TALES FROM THE UNDERBELLY

What's Love Got to Do With It?

    Young BARRY sits glumly on a park bench.

    Old Mister WILSON, passing by, recognizes him.

WILSON  Why, hello Barry. Is something wrong?

BARRY  Hi, Mister Wilson... My wife.

WILSON  Your Melissa? Is she ill?

BARRY  No... Angry.           

WILSON   Ah! Your first spat. (sits) A trivial matter, I presume?

BARRY   Not to her!

WILSON   Let me guess: Something you said?

BARRY  She wants me to tell her everything! “Be honest,” she says. “Be open.”

WILSON  Ouch!

BARRY  So I was, and now she’s mad at me.

WILSON  You said something she didn’t want to hear.

BARRY  It was the truth!

WILSON  Barry, you know I’ve been married three times.

BARRY  Uh huh.

WILSON  And you, young man, are the best next door neighbor I have ever had the pleasure of living next door to. So I am going to let you in on a little secret: Never, ever tell a woman what she does not want to know.

BARRY  How am I supposed to know what that is?

WILSON  It’s not easy, I'll admit. You must be stealthy, and approach any sensitive subject with supreme caution. And always remember: All subjects are sensitive.

BARRY  Now you tell me!

WILSON  You wouldn’t have believed me before. You had to learn for yourself.

BARRY  So what am I supposed to do?  Keep silent?

WILSON  Whenever possible. I realize that is not always practical. But keep your wits about you, and in time, you will learn the proper things to say.

BARRY  I had no idea marriage was this complicated!

WILSON  I know. You thought love and respect were enough. You, like most of our gender, think actions speak louder than words. You have not yet fully realized that women require both.

BARRY  I’m not very good with words.

WILSON  You don’t need to be a poet. Most crises can be averted by remembering two simple phrases: “I love you”, and, “You look pretty.”

BARRY  But, I do love her! And she is pretty!

WILSON  Then you are off to a good start! The real trick is to say it when you don’t  mean it.

BARRY  How can I do that and remain honest with her?

WILSON  My dear, young friend - you can’t. If you are to remain ensconced in marital bliss, you must be willing to stretch the truth.

BARRY  I’ve tried that. She’s caught me at it every time!

WILSON  You were never very proficient at deception. Too open.

BARRY  Melissa says that’s my best quality!

WILSON  Until now.

BARRY  It’s hopeless. I can’t do this!

WILSON  You love your Melissa, don’t you?

BARRY  Yes, of course!

WILSON  Then make her happy. She doesn’t want a big lie; just a little one. A simple little white lie to soothe her ruffled pride. She wants to believe you care.

BARRY  I do!

WILSON  Then lie, Barry, lie!  Treat your treasured bride like a beautiful fawn, unfairly exposed to life’s cruel vagaries; as if jackals and tigers lurk in the underbrush, ready to devour her fragile ego. Just remember, she is really a lioness, perfectly capable of tearing your heart out with one slash of her claws. Regard her as a delicate nymph - with the capabilities of a hunting cat - and you will be forever glad you did.

BARRY  I guess I’ll have to try. (reciting) “I love you. You look pretty.”

WILSON  (slaps BARRY on the back) Attaboy! (gets up) I must be off. I expect regular progress reports from you, young man. Stop by the old neighborhood - let me know  how things are working out.   

BARRY  (gets up, shakes his hand) I will. Thanks Mister Wilson... But, tell me...

WILSON  Yes?

BARRY  If you know the secret to a happy marriage, how come  none of yours worked out?

WILSON  (cheerfully) Oh, I’m a terrible liar. See you, Barry!

BARRY  See you, Mister Wilson.

    WILSON exits. BARRY sits and ponders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~