TALES FROM THE UNDERBELLY

A Tale of Two Winos

                      

            Two winos sprawl against a wall in a back alley. They pass a brown-bagged bottle back and forth.

ONE    None of this is real, you know.

TWO   Say what?

ONE     (Waving the bottle) This! None of this exists! (Staggers to his feet) Not this wall, not this pavement, not even you!

TWO      Gimme that bottle.

ONE      (Takes a long swig, holds bottle upside down) It is empty.

TWO     Bastard!

ONE       I am not. I remain my father's son. Do you know who you are?

TWO   Sure. A pathetic drunk in a piss-soaked alley, wasting his time listening to a crazy bastard.

ONE      No you're not. You are a figment of my imagination. I have produced you from the ethers to keep me from loneliness.

TWO    Whatever you say, crazy bastard.

ONE     I am neither crazy, nor a bastard. But say whatever comes into your imaginary mind. I have given you free will.

TWO    (Staggers up) Then I am free to leave.

ONE     That is not possible.

TWO      Oh? Whatta you gonna do about it?

ONE   (Sits back down)  Nothing. If you leave, you will simply cease to exist.

TWO     (Heads off) I don't know why I hang around you, you crazy bastard.

         TWO exits. ONE clasps his hands behind his head and whistles a tune.  After a   moment, TWO walks slowly back,stands over him.

TWO    (Frightened)  There's nothing out there.

ONE     Uh huh.

TWO      (Grabs ONE, shakes him) Did you hear me, you crazy bastard? There is nothing out there!

ONE     I know.

TWO     (Lets go of ONE, goes to exit, peers out) The street, the buildings, the people! All gone. Where are all the people?!

ONE    Never existed.

TWO     What the hell are you saying? I saw plenty of people while I was walking here. I bummed a couple-a dollars offa living, breathing human beings so I could buy that bottle of cheap wine - most of which you drank. I still have the receipt! (Fumbles in his pockets) I musta lost it.

ONE    (Pats the ground next to him) Sit down.

            TWO sits next to ONE.

ONE    You don't live apart from me. Nothing does. If I don't think it, it doesn't happen.

TWO  You're crazy. I remember things from my childhood. You weren't there!

ONE    No, I wasn't at your fifth birthday party when you couldn't blow out all the candles on your cake. You huffed and puffed, feeling the heat of embarrassment flush into your cheeks. The kids all laughed, remember? Especially little Susie Gorman, the girl from down the street. Remember? Red pigtails, freckles - laugh like a cartoon witch? Hee! Hee! Hee!

TWO    I musta told you that.

ONE    Then there was the time in high school when that bully, James Cracken - I love that name, Cracken! - caught you in the Boy's Room masturbating. Remember?  You were in a stall with a ladies underwear ad. You were just about to climax when James barged through the door. The latch never worked right, did it? You spurted all over the cardigan sweater his mother gave him for Christmas. Good thing the janitor came in just then, or he might have succeeded flushing you down the toilet. You had to change schools after that.

TWO    I talk too much. I gotta stop drinking.

ONE   You won't. You need to forget. Otherwise, you might remember your wedding night.

TWO     I was never married.

ONE      Yes you were. That is the secret you never tell, your biggest shame.

TWO     You're fulla shit!  (Staggers up, starts to leave, freezes, stares at the exit)

ONE     If anyone found out about that, you could not face it.

TWO     Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!

ONE    Love at first sight, wasn't it? A whirlwind courtship, a quickie Vegas wedding, then to bed! Remember? The passionate embrace, fumbling for her bra strap, your zipper getting caught? Oh, marital bliss!

TWO   (Rushes to ONE, tries to cover his mouth with his hand) Shut up! Shut up, you crazy bastard!

ONE   (Pulls TWO into his lap, holds him securely) Your blushing bride lay in your lap, breasts heaving against your arms, legs parted, ready to consummate your marriage. You moved your hand slowly up her thigh...

TWO   (Wrenches free) I never told you that! I never told anyone!

ONE     She moaned. You poked a little finger under her panties.

TWO    (Grabs ONE by the throat, choking him) Shut up! Shut up, you goddamn crazy bastard!   (He lets go, surprised, gasping, rubbing his own throat)

ONE    It was humiliating, wasn't it? You could never let anyone know. You had to kill him, didn't you?

TWO  (Sobs) How did you know?

ONE   I told you. I made it up.

TWO     (Stares at ONE, confused) Why do such a terrible thing? Don't you care what happens to me?

ONE    Yes. I am sorry.

TWO    Then fix it! If you are not a hallucination - if you are God - make it better!

ONE     I never said I was God. I merely said you are a figment of my imagination.

TWO      Then imagine me happy, with a woman who loves me!

ONE       Where would that leave me?

TWO       Free to imagine someone else to torture.

ONE     I can't do that. I'm comfortable with you. Being with you makes me feel better.

TWO     Because I'm more pathetic than you?

ONE      Yes. I'm sorry, but you really have no choice.

TWO      Don't I?

            TWO  grabs ONE by the throat and throttles him. ONE struggles under his grasp, arms and legs flailing. TWO keeps the pressure on, gasping for air himself. ONE goes rigid, collapses.  TWO clutches his own throat, sobs and dies across ONE's body.

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