Imagine with Harry part 5
It had been a few weeks since you had forced yourself to throw up at Liam’s, you hadn’t needed to after that because you hadn’t eaten. You were living off water, everyday you told yourself you were going to have something but you were to weak to fight of anorexia. It had gotten so bad that you felt dizzy standing, Harry assumed you were sick but Liam looked more concerned than ever. You just told him you had a cold and there was nothing to worry about. The guilt was eating you alive. Sometimes you wondered if you should tell him the truth, not just because you felt so bad about lying but because you were worried this time, anorexia would claim your life. That thought scared you but you refused to believe it, you told yourself you were strong, you told yourself when the time came for you to eat you would be able to. There was a sensible part of your mind that knew it wasn’t true, you couldn’t make yourself eat now so why would that suddenly change later but you shoved that thought deep into the cells of your sub conscious, never to be revisited. You had Miserable at Best by Mayday parade playing full volume to block out all thoughts of hunger, but to be honest you didn’t even feel hungry anymore. That was the scary part, you didn’t feel anything, you were numb. Everyone once in a while you would feel a slight tingle but not often enough to be reassuring. You saved all your energy for you fake smiles. That was the only thing you had left now. You could almost feel life slowly trickling out of you, leaving you emptier and emptier and colder and colder. You are not dying you told yourself. This is not killing you, you are stronger then anorexia, you are to strong to die. This is more of a diet then anything, this disease is not taking you over. This played on repeat in your head, over and over, now you were even lying to yourself. You were disgusting, a weak, lying, disgusting human being and you were ashamed. You don’t know how you ended up in the bathroom but you were staring at yourself in the mirror, seeking your every flaw, forcing yourself to acknowledge that you were ugly. Forcing yourself to hate your every feature. You didn’t even try to hold back the tears anymore, they came freely, destroying all sanity, all power you used to hold. You watched yourself cry and shake, to weak to even hold yourself up properly. You grabbed Harry’s razor, you don’t want to do this (Y/N) you told yourself but it was to late you were already sitting down and putting the razor on your tender skin. Your breath was shallow, your heart beat slowly, the sweet release of blood made you relax, at least now you could feel something, pain. It coursed through your body, blocking out depression, it was a welcome feeling and you didn’t try to fight it. You just stared across the bathroom, wallowing in your own self pity, wondering how you let yourself go like this. The whole world got a black tint as your mind became foggy. You didn’t want to die, not like this, not so weak, so young, so vulnerable. There were so many things you wanted to do before you fell into the release of death. You wanted to kiss Harry one last time, assure him that this monster you were know didn’t come around because of him. You wanted to beg forgiveness from Liam, you knew once you had left the living world he would blame it on himself but you didn’t want that. You wanted to hug your family, wipe their tears and make sure they would go on without you. A final tear slipped down your cheek. Landing on your arm, mixing with your blood. A tear of ending, a tear of longing, a tear of death. You closed your eyes, blocking out the world, waiting for your life to be over
