Children of the Boss

Chapter 56: Dean

August 20th

I turned 20, but didn't throw a party.

Actually, I didn't do much of anything for a while.

After filming the music video, Kali and I hung out more. We kind of had a "thing," but not really. We made out and had sex, and walked around the city holding hands, the press took our photos a bunch, but then she went to school once classes started.

I didn't go to school, though.

Classes started on the 15th, but I skipped them all. I stopped working out, I stopped leaving the house. I didn't even stay in my own room. I went all the way up to Dad and Pop's room. I watched TV and slept all day. I only left to go to the bathroom and grab more food. 

I just didn't have it in me to try anything.

I knew I was being dramatic, but I had no motivation for anything, because it didn't matter. I knew that at the end of the day, I was still a bad person, and I couldn't change that. I was angry, and mean, and emotional. I hurt a lot of people; Dad, Pop, Cassidy. I couldn't take back the things I did to hurt them, and I didn't know how to fix it.

I knew it was easy to be a good person, but I don't think it would've changed anything if I tried, because I was still a bad person.

Eve came up to the room when she noticed I was skipping school.

"Dean? Are you feeling sick?" she asked. 

I was on the bed, facing away from her.

"Yeah," is all I said.

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

Kenneth was with her. "Do you need to see a doctor or anything?" he asked.

"No."

I think they were stumped. It was unlike me to lie around for hours. I always liked to do things, keep busy, be social. I just didn't want to, though.

Dad and Pop decided to visit on the 20th. I heard them in the elevator, and then in the hallway. They were whispering outside the door.

"I don't think he'll talk to me. You should talk to him."

"I feel like he will talk to you though. You're gentle, Emmy."

"What if we just fight?"

"I don't think you will. He needs you."

Dad came in. He didn't say anything, he just sat on the bed next to me. He put his hand on my back and rubbed it in circles. "You doing okay?" he asked, and my face contorted into a frown as tears welled in my eyes. "Eve told me you weren't feeling good, that you weren't going to class. What's wrong, honey."

I inhaled through my nose, which let Dad know I was crying. I didn't want to face him, though. Now he was just going to worry about me. "I'm not a good person," I said, my voice high. I just wanted to sob and let it all out, but I was fighting it.

"Oh Dean, no. You-"

"I'm a bad person, Dad," I said. "I'm mean and angry and all I'm good at is hurting people. I hurt you, I hurt Pop, I hurt everybody and I don't know how to change."

"Dean," he said gently. He rolled me over so I was facing him, and I began crying hard. I shoved my face into his chest as he rubbed my back with his hand. 

"I just feel awful," I said. "I feel like I can't change, and whenever something good happens I just ruin it. I ruin everything."

"No Dean, no. You're not a bad person. You're smart, and caring, determined."

I shook my head. "None of that matters if I'm a jerk. I don't know why I'm like that, I was such a jerk to Cassidy and-and I don't know why she likes me when I'm mean. She deserves someone who doesn't get angry and yell and break things."

I kept crying, and he kept rubbing my back. He rubbed my back until I calmed down, when I was almost asleep.

"We can take you to a therapist honey," he said quietly. "It'll help. I promise. I went to therapy, your father, Carmen. So many people go."

"I can't go to school," I said.

"That's fine. You can take a semester off, okay?"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," he said.

"I don't want to be in this house."

"Okay. Come back to Cornwall, okay? You can be with me, Pop, Gabriel, Grandma, Grandpa. Aunt Axelle and Granny are in the house now. It'll be good to be around family. Yeah?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry," I said, and was about to cry again. I hated crying.

I had never felt like this before. Or, maybe I had, but I was good at ignoring it. I always kind of hated myself. It's one reason why I started working out so much, I started working out when I was only eleven or twelve. By the time I was in high school I was stronger than any senior. I cared so much about being the strongest, the best looking, to compensate for how much I didn't like myself. I was sixteen when I had my "episode" and had to go to the hospital. I only ate protein bars and protein shakes, water, Gatorade. I worked out every morning, during weights class, after school, late into the night. I did it because I didn't feel good enough. 

"It's okay, Dean," Dad said. "You have nothing to be sorry for. We love you no matter what."

I didn't say anything. I figured anything I said wouldn't help. 

Eventually, we went down to my bedroom. Pop cleaned all the trash I left in their room, and Dad told me to shower and then come downstairs for lunch. Eve and Kenneth were gone, which kind of relieved me because I was embarrassed. 

Sunday night, I went back to Cornwall with Dad and Pop. We packed some of my stuff, and I unpacked it all back into my room. Grandma was at the house, cooking with Granny. Aunt Axelle was sitting at the table with them. Grandpa was asleep in the recliner. Gabriel ran up from the basement.

"Dean!" he exclaimed, and hugged me. "Oh my god I can finally give you the souvenirs I got you." He had gotten back from Europe about two weeks ago, but hadn't had the chance to give me his souvenirs. "Sit down, let me get them."

I sat at the table across from Aunt Axelle. Grandma put food down in front of me as she carried on her conversation with Granny. Pop started to help them with the cooking, Dad sat at the table with his laptop, writing. Gabriel came downstairs and showed me all the gifts he got me. When dinner was ready, Aunt Alisha and Uncle Clovis joined us. 

We ate dinner together, as a family. I didn't say much the whole time, but I felt better because I was home.