Your Friend, Jordan

Seven

Scanning the field ahead of me, in the distance by the school, I tried to let my mind wander, letting it travel onto other things while I escaped the place I was in. Although, a moment later, a sight of red caught my attention as it flashed by, while the object drove away from the back lane and the school ahead. My heart palpated in my chest, thumping to an off beat as I felt slight panic and dread wash over me. Freezing in my spot, I stared down the car that drove close by, and I couldn't take my eyes away. A red Jeep made its way down the back lane, passing by me as I was shocked, terrified yet curious all at the same time. Jordan. That's Jordan's car. Is that him? Is he back? Is he finally returning and about to show back up? Enter the school and announce he's back and everything's all good? Just like the times before?

I tried not to look, not staring at the driver for too long as I was afraid to see who it was. I wanted to know who was driving, if it was really him, but I didn't at the same time. Looking down at the ground for a few seconds, the question kept gnawing at me in my head, floating around as my curiosity got the better, and I finally peered back up. Although as I caught a glimpse of the driver, I realized it wasn't Jordan at all. An older guy sat in the driver's side, glancing over towards me as we made eye contact for a moment, and he went on by.

I let out the air I hadn't realized I'd been holding in, while I relaxed and breathed normally again. My heart returning to its regular beat, I tried to shake the nerves away, to release the heavy pressure inside of me. I was overall a nervous wreck, I was surprised no one had figured this out until now, and not weeks earlier. I had been way worse then, but I guess that went to show how much people seemed to pay attention to me. All, except for Jordan of course, he seemed to care too much at the time.

***

  By the end of the day, I wanted nothing more than to leave the school, possibly drive around for a bit or just head home, but I cut myself short as I was reminded of the hockey practice that day. Heading out to the car, my house was on my mind as the hockey arena just down the street caught my attention, and the dull reminder popped into my head. Dread filling inside me, I sulked to my car, getting in before I started it up, and tried driving slowly down the road. If I was just a regular player on the team I would have ditched maybe, but since I was the captain, I couldn't do that without having a legitimate excuse. Or just a fake story to tell the coaches later on. I had done that these past few weeks already, talking a big story to the coaches explaining I haven't been feeling great lately and been feeling sick. Which, if I'm being honest, wasn't a complete lie. I didn't feel the same about hockey as I once did. The thought of it made me tense and nervous, which I had never felt before. Hockey had always been a love of mine, one I shared with every other guy on the team, especially my friends. But it was different now, it had changed for me in a way. It wasn't this thing that made me feel happy, excited and strong anymore; it only caused me pain, shame, fear, and anger. But I knew why I felt this way. It started only weeks before, and I knew for sure I wasn't the only one who felt this way, Jordan did as well, in a way.

  I could feel my heart pound in my chest as I parked just about a hundred feet away from the school, into the parking lot of the arena that was practically across the street from the school grounds. Our home arena, the one where we played most of our games against other schools. The very place we played just days earlier for our first game, winning like we hoped and figured we would. After all, we had been practicing like crazy for the new season already. And I was thrilled that we won for the first time with me as the captain, in a way it felt like I achieved something, not just the team. But I couldn't take all the credit, for I had skipped a few of the practices lately, and I wasn't always around.

  A number of other guys crowded into the rink as I grabbed for my duffel bag in the backseat, the blue one I had forgotten the day earlier from our game. Placing it over my head, around my body, I clicked the alarm on for the car and headed inside, while other guys from the team followed along as well.