved me. And there was plenty of people who made my life worth it. That made me want to keep living even though it was hard. And that's the same reason I fought so hard to keep going.

I don't remember much from being asleep. It's all kind of blurry and there's no distinct line between what was real and what was a dream. But I wake up to a room full of doctors and nurses looking at me. I try to look around but a nurse keeps me steady and makes sure I don't do too much.

"Good afternoon Miss Serenity. We need you to stay still while we check your vitals and make sure your stable" a woman explains.

So I lay back down and stare at the ceiling. Not going to lie, I wasn't feeling the greatest, but I was awake again so that was good. I'm not sure if they got the surgery done or if it was a success. But I was just ready to see my loved ones again.

After a few minutes I see my doctor appear by me and he smiles. He moves the bed so I was sitting up a little and could talk to him. "Man am I glad to see you up" he claims and I smile a little. "How are you feeling" he wonders.

"My chest hurts" I admit.

"That would be from the heart and lung transplant we did. You're going to be pretty sore, especially since this was your second major heart surgery. The chest isn't made to be open and closed like a Starbucks door. But your body has been doing really well with the new heart" he explains.

"I got a new heart" I smile.

He smiles back at me as he proudly nods his head. "We got you one just in time. And it was a long surgery, we were in there for about four hours trying to get your heart and lungs to work again. It got a little tense at times but you pulled through" he says.

"How long was I asleep" I question.

"You were out for four days before we found you a heart. You had surgery around 2 yesterday and now you're here" he smiles.

I sit there and let this all sink in. I've been waiting for a new heart since I was in high school. And I know that this wasn't over, far from it. But I can start all over and make a new ending and I couldn't wait to do so.

They run some more tests on me and I answer some questions. I looked like a alien with tubes coming out of my chest but I had surgery yesterday so they would be there for a while. They give me all my medications and take away a few machines so I can start doing things on my own. My heart was beating by itself and my lungs were going on their own too. I was a new woman... kind of.

Finally they let my family in and I get a bunch of hugs. Well, not real hugs thanks to my draining tubes but it's the thought that counts. Eventually Kris comes in with the biggest smile on his face and I smile back. He comes right over to me before pulling me into a kiss.

"You know I'm mad at you right" he teases.

"I kinda figured" I admit.

"But I am so so so happy that you're here. I've missed you so much" he claims.

He rests his head on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around his head. I feel him start to cry and I was sure this is a real heartbreak right here.

"I promise you I'm not going anywhere without you. I don't know a lot about what's happened since I was out, but I do know that I don't want to walk another step without you by my side. And I was stupid to not tell you that this was inevitable. I wish like I would have told you, but I couldn't let you go" I whisper.

"I know baby, I know" he promises.