Your Friend, Jordan

One

  A hammer began to violently smack my head, or at least that's what it felt like while it started to pound. I would for sure need a few Tylenol's in the morning, maybe even when I got home, if my parents would let me leave my room. Oh come on, they can't get that mad at you. It was a big night, it was our opening game. Our school always takes our opening games very seriously, they were huge. What did they expect would happen if we won? Shake hands with everyone and say good game, and then wave each other bye to see them the next day at school? No. They can't get that mad at me for having a bit of fun. Right? I mean, come on, I was the captain on top of it. I had to go.

  Stepping onto the next street, I watched my balance as I stepped along the cracked sidewalk. My sight wandered over to the field and the school by my side, chilly, empty and familiar, where no trees or houses blocked my view. The soft breeze from before became a gust of wind that hit me and for a moment as I lost my footing. Without noticing at first, I began to wander away from the cemented path, entering the grass area as I stepped to my left, towards the field while everything glowed in the moonlight above. A few lights on the school grounds lit up other things as well, while spotlights were stuck to the side of the building.

  I didn't fight with my feet as they took me further, I knew there was another way to get home if I cut across the field. If anything, it was a faster path to take instead of going all the way around the sidewalk to get to my house. I didn't think twice while I entered, although when I had had a few drinks, I often didn't overthink decisions, I just made them. But that could be good, or bad, depending on the situation.

  The colourful school with the painted windows still remained the same in the distance, looked the same as the time I attended that school, many years ago. If I was being honest, I couldn't remember most things that happened in elementary school, it was as if my mind hadn't developed enough to keep memories. Things must not have been that important if I couldn't remember them, although the few memories I did have were the times with Jordan, like the first day I met him, the day we became friends, and still to this day. I couldn't forget those times, they were the best memories I had. The ones I cherished the most, the most important memories in my life so far. Or at least, that's how I used to feel.

  A sudden taste of bile entered my mouth and at the back of my throat the moment Jordan's face popped into my head, a memory coming back as my heart pounded against my chest, and a fire grew inside of me, smoke steaming out of my ears. I knew it was coming, I knew I was about to throw up as I quickly hunched over close to one of the only trees in the field, grabbing it for support as a cold sweat swept over me. It was him that made me feel sick, for a huge reason I couldn't bring myself to think about. Not at the moment at least, I had thought about it too much during these past few weeks since it occurred. I didn't want to think about it again, it had been the whole reason I wanted to drink this night; I wanted to forget about that memory. And it worked for a little, until now, and I wanted it to completely disappear. But would it ever? Or will I always carry it around with me? Wherever I go, whatever happens. It will always be there, waiting for me. I will never be able to escape it. Will he?

  Falling to the ground, I rolled over onto my back as I pushed myself away from the tree, although I still felt more bile coming up. Trying to swallow it, I pushed the memory away that haunted my mind, forcing it into the corners of my head, wanting to think of something else. But as the darkness lied above me with the moon and stars, no other thoughts came to mind. It was only at night when I found myself remembering it the most, hurting by it, regretting it, feeling guilty by it, ashamed by it. If I feel this way, how does he feel? Does he feel the same? Or does he have no regrets? Is it just me? Does he not care at all? I didn't know, and if I was being honest, I didn't plan on asking him. At the moment, I didn't plan on speaking to him ever again. But maybe that would change, I'm sure that would. After all, he was my friend, my brother. He had always been there for me, how could I forget that? He was my best friend, I couldn't just leave that behind, right? No matter what happened? Even something as big and humiliating as this?