Don't love me
Ayaw niyang magpahatid sa mismong bahay nila. Nakipagpilitan siya sa akin hanggang sa sumuko na lang ako. I asked the guard to look after her. Make sure she gets home safely.
"Okay lang Sir. Sanay na po kami kay Ma'am. Hinahatid na po namin lagi sa bahay nila kasi kadalasan sa hindi lasing siyang umuuwi." Mapagpasensyang sagot ng matandang gwardya. Tumango ako.
Maybe this would be the last time I'd see her so I watched her walk away from me. Ang sakit sa mata nun. I knew I would hate to see her leave but what can I do?
"Hey! Thank you for the ride. I enjoyed it. Take care!" Kumaway siya sa akin at patalikod na naglakad palayos sa akin. Tiim bagang akong tumango at nanatiling nakatingin sa kanya.
What would I give to see you again Miss?
"Katarina! What is this again?! Ayokong pagalitan ka pa na para kang teenager pero sa ginagawa mo ay napipilitan ako!" Sinalubong siya ng dumadagundong na boses ni Greyson Forbe.
Wow! My so famous and so busy dad is here in the Philippines now? Wow. So he decided to be a dad to me now? Oh well.
"Dad. I didn't do anything. What are you fussing about? Can't that wait till tomorrow?" Nababagot na sagot ko sa kanya. I lost all my care for these people a long time ago. I love all my fucking respect for all these people I looked up to since I was a kid.
"I told you do not be with any man. And now you go home drunk at hinatid pa ng kung sinong lalaki? God Katarina! What is wrong with you?" Sigaw niya.
Oh believe me Dad you wouldn't want me to answer that. I rolled my eyes and walked inside the mansion.
"Katarina kinakausap pa kita! Huwag kang bastos!" Pagod na hinarap ko si Daddy.
"Hindi ko kilala kung sino yung lalaking nagmagandang loob na ihatid ako dito. Pero I can assure you I didn't give up my virginity yet. If you want I can give you my medical certificate first thing in the morning." Marahan na sagot ko. Hindi ko inaasahan ang paglapat ng malakas na sampal sa pisngi ko. Halos humagis ang mukha ko pakaliwa dahil dun.
Nagulat ako pero hindi ko pinahalata. Hindi ko na pinansin pa ang ginawa niya. Tutal pisikal na sakit na lang naman ang kaya nilang ibigay sa akin kasi kung emosyonal na sakit? Wala ng papantay sa nararamdaman ko. Sobra sobra na at hindi na yata madaragdagan pa.
Yumuko ako at huminga ng malalim bago siya tinignan. Kitang kita ko ang pagkabigla ni Daddy. Tila gustong bawiin ang ginawa pero hindi na maaari.
"Katarina.." mahinang pagtawag niya sa akin. Isang pagod na ekspresyon lamang ang nabigay ko sa kanya.
"Goodnight Dad." Hindi ko na kaya pang makipagtalo.
All my life I have been craving for people to love me. Genuinely, because I think the only time I ever felt love was when Marky was alive. My parents divorced even before I was born. My mom knew she was pregnant with me when she came back to the Philippines.
She despised my existence. She wanted to abort me back then but my grandmother told her that she won't get a cent from our family's wealth if she would get rid of me. And since she loves money so much she had me. 9 month later she gave my granny the full custody and married again.
Only then Dad knew my existence. I was 10 years old when I met him. He's married with his first love who gave me more attention than he did. I loved Tita Veronica and my Lola Gracielle so much. It was just sad that they left me too.
Tita Veronica died when I was 15 and Lola died when I was 18. Those were the darkest part of ny life. Those two were the only ones who loved me dearly. Yet, God took them back so early.
Dad took me under his wings. I lived with him and my half brother Drift for a year until both of them decided to go back to US. That's when I met Marky Gonzaga. He was the light to my darkness. He made me feel love and utmost care. At the age of 20 I got engage.
We decided to tie the knot early for we both knew that he's not going to last long. Yes, he was just counting his remaining time when we met.
At 21 right before our supposed wedding day. He died. I was so goddamn devasted. Hindi ko alam kung paano magpatuloy. Pakiramdam ko bawal ang mahalin ako at ang magmahal dagil lahat ng taong minahal ko ay kinuha sa akin. At the time when I fucking needed them the most.
That was three years ago and up until now I still feel lost. I felt the need to fulfill Marky's crazy bucket list.
He said when we finish the bucket list we will be together forever. He said that love will find me when that time comes.
Tonight was the last of that list.
And hopefully I get him now or he'll get me. Fuck. I wish for death since death is the only way to get to then. Lola, Tita Veronica and Marky are the love I have longed for. I wish to die.
I wish to see them again. I wish to hold them. I wish to feel their love.
"Katarina.." my dad's voice woke me from the trance.
"Anak I am sorry for everything let me make things right again. Please anak. Give me a chance. I love you." He said.
No, you don't because if you do.. I bet you'd be dead right at this moment. No. I don't need more emotional baggage. I have lots of them. No. I can't break more than how broken I am right now. Just please don't.
A tear fell from my eye. Sabi nila ang pinakamasakit na uri ng luha ay ang luha na lumabas lamang sa iisang mata. Yung luha na hindi mo napapansing inilibas mo na pala. Yung luhang magpaparamdam na ito na lang pala ang kaya mong gawin pagkatapos ng lahat ng pagdaramdam.
So please, no. Don't love me.
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Loved (Fin)
ChickLit"How can you forget a love so true? How can you get back time when it passed you by? How can you move the fuck on when it's not even an option your heart gives you?" Yes, how can you? And how can I deny the fast beating of my heart when it shouts fo...
