Strings of Memories

fourth string

"You don't have to know his name." sinabi ko rito, maging ako, hindi alam ang pangalan noon. "It's just that I'm getting a weird vibe from his appearance, gestures, smile...Everything!" even his eyes gives me goosebumps.

"Kidnapper?!" napatayo pa ito sa sobrang gulat, ang OA din ng isang ito minsan.

"Hindi, hindi!" agap ko sa babaeng nagpapanic na sa harapan ko.

"He reminds me of someone. Maybe in the past, in my dreams, I don't know! Pero sa tuwing pinipilit kong alalahanin, sumasakit lang ang ulo ko. And it's bothering me." for a second, I thought I witnessed a pang of nervousness in my best friend's eyes, but eventually...It disappeared.

"What do you think?" niyugyog ko ang kanyang balikat. Ngumiti ang kanyang mata sa akin at napalitan agad ang emosyon nito.

"Ano namang itsura, huh?" kailangan pa ba iyon? He's a good looking man...although he has a strange demeanor.

"Basta..." bulong ko, nagdadalawang isip kung sasabihin ba ang itsura o hindi.

Nang maalala ang nais sabihin ay kinagat ko ang labi ko. "Hey, about what I really wanted to tell you," I paused. "Matagal na noong nagkaroon ako ng ganoong klaseng sakit sa ulo, at hindi na rin ako nakakapunta sa doktor."

"You know what, Lia? I think you just really need to rest. Gosh, you're juggling two jobs and your studies!" ani nito sa seryosong tinig. I'm fine with my jobs and studies, in fact I've gotten used to it.

Bumuntong hininga ito at nagsalita muli, "Just rest first, okay?" hindi ko alam kung bakit sa tuwing tungkol sa ganitong bagay ay tila nag-iiba ang timpla niya.

"Hindi naman ako pagod, and it's not like I don't know that I have amnesia. Gusto ko lang sana bumisita sa doktor."

"Ganito, after lunch we'll head to Doc. Rosales okay?" a small smile appeared on my best friend's face.

Nasunod naman ang sinabi niya, pumunta kami sa ospital kung nasaan ang doktor na tinutukoy niya.

"It has been a very long time, Ms. Monteverde." bati sa akin noong doktor.

I only smiled as a response. Meanwhile, Hera has been telling the doctor what I've told her earlier.

"Tell me, what have you remembered for the past three years? How are you feeling?"

"Wala po masyado, there are just times na biglang sasakit ang ulo ko dahil may pilit akong inaalala. But, eventually the feeling will be gone."

"Hmm, but have you remembered anything about the..." nagkatinginan si Hera at ang nasa harapan ko.

Umubo ito at parang nakabawi sa sasabihin, "Ms. Monteverde, you know this is just dissiocative amnesia." really? Just dissiociative amnesia? "There may be a few things that you have forgotten but I am pretty sure that it didn't took a huge chunk of your memory, right?"

Tumango na lang ako kahit na hindi ako sumasang-ayon sa sinabi niya. I feel like I can't trust this doctor. What he says doesn't feel right. Ngunit nang tumingin ako sa aking harapan, tila nabawasan ang duda ko. Sitting in front of me is my best friend, I don't think she'll take me here if...

Walang gagawin si Hera na ikababahala mo, Lia. Stop overthinking.

Nag-usap pa sila ngunit tango na lamang at kaunting salita lang ang lumalabas sa aking bibig. Just for the needed response, I suppose. I'm suddenly not in the mood. Nang nasa kotse na ay pumikit ako't nagkunwaring tulog upang hindi muna makipag-usap.

I find that doctor strange, really. Sa loob ng tatlong taon, of course I researched about my condition. Loads of websites stated that I may forget certain individuals and the traumatic experience itself. Which means, this is not 'just' selective amnesia. I may really forget important details in my life! For the past years, I've also been thinking about these things. Ayun nga lang, tila nagpatong-patong ang mga problema, hindering me from completely remembering. Nagkasakit si Mama, at simula noong nawala si Papa ay lumipat na kami sa Maynila. Which explains why we're staying with Tita Cherry and her family.

We started to live in Manila, leaving our close friends, and other relatives behind. This makes it harder for me to even remember my past because...Sino ang pagtatanungan ko rito? Maging si Mama ay tutol sa pagbalik ko upang mas makaalala. What is bad about remembering anyway? Hindi naman ako mapapahamak kung makaalala ako diba?

Hindi na ako nagbalak pa na alalahanin ang mga alaalang nalimot ko na dahil baka mas lalo lang lumala ang karamdaman ni Mama. I'm afraid I might hurt her feelings.

But still, I couldn't help but wonder. If the doctor insists that the traumatic experience didn't took a huge part of my memory, then why is it bothering me? Bakit sa tingin ko ipinagkakait ang isang bagay na sa akin naman simula pa lang?