TALES FROM THE UNDERBELLY

Cap'n Dog

A DIRTY back alley. A ragged STREETPERSON stands with one arm held out, holding an imaginary dog biscuit and speaking to an invisible dog.

 

Up. Up! Good dog!

        (Lets go of biscuit, bends down to pet the “dog”)

It took you a while to learn that trick, huh, Cap’n Dog. You’re getting stubborn in your old age, aren’t you?

        (Sits, strokes “dog”)

Ah, Cap’n Dog, Cap’n Dog. What would I do without you? You watch out for me, don’t you? Like when that mean-looking man wanted me to give him all my change. What change? Do I look like I have any change? I don’t even have a change of clothing!

        (Laughs hysterically, stops suddenly, looks at “dog”)

You don’t get that, do you?

         (Hugs “dog”)

                              

That’s what I love about you, Cap’n Dog! You’re not complicated. You have a simple life. “Come”, “go”, “fetch”, “stay”, “Woofie Chow”. Ho, ho! That’s your favorite word, isn’t it? “Woofie Chow”!

         (Vigorously scratches behind “ears)

I’m afraid I don’t have any Woofie Chow, Cap’n Dog. Have a biscuit instead.

         (Pulls “biscuit” out of pocket, holds it out, jerks hand back in pain)

Ow!

         (Smacks “dog” on the nose)

How many times have I told you not to bite!

         (Sucks finger, looks at it)

I don’t think you broke the skin.

         (Looks down at “dog”, smiles)

                              

You don’t care, do you, Cap’n? A nice, crunchy biscuit gives you all the pleasure in the world. If somebody gets bit in the process - well - that’s not your problem, is it? You’ve got something good to put in your belly, and nothing else matters! Till it’s all gone, that is. You want another?

         (Pets “dog” playfully)

You want another, Cap’n Dog?

         (Stands up, turns away)

Sorry!

         (Shoos “dog” away)

Nope. No more. Why? Because you’re a dog, that’s why! And I am a person!... What? You say you’re a person, too? I never thought of it that way. I guess you are a person, Cap’n Dog. I apologize.

         (Bends down, holds out hand, shakes “paw”, then stands erect, looks down at “dog” and grins manically)

But you are a DOG person! Ha! And I - I, Cap’n Dog - am a HUMAN person!